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IC INBOX ✺ MASKORMENACE
❝...............Is it -- ❞
DIALTONE.
❝...............Is it -- ❞
DIALTONE.
Yo, so. Some good news: my sister's back to normal.
Did you tell Odin about the barney issue
at all and in any capacity
I trust you I do
but
he can't be
he somehow
?????????
at all and in any capacity
I trust you I do
but
he can't be
he somehow
?????????
[somebody just woke up from a Power Nap. he and Alex are practicing their magic today together, and it's all very idyllic and involves a lot of cuddling in the grass and not weird obscure texts about children's TV shows and whatever last crazy thing Odin did]
barney'/s a dinosaur that shares what?
barney'/s a dinosaur that shares what?
Happy Monday! You are subscribed to gain 1 new amazing sex fact every Monday, from now until 3030. This is a non-negotiable steal of a deal that you missed every opportunity to negate and now must sit back and enjoy! Text 'turgid' to 696969 to receive (2) TWO facts every Monday and upgrade your subscription today!
Today's amazing sex fact:
Today's amazing sex fact:
❝Did you know that kangaroos have 3 vaginas? If not, now you fucking do, chump!! Google it if you don't believe me because believe me there are really weird anatomically correct diagrams on Google Images and they are the top result.❞That was your zany, amazing sex fact for this Monday! Enjoy knowing about Kangaroo junk, you grasshopper snorting fudgesicle! Text STOP to this number to sign up for 5 weekly facts and type SIGN ME UP to discontinue receiving these messages.
[This will be dropped off for you to find, Magnus Chase. Wrapped in yellow tissue and tied with a black bow. You bee fucker.]
[Left on a table in the entry to the Meadows is a little package wrapped in dark green tissue paper. A folded white card sits atop the package, with Magnus written across it in a careful, slanting hand. Within the package is a bundle of bookmarks with forest scenes and artwork. There are twenty-five in total.]
I don't know what to type here.
Help? Shit. Damn. Huh. Why. Why did I?
Why did I. God. Gods? You always say Gods. So Gods. Gods.
Ugh, Christ.
Help? Shit. Damn. Huh. Why. Why did I?
Why did I. God. Gods? You always say Gods. So Gods. Gods.
Ugh, Christ.
Magnus, answer your phone.
[ end message ]
[ end message ]
[ An invitation shows up in Magnus' inbox at some point in early November... RSVP can be handwaved, and don't worry, the log will go up in advance of actual Thanksgiving! ]
hey mango good news
apparently im part of team heal now
i can make rainbows with my hands that make people feel better!!
[he thinks it works emotionally as well, but it doesn't. turns out when you don't hurt anymore you're just less shitty. that's just... a thing. oh well.]
apparently im part of team heal now
i can make rainbows with my hands that make people feel better!!
[he thinks it works emotionally as well, but it doesn't. turns out when you don't hurt anymore you're just less shitty. that's just... a thing. oh well.]
GUESS WAHT TIME IT IS MagNUS CHase you little fucker. it's time for your MONDAY SEX FACTS and you ABUSED YOUR ABILITY tO SUBSCRIBE LAST WEEK so here we are. we're ready. we're prepared. look at all these facts. You are subscribed to gain 1 new amazing sex fact every Monday, from now until 3030. This is a non-negotiable steal of a deal that you missed every opportunity to negate and now must sit back and enjoy! Text 'porous' to 696969 to receive (2) TWO facts every Monday and upgrade your subscription today!
1. After a careful process of waiting and courting, male porcupines spray the female with urine to get her in the mood. Take that Barry White.
2. The average male orgasm lasts six seconds; the average female orgasm lasts twenty seconds. No comment?
3. The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties. Check for yourself.
4. Humans are not the only ones interested in performing oral sex, wolves, bears and bats are also known to participate in the practice quite often.
5. While many know that chocolate can be an excellent arousal for having sex, apparently the smell of pumpkin can help increase the blood flow to the penis to encourage an erection.
6. When it comes to the largest penis in the animal kingdom, whales take the top spot with penises that reach up to 10 feet in length.
7. If pandas are reluctant to mate in captivity, scientists have shown them videos of other pandas copulating to get them in the mood. It is basically panda porn.
8. After fingers and vibrators, candles are the phallic objects used most often by female masturbators. thats uh... lit??
9. Antechinus Males Copulate Themselves to Death. its some little rat dude, apparently he goes hard (hahahahaahaha) and then goes home (to death)
10. If a female ferret does not have sex for a year, she will die.
11. Honey bees’ coitus is essentially sexual suicide. Known as drones, male bees compete for a chance to mate with a virgin queen. His victory, however, is mating with the female until his penis and entrails are ripped from his abdomen and he falls to the ground dead. Brutal??
12. Orgasms can lower a woman's risk of heart disease, stroke, breast cancer, and depression.
13. While most slugs mate on the ground, the leopard slug engages in hours of foreplay with its mate before secreting a strong line of slime on which the lovers dangle while they do the deed. If their sexual organs get stuck, the female will chomp off the male’s penis in a process called “apophallation,” essentially leaving it to live the rest of his days as a female.
14. When a male praying mantis attracts a mate, he does a mating dance by flapping his wings and swaying his abdomen. If successful, the female responds by allowing him to mount her before ripping off his head and finally, devouring the corpse of her still-mating lover. NATurE IS FREAKY MAN
15. When two people kiss, they exchange between 10 million and 1 billion bacteria. i wanna brus h my teeth rn sorry jean
16. For men, sex burns between 100 and 200 calories on average. On the other hand, it only burns approximately 69 calories for women. heh 69
17. Approximately one third of women in their 80s continue to have sex with their husband or boyfriend, so long as they are both in good enough physical health to do so. apparently retirement homes are dens of sin and disease too. THE MORE YOU KNOW [sTAR]
18. Semen is low in calories. Thirty-six calories in a teaspoon, to be exact.
19. The initial spurt of a man’s ejaculation travels at approximately 28 miles per hour, even faster than the 100 meters dash world record, which is currently 22.9 miles per hour.
