Magnus, I swear on the agony that swirls within this scionic blood that I will dehugeify my love for you if you don't pick up the ph--
[ END MESSAGE!!! these messages are ooming in so quick and so fast that even if magnus WANTED to answer them, odin's barely giving him a chance to call ]
--one. Sorry. I pressed the hang up call button. 'Cause I'm all stressed out and worried and my hands are shaky and I'm VERY UPSET. Not too upset that you need to worry because I'm being a little exaggerate-y so as to get your attention so you'll ANSWER YOUR CALLS AND CALL ME BACK but I'm still very upset and I know that Alex likes decapitation because she told me she does and if you don't want me to somehow find a way to overrule her ownership of you so she'll listen to me long enough for me to sic her axe on you and--
--IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, IT WASN'T ROMANTIC, I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY!!! LITERALLY THE ONLY THING BETWEEN ME AND THAT DUDE IS THAT HE GAVE ME A HANDJOB LIKE 4000 FEET IN THE AIR ON HIS FLYING CARPET AND I'M SORRY.
God. Gods, actually. It's kind of funny, but I've started to pick up saying "God" even though "Gods" was what we always said back home? That's wild. Human earth America sure is wild.
[ there is an eerie, shark-like silence. toe to tip, it's just like jaws. did you like jaws, magnus? the tension. the suspense. always something lurking under the water, just out of sight. that's what things are like now, for a good twenty minutes. odin even shuts off his phone, so as not to receive any calls from magnus, should he try to contact him again. not that he would. the bastard.
and then
and then he's on magnus's doorstep, only he's not really. he's not on magnus's doorstep.
he's FUCKING SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF AS HE JUMPS ON THE TENT, WIELDING THE SPECIAL SWORD HE GOT FROM ARCHIE AND CRYING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, BAWLING AS HE SLASHES WILDLY THROUGH THE AIR. ]
[it does both; there's a tearing noise and the poles of the tent woggle out of the ground and a teenage boy yelps like a startled puppy, somewhere in all the chaos/beneath Odin's knees. apparently he is home!]
Fuck -- what the fuck -- !
[and Jack comes ripping up through the tent in a part that wasn't already torn, glowing and slashing in every direction]
Who goes there, fiend! Haha, wouldn't it be hilarious if I talked like that, senor? Oh hey! Who do we have here?
[oops forget defending his lord I guess (he knows Odin it's actuall chill), Jack is all up Ons that special sword]
Hey, baby, were you forged in the fires of Muspelheim? 'Cuz you're hot, hot, hot!
Shoulda answered ya phone, ya piece a-- oh, hey, Jack!
[ Odin goes starry eyed as ever, clutching his own sword to his chest and just staring at Jack with the kind of overwhelming admiration he always has when he's around him. ]
You know, I haven't named him or her or them just yet. I have a big notebook full of ideas, but-- look at him or her or them. I can't just pick the first name that jumps out at me. When I was naming Lady Camilla's armor for her, I came up with 120 names, and it was just armor. This is-- I mean. Look at him or her or them. Jack. Look.
[ he gets down on one knee, holding his rainbow sword delicately across both of his upturned hands. just straight up not even acknowledging magnus anymore. ]
[ Odin's heart only has to beat once in the time it takes for three full thoughts to materialize in his head. one: his sword's a girl. of course she is. she's beautiful. two: she's in love with jack. of course she is. he's so handsome. three: he has the perfect voice for her. odin pulls his comm from his pocket, surreptitiously googles something, memorizes what it says and then goes back to holding his sword in place.
and then it starts. odin goes full fuckin force on his charm magic, making her leave a trail of that same purple and blue rainbow in her wake as he cuts her through the air. the wind seems to sparkle in cyan and lavender, like little stars are blooming before their eyes when she speaks. ]
Tes yeux, j’en rêve jour et nuit! Your eyes, Jacques - I... I dream of them, day and night!
