Oh. I definitely woke you up. I've gotta stop doing that. I'm not even on earth and you're not even in a tent for me to ransack, and yet still, somehow, I find a way to ruin your rem cycle.
It has just been a bad night. We can talk in the morning. Don't worry about it.
as many as she wants. i think noah's gonna paint a mural.
we moved a lot of the stuff you gave us into the house. look
[attached is a photo of the main room of the treehouse; the bookcase is there, the snuggies are over a cozy looking couch, the lights are tangled with care around the beams, and so on]
[ he wishes he could say this is just catharsis after getting rejected but when odin starts crying a little it's literally 60-70% because he wasn't expecting those photos to hit him out of nowhere and he's so happy to have magnus as a friend and moved to have had his presents to warmly welcomed into his home. ]
Don't turn on the TV? I'm literally crying.
She's on one of the rafters, right? Wait, fuck, I think that's a real snake. You have real snakes in there already? Is that on purpose or are you going to die?
ha! i knew i'd get you. no one's going to die. he was just cold outside, i felt him shivering with my spidey senses. it was too sad to not let him warm up in here.
Thanksgiving's the thing with the dead bird you cut open and stuff with other things and then cook it? Even though you can do that any time and there doesn't need to be a whole day about shoving leaves in bird corpses? I saw people talking about it. God, Earth is so weird.
it's actually a fucked up propaganda bandaid over atrocities against indigenous people but. yeah now it's more about shoving stuff up a turkey ass and american football.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Hey speaking of America being a bad place to live, I told a dude I was in love with him and got rejected on national TV. It was humiliating and depressing.
[Magnus walks back to Alex's studio, where she's been sketching new ideas for paintings on the walls, for new pottery designs. ever since they finished the studio, it's like she's a woman possessed. he kisses her head, makes a request, leaves with her phone in his hand. paces back to his bedroom, snatches up one of Alex's hoodies rumpled at the edge of the bed, and climbs the ladder up from his bed to the skylight, texting in his other hand]
i'm sorry, odin. you're really lovable. it's not your fault, that that guy can't see that.
[climbing out onto the roof of the treehouse, Magnus finds a spot to sit, and props Alex's phone up in his lap. he puts it on mute, finds the Big Brother stream from space. starts rewinding, looking for blond hair]
[ cool. as much as he loves magnus, he's glad he can't see him right now - the warmth magnus and alex have shared for what feels like pretty much as long as odin has known them would just exacerbate that quiet, acidic sadness that's been burning in his gut all evening. if he could see them, he might wonder if that's the kind of warmth poe shares with whoever it is he loves more than odin. it probably is. ]
I'd like to talk about it? If that's okay.
He loves someone else. I wish he hadn't told me that but it's my fault that he did. I said "I want to know why I'm not what you want" because he just kept saying things like "I can't do that to you" without telling me why, and eventually he said "I already know who I want" and it was pretty much the worst I've ever felt. So yeah. He didn't do anything wrong, but I don't know what to do now. Archie said I have to suck it up, and to be an adult, and to move on, but, Even though it hurts to be around him, and I don't think I can just get over this and be his friend again, I love him. It's going to hurt even more saying goodbye, if I have to. And,
Sometimes I would look at him and I would be overwhelmed with how much I care about him, and I thought I saw something like that in his eyes, too, sometimes? Not-- not love, exactly, not like it was with me, I think, but maybe something close. I don't know how I could have been so stupid to think that. I dunno.
[he loves someone else. Magnus has no experience with this, but he clutches his phone with determination. he will do his best, because that's what Odin deserves. even if he can't help, he wants to be able to be there for him, in support. sometimes you just needed to listen, encourage. not everything was fixable; not everything was easily healed, like a broken bone]
i think it's too early to figure out the next step. sometimes you just have to sit around feeling shitty, for a while. don't worry about what you can or can't be to him. it's ok to feel your feelings, whatever they are. i mean, it sucks, bc they're shitty ones. but sucking it up is a bad idea.
and i think it's not stupid to think someone could be in love with you. you're an incredible guy. it's harder to believe someone wouldn't fall in love with you.