20. Women are more willing to commit adultery during their ovulation than at any other time throughout their cycle—most notably due to their bodies’ desire to fertilize the ovulated egg.
21. At the point of orgasm, both men and women tend to have a heart rate of approximately 140. This is not excessive, but just enters the common cardiovascular zone.
22. The recipe to the sensitivity of the clitoris is its 8,000 nerve fibers, which is twice as many as contained in the penis. As such, it is this area that most helps a woman reach orgasm.
23. Orgasms can help alleviate the pain of a migraine.
24. The average vagina is three to four inches long but can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused.
25. In order to know how much testosterone a man has, compare the length of his ring finger to his index finger. The longer the ring finger is in comparison to the index finger, the more testosterone in his body. (You just looked at your finger, I know you did.)
26. Bonobos, dubbed the “make love, not war species” by Dutch-American primatologist Frans de Waal, use sex to strengthen bonds and resolve conflict.
27. The average length of an erect penis is 5.6 inches.
28. In case you were wondering, there is enough sperm in one single man to impregnate every woman on the planet who is fertile. "who is fertile" is some legit creepy phrasing tho like. i'd avoid people who say "are you fertile" like i would people who refer to chicks as "females".
29. Female jumping spiders have high standards when it comes to foreplay. If she isn’t satisfied with the male’s “complicated courtship dance,” she not only dumps him but devours him. SENSING NATURE'S TRENDS HERE...
30. Approximately 60% of men who get aroused have erect nipples. In fact, the nipples are just as sensitive in men as they are in women, which is why so many men get erect nipples. nip nip nip
31. The oldest sex toy ever found was a stone dildo dated to around 26,000 years ago.
32. The first cock rings were made from goat eyelashes. WHAT THE FUCK
GOD
STHERRS A FPHOTNO
MAGNUS LOOK???
33. Masturbation is known to help cure depression as the release of emotions and hormones when orgasm is reached to put your mind at ease, and make you more comfortable with your own body.
34. The earliest account of fellatio dates back to the ancient Egyptian myth of the resurrection of Osiris.
35. Flatworms Fence With Their Sex Organs yea h i copy pasted this from a site but there's this really fucking weird photo to go along with it.
36. the first dildos were made of stone. better than fcking eyelashes??
37. Sex reduces stress. yeah
38. Male Alligators Have Permanent Erections.
39. Ancient practitioners of Taoism to believe that a man should not lose too much of his semen. Due to this, ancient Chinese men were advised to not ejaculate during sex.
40. Mozart, the great composer, did not only write serious pieces like Lacrimosa. He also wrote a masterpiece called: Leck mich im Arsch (lick me in the ass)
41. When you are aroused and prepped for sexual intercourse, you are actually less likely to be grossed out by anything that happens.
42. 18th-century empress of Russia Catherine the Great employed "foot ticklers" to turn her on. idk this is weird. everything is weird. russia why. am i gonna get flagged for texting the word russia to you? hi, government. nothing weird here. im just sending my undead bud a bunch of sex facts. no biggie
43. Sheep Have a High Rate of Homosexuality. By some estimates, almost 10 percent of rams prefer to mate with other rams, rather than available females.
44. Orgasms, along with sneezes, cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started because they are physiological responses to an event.
45. After copulating with multiple mates, a female chicken can ‘dump’ the unwanted male by ejecting his sperm from her body, go for the hunkier male in the coop and choose the father of her future chicks.
46. Sexy "petting parties" really took off in the 1920s. damn
47. King Edward VII spent a lot of time in a French brothel. I don't know who he is but like you know, you wanted 55 fuckign facts you fucking fuckr
48. By 300AD, Rome had 45 brothels, and they were so popular they had to stay closed until the late afternoon.
49. In ancient Egypt, women inserted crocodile dung into the vagina as spermicidal gel to help block sperm. It worked because of the high acid content of the dung. ?????????????
50. Vibrator was invented for doctors who were getting carpel tunnel from using their fingers to give female patients orgasms in order to treat hysteria. Which btw is really creepy, wtf history
51. You could buy sex guidebooks in 18th-century London.
52. There has been some speculation about the connection between silphium and the traditional heart shape. Silphium was an ancient plant highly sought after by Romans. Huge demand for its oral contraceptive use was reported to have led to its extinction in 3rd or 2nd century BC.
53. Ancient Roman women would use the sweat scraped from gladiators' skin as an aphrodisiac. kinda nast
54. Pubic wig or “merkin” was created in the 1450’s to be used by prostitutes because they had to shave their pubic region to combat pubic lice and to hide signs of syphilis. BET YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR MERKIN FASCINATION
55. The stories about witches riding broomsticks comes from the Europe in the Middle ages when some women consumed hallucinogens by applying them to a broomstick and then delivering the drug via mucous membrane in the vagina.
THERE ARE YOU R FUCKING 55 FACTS. Text STOP to this number to sign up for 5 weekly facts and type SIGN ME UP to discontinue receiving these messages. BUT WE ARE SAD TO INFROM YOU That I am fuckig taking a berak i deserve it
i deserve it. fuck your monday facts you're too into this magnus. too into it? too into it. im DONE
1. After a careful process of waiting and courting, male porcupines spray the female with urine to get her in the mood. Take that Barry White.
2. The average male orgasm lasts six seconds; the average female orgasm lasts twenty seconds. No comment?
3. The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties. Check for yourself.
4. Humans are not the only ones interested in performing oral sex, wolves, bears and bats are also known to participate in the practice quite often.
5. While many know that chocolate can be an excellent arousal for having sex, apparently the smell of pumpkin can help increase the blood flow to the penis to encourage an erection.
6. When it comes to the largest penis in the animal kingdom, whales take the top spot with penises that reach up to 10 feet in length.