[ Odin waves his sword (who is french?) slowly back towards himself, then makes her coquettishly reach out towards Jack before shyly pulling back. odin gasps, ignoring magnus, patting his girl on her hilt affectionately. encouragingly. ]
[gobsmacked at this telenovela bullshit, finally, Magnus stands up (only stumbling once on the remains of his home), and holds out a hand. Jack comes wheeling back into it, smacking with a solid sound against his palm]
I'm gonna cut her in half.
No! My love, my heart! Well, alright. All's fair in love in war! Seeya, chica, wouldn't wanna be ya!
[ Odin feels more betrayed by Jack than by Magnus. To think a legendary sword would turn against him... he holds his sword to his chest again and looks genuinely kind of hurt. ]
[Jack has One Master at a time, Odin; it's a whole, stupid, epic thing, that ends with his dad getting murdered. good times]
You cut my house in half! -- You both did!
Hey, now.
Saying "hey now" isn't actually disagreeing with me, which you can't, because you did!
I was freeing you?
From my house!
Tetchy, techy...
[Magnus huffs, returning Jack to a pendant. no swords will be cut today, but he squares his palms on his hips]
Why did you jump on my tent swinging a sword? You know like, just because I can resurrect from the dead, doesn't mean I like getting stabbed? I'm a kebab lover, but not that way.
[ he still looks hurt, but only for about three seconds. magnus is cute. ]
That was really funny. I like when you get all sarcastic and witty and clever and stuff. Hehe.
[ he sheathes his sweet wife-sword, not so much a display of surrender as just a display of You Better Be Willing To Cut Off My Leg If You Cut My Sword You Piece Of Shit, even though given that magnus is dating alex of all people odin sort of suspects that limb-severing might not be as off the table to the kid as it would be to anyone else. ]
I needed to get your attention. I succeeded, and I also got to introduce Jack to his new girlfriend. His beautiful new girlfriend. Who he loves. I can't believe you turned him against her? Honestly. Some things just aren't cool, Magnus Chase.
[sadly, Magnus flushes when he gets worked up. it does not make him look intimidating. it makes him look like he's running a light-grade fever. that's what's happening now, his shoulders and elbows all arched, hair mussed from the tent]
[maybe in another hundred years he'll perfect the art of actually looking intimidating]
Wow. I wonder what other things aren't cool. Maybe, just thinking off the top of my head, jumping on somebody's tent while they're in it? Dude, what? What. What do you want? To go to the tent store?
[ if Magnus looked intimidating, Odin would've been worse. Shouting badass things about challenges and dragons or something so as to see his cool little brother look even angrier and more intense and wicked-cool. as it is, with magnus looking kinda flustered and messy, odin laughs, once, then realizes he's genuinely pretty pissed and sorta awkwardly bows down. ]
I can buy you a new tent. [ he pauses. ] No I can't? I spent all my money on-- it doesn't matter. It wasn't tennis balls, this time, though.
I just wanted to dishevel it. I didn't think I'd kill it. You were freaking me out! I told a bad joke and you apologized to me all seriously and then I kept trying to call you and you wouldn't answer me. It-- it was scary.
[Magnus seems to hold onto that irritation for another few beats, and then -- lets it go, shoulders slumping as Odin bows. he continues to Let It Go as Odin makes damn sure Magnus, who has been spending money on shit for their move, knows he is Also broke]
I don't -- what were we talking about? [it's been years since he was sitting in his cozy tent, texting his closest pals about making a home and flirting with Alex on the network. he's lived many lives since that moment] You freaked out because I apologised about something?
[if he sounds a little incredulous, it's because he is... he turns, going to start cleaning up the mess of the tent, fixing the poles first so he can see the damage]
If I messed up I messed up. Are you weird about being apologised to?
I made a joke and it was just a joke but you took it seriously and you didn't need to take it seriously because there was nothing to take seriously. I'm not weird about being apologized to when I need the apology but I don't need the apology and you need the apology so I'm here to put us both in our places using calm and level-headed logic.
[ he takes his sword out and holds it up to Magnus. ]
Accept that I love you and that you've done nothing wrong and that I've done something wrong or I won't let you leave here in one piece!