7. If pandas are reluctant to mate in captivity, scientists have shown them videos of other pandas copulating to get them in the mood. It is basically panda porn.
8. After fingers and vibrators, candles are the phallic objects used most often by female masturbators. thats uh... lit??
9. Antechinus Males Copulate Themselves to Death. its some little rat dude, apparently he goes hard (hahahahaahaha) and then goes home (to death)
10. If a female ferret does not have sex for a year, she will die.
11. Honey bees’ coitus is essentially sexual suicide. Known as drones, male bees compete for a chance to mate with a virgin queen. His victory, however, is mating with the female until his penis and entrails are ripped from his abdomen and he falls to the ground dead. Brutal??
12. Orgasms can lower a woman's risk of heart disease, stroke, breast cancer, and depression.
13. While most slugs mate on the ground, the leopard slug engages in hours of foreplay with its mate before secreting a strong line of slime on which the lovers dangle while they do the deed. If their sexual organs get stuck, the female will chomp off the male’s penis in a process called “apophallation,” essentially leaving it to live the rest of his days as a female.
14. When a male praying mantis attracts a mate, he does a mating dance by flapping his wings and swaying his abdomen. If successful, the female responds by allowing him to mount her before ripping off his head and finally, devouring the corpse of her still-mating lover. NATurE IS FREAKY MAN
15. When two people kiss, they exchange between 10 million and 1 billion bacteria. i wanna brus h my teeth rn sorry jean
16. For men, sex burns between 100 and 200 calories on average. On the other hand, it only burns approximately 69 calories for women. heh 69
17. Approximately one third of women in their 80s continue to have sex with their husband or boyfriend, so long as they are both in good enough physical health to do so. apparently retirement homes are dens of sin and disease too. THE MORE YOU KNOW [sTAR]
18. Semen is low in calories. Thirty-six calories in a teaspoon, to be exact.
19. The initial spurt of a man’s ejaculation travels at approximately 28 miles per hour, even faster than the 100 meters dash world record, which is currently 22.9 miles per hour.
20. Women are more willing to commit adultery during their ovulation than at any other time throughout their cycle—most notably due to their bodies’ desire to fertilize the ovulated egg.
21. At the point of orgasm, both men and women tend to have a heart rate of approximately 140. This is not excessive, but just enters the common cardiovascular zone.
22. The recipe to the sensitivity of the clitoris is its 8,000 nerve fibers, which is twice as many as contained in the penis. As such, it is this area that most helps a woman reach orgasm.
23. Orgasms can help alleviate the pain of a migraine.
24. The average vagina is three to four inches long but can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused.
25. In order to know how much testosterone a man has, compare the length of his ring finger to his index finger. The longer the ring finger is in comparison to the index finger, the more testosterone in his body. (You just looked at your finger, I know you did.)
26. Bonobos, dubbed the “make love, not war species” by Dutch-American primatologist Frans de Waal, use sex to strengthen bonds and resolve conflict.
27. The average length of an erect penis is 5.6 inches.
28. In case you were wondering, there is enough sperm in one single man to impregnate every woman on the planet who is fertile. "who is fertile" is some legit creepy phrasing tho like. i'd avoid people who say "are you fertile" like i would people who refer to chicks as "females".
29. Female jumping spiders have high standards when it comes to foreplay. If she isn’t satisfied with the male’s “complicated courtship dance,” she not only dumps him but devours him. SENSING NATURE'S TRENDS HERE...
30. Approximately 60% of men who get aroused have erect nipples. In fact, the nipples are just as sensitive in men as they are in women, which is why so many men get erect nipples. nip nip nip
31. The oldest sex toy ever found was a stone dildo dated to around 26,000 years ago.
32. The first cock rings were made from goat eyelashes. WHAT THE FUCK
GOD
STHERRS A FPHOTNO
MAGNUS LOOK???
33. Masturbation is known to help cure depression as the release of emotions and hormones when orgasm is reached to put your mind at ease, and make you more comfortable with your own body.
34. The earliest account of fellatio dates back to the ancient Egyptian myth of the resurrection of Osiris.
35. Flatworms Fence With Their Sex Organs yea h i copy pasted this from a site but there's this really fucking weird photo to go along with it.
/flatwormsWC-584ecf325f9b58a8cd2a8c11.png){kind=link}
36. the first dildos were made of stone. better than fcking eyelashes??
37. Sex reduces stress. yeah
38. Male Alligators Have Permanent Erections.
39. Ancient practitioners of Taoism to believe that a man should not lose too much of his semen. Due to this, ancient Chinese men were advised to not ejaculate during sex.
40. Mozart, the great composer, did not only write serious pieces like Lacrimosa. He also wrote a masterpiece called: Leck mich im Arsch (lick me in the ass)
41. When you are aroused and prepped for sexual intercourse, you are actually less likely to be grossed out by anything that happens.
42. 18th-century empress of Russia Catherine the Great employed "foot ticklers" to turn her on. idk this is weird. everything is weird. russia why. am i gonna get flagged for texting the word russia to you? hi, government. nothing weird here. im just sending my undead bud a bunch of sex facts. no biggie
43. Sheep Have a High Rate of Homosexuality. By some estimates, almost 10 percent of rams prefer to mate with other rams, rather than available females.
44. Orgasms, along with sneezes, cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started because they are physiological responses to an event.
45. After copulating with multiple mates, a female chicken can ‘dump’ the unwanted male by ejecting his sperm from her body, go for the hunkier male in the coop and choose the father of her future chicks.
46. Sexy "petting parties" really took off in the 1920s. damn
47. King Edward VII spent a lot of time in a French brothel. I don't know who he is but like you know, you wanted 55 fuckign facts you fucking fuckr
48. By 300AD, Rome had 45 brothels, and they were so popular they had to stay closed until the late afternoon.
49. In ancient Egypt, women inserted crocodile dung into the vagina as spermicidal gel to help block sperm. It worked because of the high acid content of the dung. ?????????????
50. Vibrator was invented for doctors who were getting carpel tunnel from using their fingers to give female patients orgasms in order to treat hysteria. Which btw is really creepy, wtf history
51. You could buy sex guidebooks in 18th-century London.
52. There has been some speculation about the connection between silphium and the traditional heart shape. Silphium was an ancient plant highly sought after by Romans. Huge demand for its oral contraceptive use was reported to have led to its extinction in 3rd or 2nd century BC.
53. Ancient Roman women would use the sweat scraped from gladiators' skin as an aphrodisiac. kinda nast
54. Pubic wig or “merkin” was created in the 1450’s to be used by prostitutes because they had to shave their pubic region to combat pubic lice and to hide signs of syphilis. BET YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR MERKIN FASCINATION
55. The stories about witches riding broomsticks comes from the Europe in the Middle ages when some women consumed hallucinogens by applying them to a broomstick and then delivering the drug via mucous membrane in the vagina.
THERE ARE YOU R FUCKING 55 FACTS. Text STOP to this number to sign up for 5 weekly facts and type SIGN ME UP to discontinue receiving these messages. BUT WE ARE SAD TO INFROM YOU That I am fuckig taking a berak i deserve it
i deserve it. fuck your monday facts you're too into this magnus. too into it? too into it. im DONE
[ left clear of Magnus's doorstep (and probably at peter's house because he doesn't have a tent idk??) is a pretty fuckin' huge package, wrapped in a whole dang lot of newspaper. there's a note on the front of it. ]
Hey. It's the one and only Odin Dark, here to bless you with another excellent idea of his.
I'm leaving carepackages for people I love in case something happens to me in space or whatever.
I know that's unnecessary because I'll just come right back even if I die? But you never know.
A lot of these are things that I think might suit the treehouse, maybe, but if they don't, it's OK, just sell them or something.
I hope these are okay.
- Odin
[ inside IS:
a bunch of string lights, from fairy to wire to globe, all of different colours and sizes and presumably for tree decoration.
four different bonsai trees, or at least the seeds to grow them.
a snowglobe enchanted by odin to change seasons periodically
this light
not only a snuggie, but a slanket, too. one is pink and one is green, with an apology - he wanted one of them to be pink and green so it could be for alex, but he couldn't find one and figured splitting it up was the next best option.
this bookshelf, as well as a stack of books he thinks magnus might like - they're mostly just nice, surprisingly lowkey fictional books about love or adventure, all of them read beforehand to make sure they have happy endings.
a wood burning pen and a set of wood carving tools as well as some blocks and cuts of high quality wood with a note, like, is this a hobby you would be into, i don't know, sorry, maybe i shouldn't give you ways to destroy trees when you're living in one, sorry
colognes and soaps all made from natural products (he also totally slipped in one of the deodorants that make you smell like bacon too that he got for peter but)
a couple of sweet mugs for dippin' and shit
two hammocks - this time one is pink and green
a certain something he crocheted himself
a series of fruit and vegetable seeds, in case magnus or alex want to start growing their own food,
a bunch of little practical gifts - socks of different designs, a couple of big heavy jackets to keep magnus warm if he needs it, essentials like toothpaste and tissues and toiletries that he doesn't know if magnus can afford or not -
and finally,
about two dozen sealed and magically preserved falafels, ready for reheating. ]
Hey. It's the one and only Odin Dark, here to bless you with another excellent idea of his.
I'm leaving carepackages for people I love in case something happens to me in space or whatever.
I know that's unnecessary because I'll just come right back even if I die? But you never know.
A lot of these are things that I think might suit the treehouse, maybe, but if they don't, it's OK, just sell them or something.
I hope these are okay.
- Odin
[ inside IS:
a bunch of string lights, from fairy to wire to globe, all of different colours and sizes and presumably for tree decoration.
four different bonsai trees, or at least the seeds to grow them.
a snowglobe enchanted by odin to change seasons periodically
this light
not only a snuggie, but a slanket, too. one is pink and one is green, with an apology - he wanted one of them to be pink and green so it could be for alex, but he couldn't find one and figured splitting it up was the next best option.
this bookshelf, as well as a stack of books he thinks magnus might like - they're mostly just nice, surprisingly lowkey fictional books about love or adventure, all of them read beforehand to make sure they have happy endings.
a wood burning pen and a set of wood carving tools as well as some blocks and cuts of high quality wood with a note, like, is this a hobby you would be into, i don't know, sorry, maybe i shouldn't give you ways to destroy trees when you're living in one, sorry
colognes and soaps all made from natural products (he also totally slipped in one of the deodorants that make you smell like bacon too that he got for peter but)
a couple of sweet mugs for dippin' and shit
two hammocks - this time one is pink and green
a certain something he crocheted himself
a series of fruit and vegetable seeds, in case magnus or alex want to start growing their own food,
a bunch of little practical gifts - socks of different designs, a couple of big heavy jackets to keep magnus warm if he needs it, essentials like toothpaste and tissues and toiletries that he doesn't know if magnus can afford or not -
and finally,
about two dozen sealed and magically preserved falafels, ready for reheating. ]
[There's a little something wrapped in tinfoil left for you, bro.
Note reads: Playlist since you'll miss me when I'm gone :') I'll stay with you via this. - P ]
Note reads: Playlist since you'll miss me when I'm gone :') I'll stay with you via this. - P ]
[what? what? what is happening that he's got two of these invites????]
[time to text the g/bf....]
[in the meantime;]
[time to text the g/bf....]
[in the meantime;]
Hey, so. We haven't really talked much before but I never really got a chance to say thanks for fixing up Peter that one time.
[ When he and Wanda had that little... argument. ]
So thanks. I appreciate it.
[ When he and Wanda had that little... argument. ]
So thanks. I appreciate it.