[Magnus stares down at the sword, stares back at Odin. then he turns to the mess of his tent, searching through sheaths of ripped fabric to -- find his phone. he opens it, scrolls for a few moments, letting Odin's Challenge hang anti-climatically in the air while cute boop beep sounds come from his phone]
[after a moment, he sticks the phone back in his hoodie pocket, goes back to fixing his tent and surveying the damage]
Yeah, I genuinely thought you were talking about a grudge match. Like with your wrestling character -- what's his name again? The Big Cock?
[there's a 99.9% chance Magnus knows it's not The Big Cock]
-- You didn't need to feel weird about, uh, your... magic carpet ride.
[he's flush again, and this time it's not because he wants to give Odin a wedgie. this is why he hung up instead of calling back but here we are!]
I felt weird about you apologizing to me! Specifically! In this instance! I felt weird about you saying sorry to me! Because I called you out on being involved in my personal life and you took it all real! Which you shouldn't have! Because I MESSED UP. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Magnus.
Magnus.
[ he steps forward, raising his arms, but then just stops dead in his tracs. this is normally where he would dive on Magnus for a hug, but he just stops and grips his sword instead. he's been getting the impression that Magnus is a private dude, finally, somehow, somehow he's gotten that impression, finally, somehow, somehow, finally, and the last thing he wants to do is make him uncomfortable by hugging him without permission. ... especially as he's already making him uncomfortable about something else. ]
I'm gonna hug the air and you can pretend that I'm hugging you, okay? Unless you don't want to do that. Then you can pretend I'm hugging a cool celebrity who wants me to be their best friend.
[ he hugs the air. ]
My wrestling character is in fact called The Big Cock.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
VOICEMAIL MOTHERFUCKER 1/5
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[ END MESSAGE!!! these messages are ooming in so quick and so fast that even if magnus WANTED to answer them, odin's barely giving him a chance to call ]
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God. Gods, actually. It's kind of funny, but I've started to pick up saying "God" even though "Gods" was what we always said back home? That's wild. Human earth America sure is wild.
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actION MOTHERFUCKER
and then
and then he's on magnus's doorstep, only he's not really. he's not on magnus's doorstep.
he's FUCKING SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF AS HE JUMPS ON THE TENT, WIELDING THE SPECIAL SWORD HE GOT FROM ARCHIE AND CRYING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, BAWLING AS HE SLASHES WILDLY THROUGH THE AIR. ]
MAGNUS! MAGNUS!!!! MA-HA-HAAAGNA-HAAHAA-AHAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!!
[ he is jumping on the tent. it is going to collapse. or rip. better be fuckin home bruh ]
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Fuck -- what the fuck -- !
[and Jack comes ripping up through the tent in a part that wasn't already torn, glowing and slashing in every direction]
Who goes there, fiend! Haha, wouldn't it be hilarious if I talked like that, senor? Oh hey! Who do we have here?
[oops forget defending his lord I guess (he knows Odin it's actuall chill), Jack is all up Ons that special sword]
Hey, baby, were you forged in the fires of Muspelheim? 'Cuz you're hot, hot, hot!
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ Odin goes starry eyed as ever, clutching his own sword to his chest and just staring at Jack with the kind of overwhelming admiration he always has when he's around him. ]
You know, I haven't named him or her or them just yet. I have a big notebook full of ideas, but-- look at him or her or them. I can't just pick the first name that jumps out at me. When I was naming Lady Camilla's armor for her, I came up with 120 names, and it was just armor. This is-- I mean. Look at him or her or them. Jack. Look.
[ he gets down on one knee, holding his rainbow sword delicately across both of his upturned hands. just straight up not even acknowledging magnus anymore. ]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[from the tent, a boy groans, and a boy-shape sits up in the one place the tent hasn't been torn]
Jack --
Hmmm? Oh, sorry, boss! Let me get that for you --
No!
[RRRRRRIP. Magnus' fluffy head pops out of the perfectly cut-open hole in the tent. he looks vaguely agonised]
Odin, what the hel? Why did you divebomb my tent? [TODAY?]
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and then it starts. odin goes full fuckin force on his charm magic, making her leave a trail of that same purple and blue rainbow in her wake as he cuts her through the air. the wind seems to sparkle in cyan and lavender, like little stars are blooming before their eyes when she speaks. ]
Tes yeux, j’en rêve jour et nuit! Your eyes, Jacques - I... I dream of them, day and night!