What's up, you piece of shit?! I've spent this past week doing some vigorous research, and here it is! All the way from space! Fifty-five more facts about sex you can't believe you didn't know. Ah, tres fantastico! That's a language, probably.
1. Peter Maximoff's penis is a respectable six inches! Nice!
2. That's when erect, of course. Flaccid? Yikes, it was hard to get an accurate reading. He's a grower, not a shower, this boy.
3. We weren't sure how to measure circumference, but he can fit his thumb and ring finger around the base pretty easily!
4. When asked about his most sensitive erogenous zone, he whispered "behind the knee" and began to stroke that tender, supple flesh.
5. He also likes getting his toes licked. He's flexible enough to do it himself. I'm not here to kinkshame. Not here to yuck any yums. But it was an uncomfortable demonstration to watch.
6. His favourite position is the rusty trombone. Better not look that up when you're in public!
7. His favourite part of a woman is the breasts.
8. If he got to sleep with any celebrity, alive or dead, it would be Bam Margera. Whoever that is.
9. When asked to give advice to any inspiring lover, he very aggressively screamed "don't neglect the balls" and whipped them out to prove his point.
10. They are uninspiring.
11. He lost his virginity on (not in) a dumpster behind a place called Hamburger Mary's to a woman named Stella.
12. He would prefer to be tied down than to be doing the tying, but he would prefer not to be blindfolded if he were about to be executed by firing squad.
13. If the Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamic seen in wolf packs were to be applied to human society, he would want to be a Beta.
14. If he were interested in men, he would like to be labeled amongst the community as a "twunk versatile-bottom".
15. He prefers "come" as a verb and the other spelling as a noun. Weird!
16. When provided a list of sexy uniforms to order from most to least arousing, his preferences were as follows: Sports Mascot, Anime Girl Cosplay, Robot, Environmental Scientist, Video Game Enthusiast, Weightlifter, Mark Twain, Cheerleader, Teacher, Nurse.
17. Thinks pirates are hotter than vampires. HAHA, WHATEVER.
18. He jerks it a solid eight times a day.
19. The list of imports he has had intimate dreams about is too long to fit into one message. Yes, Magnus. Your name repeats most frequently.
20. His nipples engorge during lovemaking, but not in the way you might expect.
21. When propositioning a woman, he'll ask her, "how would you like it if I oscillated your unmentionables?". When that goes south, he tries again with a quick "To be clear, I'd like to launch my meat rocket into your sausage wallet".
22. ^ Zero success rate.
23. Silver down there.
24. I mean all over down there. Not just where you'd think.
25. If he were in a room with you, me and his girlfriend and he had to bang two of us, he'd bang you twice.
26. Got kicked out of a brothel at 22 for not being attractive enough. Haha.
27. He's on a hair trigger. A hair trigger, my dude. Someone touches him and it's over. It's all over. He's done.
28. SWEATS FROM HIS ASS, ENJOYS IT. HAHAHA
29. Has spent over $6,600 USD on toys over the years. The specifics are for your imagination and your imagination alone.
30. His favourite flavor of lubrication is sour cream. Hey? Wow? No? No? Nah? Yikes? Yikes?
31. His favourite song to make love to is Ylvis's "The Fox".
32. Cries after sex, but only out of gratitude.
33. If he could only watch one type of X-rated movie for the rest of his life, it would be guy-on-guy. To clarify: not gay. Just guy-on-guy. You know? Yeah, you know.
34. He shares an experience with a character in that American Pie movie. Didn't say what. Probably what you'd expect.
35. The noise he makes when he finishes is most akin to a dolphin begging for death.
36. The noise he makes when he starts is most akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand.
37. The noise he makes when he's mid-way is most akin to that goat that screams that everyone turned into that Taylor Swift lady.
38. Incredibly sexually attracted to people who wear the skin of something else. Alligator skin coat, chinchilla fur jacket, things like that. Animal print patterns? Just any kind of animal skin or animal skin adjacent material, honestly.
39. His other favourite part of the woman is the butt.
40. His safeword is "blue raspberry".
41. Likes to get bitten. on his butt, hehe
42. and his dingdong hehe
43. He likes a woman in high heels. He says they fill out his ankles and he likes a woman who appreciates that.
44. Doesn't wear clean underwear very often. This is... an unfortunate reality.
45. Oh, he said he wants to fuck a clown. Any clown. He's so attracted to clowns. He just kept hitting me and saying "would you dress up as a clown for me, odin?", tears in his eyes at the thought that I might say no. So... I said you would when we're back on earth. We'll see how it goes.
46. Calls you Moistnus when he thinks of you sexually.
47. Calls himself The Male Alligator. I guess that had something to do with the last list he sent you?
48. Has been plucking and collecting his own eyelashes for years. When asked why, he just said, "the goats had the right idea".
49. Can't finish without someone telling him he's a worthwhile human being, hahaha.
50. Wait, I feel bad about the last one. He's a really good lover! He's gotten me off, like, a million times! He gets girls going just by smoldering at them the right way! WOW, WHAT A HOT HOT HOTTIE.
51. Has a sketchbook filled with designs for a "sexatorium" he wants in his house. It is... boy. It is explicit.
52. Toooooootally gets off to the fanfiction natives write about him. H-haha, who would... do that...
53. Has that game on his computer where you can make people and simulate them having their own lives and stuff. He has a save file that's just himself and a bunch of girls he likes. So weird.
54. Other part of a woman he likes: the, uh, the um, the, front, part
55. Totally made it in a bathroom with that Darlene girl.
56. Surprise, motherfucker! Secret bonus fact! Peter Maximoff once jerked off in Magnus Chase's tent and promised me not to tell anyone! THE ONLY REAL FACT ON THIS LIST!
IF YOU'D LIKE TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO AMERICA SEX FACTS TODAY, TEXT #SHOULDNTHAVEASKEDODINFORHELP TO PETER MAXIMOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Peter Maximoff's penis is a respectable six inches! Nice!
2. That's when erect, of course. Flaccid? Yikes, it was hard to get an accurate reading. He's a grower, not a shower, this boy.
3. We weren't sure how to measure circumference, but he can fit his thumb and ring finger around the base pretty easily!
4. When asked about his most sensitive erogenous zone, he whispered "behind the knee" and began to stroke that tender, supple flesh.
5. He also likes getting his toes licked. He's flexible enough to do it himself. I'm not here to kinkshame. Not here to yuck any yums. But it was an uncomfortable demonstration to watch.
6. His favourite position is the rusty trombone. Better not look that up when you're in public!
7. His favourite part of a woman is the breasts.
8. If he got to sleep with any celebrity, alive or dead, it would be Bam Margera. Whoever that is.
9. When asked to give advice to any inspiring lover, he very aggressively screamed "don't neglect the balls" and whipped them out to prove his point.
10. They are uninspiring.
11. He lost his virginity on (not in) a dumpster behind a place called Hamburger Mary's to a woman named Stella.
12. He would prefer to be tied down than to be doing the tying, but he would prefer not to be blindfolded if he were about to be executed by firing squad.
13. If the Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamic seen in wolf packs were to be applied to human society, he would want to be a Beta.
14. If he were interested in men, he would like to be labeled amongst the community as a "twunk versatile-bottom".
15. He prefers "come" as a verb and the other spelling as a noun. Weird!
16. When provided a list of sexy uniforms to order from most to least arousing, his preferences were as follows: Sports Mascot, Anime Girl Cosplay, Robot, Environmental Scientist, Video Game Enthusiast, Weightlifter, Mark Twain, Cheerleader, Teacher, Nurse.
17. Thinks pirates are hotter than vampires. HAHA, WHATEVER.
18. He jerks it a solid eight times a day.
19. The list of imports he has had intimate dreams about is too long to fit into one message. Yes, Magnus. Your name repeats most frequently.
20. His nipples engorge during lovemaking, but not in the way you might expect.
21. When propositioning a woman, he'll ask her, "how would you like it if I oscillated your unmentionables?". When that goes south, he tries again with a quick "To be clear, I'd like to launch my meat rocket into your sausage wallet".
22. ^ Zero success rate.
23. Silver down there.
24. I mean all over down there. Not just where you'd think.
25. If he were in a room with you, me and his girlfriend and he had to bang two of us, he'd bang you twice.
26. Got kicked out of a brothel at 22 for not being attractive enough. Haha.
27. He's on a hair trigger. A hair trigger, my dude. Someone touches him and it's over. It's all over. He's done.
28. SWEATS FROM HIS ASS, ENJOYS IT. HAHAHA
29. Has spent over $6,600 USD on toys over the years. The specifics are for your imagination and your imagination alone.
30. His favourite flavor of lubrication is sour cream. Hey? Wow? No? No? Nah? Yikes? Yikes?
31. His favourite song to make love to is Ylvis's "The Fox".
32. Cries after sex, but only out of gratitude.
33. If he could only watch one type of X-rated movie for the rest of his life, it would be guy-on-guy. To clarify: not gay. Just guy-on-guy. You know? Yeah, you know.
34. He shares an experience with a character in that American Pie movie. Didn't say what. Probably what you'd expect.
35. The noise he makes when he finishes is most akin to a dolphin begging for death.
36. The noise he makes when he starts is most akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand.
37. The noise he makes when he's mid-way is most akin to that goat that screams that everyone turned into that Taylor Swift lady.
38. Incredibly sexually attracted to people who wear the skin of something else. Alligator skin coat, chinchilla fur jacket, things like that. Animal print patterns? Just any kind of animal skin or animal skin adjacent material, honestly.
39. His other favourite part of the woman is the butt.
40. His safeword is "blue raspberry".
41. Likes to get bitten. on his butt, hehe
42. and his dingdong hehe
43. He likes a woman in high heels. He says they fill out his ankles and he likes a woman who appreciates that.
44. Doesn't wear clean underwear very often. This is... an unfortunate reality.
45. Oh, he said he wants to fuck a clown. Any clown. He's so attracted to clowns. He just kept hitting me and saying "would you dress up as a clown for me, odin?", tears in his eyes at the thought that I might say no. So... I said you would when we're back on earth. We'll see how it goes.
46. Calls you Moistnus when he thinks of you sexually.
47. Calls himself The Male Alligator. I guess that had something to do with the last list he sent you?
48. Has been plucking and collecting his own eyelashes for years. When asked why, he just said, "the goats had the right idea".
49. Can't finish without someone telling him he's a worthwhile human being, hahaha.
50. Wait, I feel bad about the last one. He's a really good lover! He's gotten me off, like, a million times! He gets girls going just by smoldering at them the right way! WOW, WHAT A HOT HOT HOTTIE.
51. Has a sketchbook filled with designs for a "sexatorium" he wants in his house. It is... boy. It is explicit.
52. Toooooootally gets off to the fanfiction natives write about him. H-haha, who would... do that...
53. Has that game on his computer where you can make people and simulate them having their own lives and stuff. He has a save file that's just himself and a bunch of girls he likes. So weird.
54. Other part of a woman he likes: the, uh, the um, the, front, part
55. Totally made it in a bathroom with that Darlene girl.
56. Surprise, motherfucker! Secret bonus fact! Peter Maximoff once jerked off in Magnus Chase's tent and promised me not to tell anyone! THE ONLY REAL FACT ON THIS LIST!
IF YOU'D LIKE TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO AMERICA SEX FACTS TODAY, TEXT #SHOULDNTHAVEASKEDODINFORHELP TO PETER MAXIMOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's up, you piece of shit?! I've spent this past week doing some vigorous research, and here it is! All the way from space! Fifty-five more facts about sex you can't believe you didn't know. Ah, tres fantastico! That's a language, probably. I'm not doing his bullshit rainbows.