[ Odin waves his sword (who is french?) slowly back towards himself, then makes her coquettishly reach out towards Jack before shyly pulling back. odin gasps, ignoring magnus, patting his girl on her hilt affectionately. encouragingly. ]
Jack... did you hear that? She's in love.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
I'm gonna cut her in half.
No! My love, my heart! Well, alright. All's fair in love in war! Seeya, chica, wouldn't wanna be ya!
[ADVANCES]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Please don't cut my sword in half.
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You cut my house in half! -- You both did!
Hey, now.
Saying "hey now" isn't actually disagreeing with me, which you can't, because you did!
I was freeing you?
From my house!
Tetchy, techy...
[Magnus huffs, returning Jack to a pendant. no swords will be cut today, but he squares his palms on his hips]
Why did you jump on my tent swinging a sword? You know like, just because I can resurrect from the dead, doesn't mean I like getting stabbed? I'm a kebab lover, but not that way.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
That was really funny. I like when you get all sarcastic and witty and clever and stuff. Hehe.
[ he sheathes his sweet wife-sword, not so much a display of surrender as just a display of You Better Be Willing To Cut Off My Leg If You Cut My Sword You Piece Of Shit, even though given that magnus is dating alex of all people odin sort of suspects that limb-severing might not be as off the table to the kid as it would be to anyone else. ]
I needed to get your attention. I succeeded, and I also got to introduce Jack to his new girlfriend. His beautiful new girlfriend. Who he loves. I can't believe you turned him against her? Honestly. Some things just aren't cool, Magnus Chase.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[maybe in another hundred years he'll perfect the art of actually looking intimidating]
Wow. I wonder what other things aren't cool. Maybe, just thinking off the top of my head, jumping on somebody's tent while they're in it? Dude, what? What. What do you want? To go to the tent store?
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
I can buy you a new tent. [ he pauses. ] No I can't? I spent all my money on-- it doesn't matter. It wasn't tennis balls, this time, though.
I just wanted to dishevel it. I didn't think I'd kill it. You were freaking me out! I told a bad joke and you apologized to me all seriously and then I kept trying to call you and you wouldn't answer me. It-- it was scary.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
I don't -- what were we talking about? [it's been years since he was sitting in his cozy tent, texting his closest pals about making a home and flirting with Alex on the network. he's lived many lives since that moment] You freaked out because I apologised about something?
[if he sounds a little incredulous, it's because he is... he turns, going to start cleaning up the mess of the tent, fixing the poles first so he can see the damage]
If I messed up I messed up. Are you weird about being apologised to?
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ he takes his sword out and holds it up to Magnus. ]
Accept that I love you and that you've done nothing wrong and that I've done something wrong or I won't let you leave here in one piece!
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[after a moment, he sticks the phone back in his hoodie pocket, goes back to fixing his tent and surveying the damage]
Yeah, I genuinely thought you were talking about a grudge match. Like with your wrestling character -- what's his name again? The Big Cock?
[there's a 99.9% chance Magnus knows it's not The Big Cock]
-- You didn't need to feel weird about, uh, your... magic carpet ride.
[he's flush again, and this time it's not because he wants to give Odin a wedgie. this is why he hung up instead of calling back but here we are!]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Magnus.
[ he steps forward, raising his arms, but then just stops dead in his tracs. this is normally where he would dive on Magnus for a hug, but he just stops and grips his sword instead. he's been getting the impression that Magnus is a private dude, finally, somehow, somehow he's gotten that impression, finally, somehow, somehow, finally, and the last thing he wants to do is make him uncomfortable by hugging him without permission. ... especially as he's already making him uncomfortable about something else. ]
I'm gonna hug the air and you can pretend that I'm hugging you, okay? Unless you don't want to do that. Then you can pretend I'm hugging a cool celebrity who wants me to be their best friend.
[ he hugs the air. ]
My wrestling character is in fact called The Big Cock.
[ it isn't. he keeps hugging the air. ]
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