1. Odin Dark's penis is a respectable three inches! Nice!
2. That's when erect, of course. Flaccid? Yikes, it was hard to get an accurate reading. He's a grower, not a shower, this boy.
3. We weren't sure how to measure circumference, but he can fit his thumb and ring finger around the base pretty loosely!
4. When asked about his most sensitive erogenous zone, he whispered "behind the knee" and began to stroke that tender, supple flesh.
5. He also likes getting his toes licked. He's flexible enough to do it himself. I'm not here to kinkshame. Not here to yuck any yums. But it was an uncomfortable demonstration to watch.
6. His favourite position is the rusty trombone. Better not look that up when you're in public!
7. His favourite part of a man is the asscheeks.
8. If he got to sleep with any celebrity, alive or dead, it would be Poe whatshisface. Whoever that is.
9. When asked to give advice to any inspiring lover, he very aggressively screamed "don't neglect the balls" and whipped them out to prove his point.
10. They are uninspiring.
11. He lost his virginity in (not on) a dumpster behind a place called Hamburger Mary's to a man named Stellan.
12. He would prefer to be tied down than to be doing the tying, but he would prefer not to be blindfolded if he were about to be executed by firing squad.
13. If the Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamic seen in wolf packs were to be applied to human society, he would want to be MoonMoon.
14. If he were interested in women, he would still like to be labeled amongst the community as a "twink versatile-bottom".
15. He prefers "come" as a verb and the other spelling as a noun. Weird!
16. When provided a list of sexy uniforms to order from most to least arousing, his preferences were as follows: Poe in Sports Mascot, Poe in Anime Girl Cosplay, Poe Robot, Poe the Environmental Scientist, Poe the Video Game Enthusiast, Poe the Weightlifter, Poe Twain, Poe the Cheerleader, Poe the Teacher, Poe the Nurse.
17. Thinks pirates are hotter than vampires. HAHA, WHATEVER.
18. He jerks it a solid eighteen times a day.
19. The list of imports he has had intimate dreams about is too long to fit into one message. Yes, Magnus. Your name repeats most frequently. Alex too. As a bear, and only as a bear.
20. His nipples engorge during lovemaking, but definitely in the way you might expect.
21. When propositioning a man, he'll ask her, "how would you like it if I oscillated your unmentionables?". When that goes south, he tries again with a quick "To be clear, I'd like to launch my meat rocket into your sausage wallet".
22. ^ Zero success rate.
23. Naked down there.
24. I mean all over down there. Not just where you'd think.
25. If he were in a room with you, me and his boyfriend and he had to bang two of us, he'd bang you twice.
26. Got kicked out of a brothel at 33522 for not being attractive enough. Haha.
27. He's on a hair trigger. A hair trigger, my dude. Someone touches him and it's over. It's all over. He's done.
28. SWEATS FROM HIS ASS, ENJOYS IT. HAHAHA
29. Has spent over $6,600 USD on figma over the years. The specifics are for your imagination and your imagination alone.
30. His favourite flavor of lubrication is sour milk. Hey? Wow? No? No? Nah? Yikes? Yikes?
31. His favourite song to make love to is Ylvis's "The Fox". Honestly it probably is.
32. Cries after sex, but only out of gratitude.
33. If he could only watch one type of X-rated movie for the rest of his life, it would be those freaks in anime masks petting each other.
34. He shares an experience with a character in that American Pie movie. Didn't say what. Probably what you'd expect.
35. The noise he makes when he finishes is most akin to a dolphin begging for death.
36. The noise he makes when he starts is most akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand.
37. The noise he makes when he's mid-way is most akin to that goat that screams that everyone turned into that Taylor Swift lady.
38. Incredibly sexually attracted to people who wear the skin of something else. Alligator skin coat, chinchilla fur jacket, things like that. Animal print patterns? Just any kind of animal skin or animal skin adjacent material, honestly.
39. His other favourite part of the man is the tongue.
40. His safeword is "salty onions".
41. Likes to get bitten. on his butt, hehe
42. and his dingdong hehe
43. He likes a man in high heels. He says they fill out his ankles and he likes a man who appreciates that.
44. Doesn't wear clean underwear very often. This is... an unfortunate reality.
45. Oh, he said he wants to fuck a dead clown. Any dead clown. He's so attracted to dead clowns. He just kept hitting me and saying "would you dress up as a dead clown for me, Peter?", tears in his eyes at the thought that I might say no. So... I said you would when we're back on earth. We'll see how it goes.
46. Calls you Moistnus when he thinks of you sexually.
47. Calls himself The Male Alligator. I guess that had something to do with the last list he sent you?
48. Has been plucking and collecting his own eyelashes for years. When asked why, he just said, "the goats had the right idea".
49. Can't finish without someone telling him he's a worthwhile human being, hahaha.
50. Wait, that is mean. What the fuck Odin?
51. Has a sketchbook filled with designs for a "sexatorium" he wants in his house. It is... boy. It is explicit.
52. Toooooootally gets off to the fanfiction natives write about him. H-haha, who would... do that...
53. Has that game on his computer where you can make people and simulate them having their own lives and stuff. He has a save file that's just himself and a bunch of girls he likes. So weird.
54. Other part of a woman he likes: the, uh, the um, the, front, part
55. Totally did it on a flying carpet with a guy
56. Surprise, motherfucker! Secret bonus fact! Odin Dark once jerked off in Magnus Chase's tent and promised me not to tell anyone! THE ONLY REAL FACT ON THIS LIST!
IF YOU'D LIKE TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO AMERICA SEX FACTS TODAY, TEXT #PETERSNOLONGERYOURFRIEND TO Odin Dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Odin Dark's penis is a respectable three inches! Nice!
2. That's when erect, of course. Flaccid? Yikes, it was hard to get an accurate reading. He's a grower, not a shower, this boy.
3. We weren't sure how to measure circumference, but he can fit his thumb and ring finger around the base pretty loosely!
4. When asked about his most sensitive erogenous zone, he whispered "behind the knee" and began to stroke that tender, supple flesh.
5. He also likes getting his toes licked. He's flexible enough to do it himself. I'm not here to kinkshame. Not here to yuck any yums. But it was an uncomfortable demonstration to watch.
6. His favourite position is the rusty trombone. Better not look that up when you're in public!
7. His favourite part of a man is the asscheeks.
8. If he got to sleep with any celebrity, alive or dead, it would be Poe whatshisface. Whoever that is.
9. When asked to give advice to any inspiring lover, he very aggressively screamed "don't neglect the balls" and whipped them out to prove his point.
10. They are uninspiring.
11. He lost his virginity in (not on) a dumpster behind a place called Hamburger Mary's to a man named Stellan.
12. He would prefer to be tied down than to be doing the tying, but he would prefer not to be blindfolded if he were about to be executed by firing squad.
13. If the Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamic seen in wolf packs were to be applied to human society, he would want to be MoonMoon.
14. If he were interested in women, he would still like to be labeled amongst the community as a "twink versatile-bottom".
15. He prefers "come" as a verb and the other spelling as a noun. Weird!
16. When provided a list of sexy uniforms to order from most to least arousing, his preferences were as follows: Poe in Sports Mascot, Poe in Anime Girl Cosplay, Poe Robot, Poe the Environmental Scientist, Poe the Video Game Enthusiast, Poe the Weightlifter, Poe Twain, Poe the Cheerleader, Poe the Teacher, Poe the Nurse.
17. Thinks pirates are hotter than vampires. HAHA, WHATEVER.
18. He jerks it a solid eighteen times a day.
19. The list of imports he has had intimate dreams about is too long to fit into one message. Yes, Magnus. Your name repeats most frequently. Alex too. As a bear, and only as a bear.
20. His nipples engorge during lovemaking, but definitely in the way you might expect.
21. When propositioning a man, he'll ask her, "how would you like it if I oscillated your unmentionables?". When that goes south, he tries again with a quick "To be clear, I'd like to launch my meat rocket into your sausage wallet".
22. ^ Zero success rate.
23. Naked down there.
24. I mean all over down there. Not just where you'd think.
25. If he were in a room with you, me and his boyfriend and he had to bang two of us, he'd bang you twice.
26. Got kicked out of a brothel at 33522 for not being attractive enough. Haha.
27. He's on a hair trigger. A hair trigger, my dude. Someone touches him and it's over. It's all over. He's done.
28. SWEATS FROM HIS ASS, ENJOYS IT. HAHAHA
29. Has spent over $6,600 USD on figma over the years. The specifics are for your imagination and your imagination alone.
30. His favourite flavor of lubrication is sour milk. Hey? Wow? No? No? Nah? Yikes? Yikes?
31. His favourite song to make love to is Ylvis's "The Fox". Honestly it probably is.
32. Cries after sex, but only out of gratitude.
33. If he could only watch one type of X-rated movie for the rest of his life, it would be those freaks in anime masks petting each other.
34. He shares an experience with a character in that American Pie movie. Didn't say what. Probably what you'd expect.
35. The noise he makes when he finishes is most akin to a dolphin begging for death.
36. The noise he makes when he starts is most akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand.
37. The noise he makes when he's mid-way is most akin to that goat that screams that everyone turned into that Taylor Swift lady.
38. Incredibly sexually attracted to people who wear the skin of something else. Alligator skin coat, chinchilla fur jacket, things like that. Animal print patterns? Just any kind of animal skin or animal skin adjacent material, honestly.
39. His other favourite part of the man is the tongue.
40. His safeword is "salty onions".
41. Likes to get bitten. on his butt, hehe
42. and his dingdong hehe
43. He likes a man in high heels. He says they fill out his ankles and he likes a man who appreciates that.
44. Doesn't wear clean underwear very often. This is... an unfortunate reality.
45. Oh, he said he wants to fuck a dead clown. Any dead clown. He's so attracted to dead clowns. He just kept hitting me and saying "would you dress up as a dead clown for me, Peter?", tears in his eyes at the thought that I might say no. So... I said you would when we're back on earth. We'll see how it goes.
46. Calls you Moistnus when he thinks of you sexually.
47. Calls himself The Male Alligator. I guess that had something to do with the last list he sent you?
48. Has been plucking and collecting his own eyelashes for years. When asked why, he just said, "the goats had the right idea".
49. Can't finish without someone telling him he's a worthwhile human being, hahaha.
50. Wait, that is mean. What the fuck Odin?
51. Has a sketchbook filled with designs for a "sexatorium" he wants in his house. It is... boy. It is explicit.
52. Toooooootally gets off to the fanfiction natives write about him. H-haha, who would... do that...
53. Has that game on his computer where you can make people and simulate them having their own lives and stuff. He has a save file that's just himself and a bunch of girls he likes. So weird.
54. Other part of a woman he likes: the, uh, the um, the, front, part
55. Totally did it on a flying carpet with a guy
56. Surprise, motherfucker! Secret bonus fact! Odin Dark once jerked off in Magnus Chase's tent and promised me not to tell anyone! THE ONLY REAL FACT ON THIS LIST!
IF YOU'D LIKE TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO AMERICA SEX FACTS TODAY, TEXT #PETERSNOLONGERYOURFRIEND TO Odin Dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[ If Magnus is watching TV, right now, he'll see Odin sitting in the confessional pod up on that stupid big brother space shuttle, the camera silently watching him lean into his chair and do nothing. He's been there for about an hour, which is, coincidentally, about how long it's been since Poe rejected him. Womp womp. He's curled up with his phone, using that to text Magnus rather than through accessing the network mentally. The cameras don't pick it up. ]
Hey, are you awake? I don't know what time it is down there.
Everything's all dark and space-y up here, so it's hard to tell.
Hey, are you awake? I don't know what time it is down there.
Everything's all dark and space-y up here, so it's hard to tell.
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