Man. I'm not incredible. I'm just a really stupid dude. I knew when I was going into the confession that it was a fucked up and selfish thing to do, and I've been trying so hard not to be so fucked up and selfish all the time - you've seen it first hand, with how hard I've tried to treat you better. But I still went through with it? I put so much pressure on him, in front of so many people. I told him all of that in public, he even tried to turn off the comms, it was just-- I might have fucked up something between him and whoever he's with, because, like - if he's already dating them, I must have crossed some kind of boundary, right? And if he's not, I made him admit he's got feelings for someone in front of the whole of America? I backed him into a corner and made him uncomfortable and put him in such a terrible, awful position, just because I wanted something from him. Incredible people don't do that. Actually, people who care about other people don't do that. I don't know how I can claim I love him when I might have really, really hurt him tonight. You don't do that to people you love. My mom and dad never would have hurt each other like I might have hurt Poe tonight.
your mom and dad were once young and unsure too. no offense, but i bet they fucked up with eachother, sometimes. people aren't perfect, odin. fucking up, especially with people you love, doesn't make you anything but human. later you can apologise and make amends.
what makes you incredible is how you always want to be better. that you know when you should apologise because you've hurt someone. and how much you really, actually care, about people. none of that changes, just because this went bad.
i'm sorry your first confession didn't go good, man. that really, really sucks.
[on the screen, muted, Magnus watches the captions, of Odin confessing to a clearly flummoxed Poe. it's hard to watch. he hates it, feels guilty and invasive. but Odin's in pain, and Magnus needs to see how much]
[ He flares up with anger, but it dies fast, smothered under all his lethargy. Magnus has a point, it's just - one that's hard to acknowledge. It takes a minute before he replies. ]
Before I was born, my dad was so scared of touching my mom that even when he served as her bodyguard he wouldn't come within a few feet of her. He-- had his reasons, but she didn't know them back then, and they would get in fights all the time over it. "How are you supposed to protect me from all the way back there?!" "Stay back, woman! Hands where I can see them!"... things like that. I think they hated each other for a while.
[ odin is typing. odin is typing. odin is typing. ]
I just really thought we could have been something. Something big. I thought, ten years from now, if I woke up with him - here, or in my world, or in his, wherever we would be - I would feel as happy as I do now, whenever he smiles at me. Shit sucks.
[no way, Odin says, and then proves his point. it's not the time, but -- Magnus starts, a little, learning that Lon'qu also had problems, touching other people. even the ones he loved. it's something to ask about later, maybe. right now, all he cares about is getting Odin through this painful heartache]
you'll get something big. maybe not with him. but there's someone out there for you, that's just perfect. don't disagree with me. i'm pulling the divine prophecy card. it's fate.
[ He curls up in his chair, shutting his eyes. He wishes, for the thousandth time, that he didn't have such bad insomnia. ]
I think I want to come home, yeah. I'd have to talk to Peter first, but two more weeks of seeing Poe and knowing he's probably resenting me or wishing he was back with... whoever, just... I'll have to talk to Peter, but yeah, maybe. I don't want to take over your house when you're just moving in, though. And you're still in the middle of painting everything...
[ they didn't do shit to the shower. psychological warfare on one of his very best friends for no reason. ]
Thank you for talking to me through all of this.
Don't you get tired of hearing from me all the time? And from everyone else, for that matter. I know that you're a private person and you don't like getting involved with other people's business. I'm trying to balance that a little better with my unerring needs for attention and praise and reassurance.
i don't. i like being there for people, if they need it and it's not invasive. it's one of the things i'm not totally useless at i think? and it feels nice to do. like having a family.
[he peers over the ledge of his roof at the outdoor shower. they haven't used it yet, for obvious chilly reasons. it probably shoots fireworks, he thinks, snorting]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I definitely woke you up. I've gotta stop doing that.
I'm not even on earth and you're not even in a tent for me to ransack, and yet still, somehow, I find a way to ruin your rem cycle.
It has just been a bad night.
We can talk in the morning. Don't worry about it.
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how was it bad? sorry i didn't get to watch much tonight we were painting the studio
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How is everything coming along? The studio and the house and all the other stuff.
How many rooms has Alex painted acid pink so far?
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we moved a lot of the stuff you gave us into the house. look
[attached is a photo of the main room of the treehouse; the bookcase is there, the snuggies are over a cozy looking couch, the lights are tangled with care around the beams, and so on]
can you find snalex?
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Don't turn on the TV? I'm literally crying.
She's on one of the rafters, right? Wait, fuck, I think that's a real snake. You have real snakes in there already? Is that on purpose or are you going to die?
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don't cry odin.
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What, um, else is, going on?
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i'm warming up some tamales from thanksgiving to eat in the dark in the kitchen. we went to 2 1/2 thanksgivings.
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earth is weird.
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Hey speaking of America being a bad place to live,
I told a dude I was in love with him and got rejected on national TV.
It was humiliating and depressing.
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[Magnus walks back to Alex's studio, where she's been sketching new ideas for paintings on the walls, for new pottery designs. ever since they finished the studio, it's like she's a woman possessed. he kisses her head, makes a request, leaves with her phone in his hand. paces back to his bedroom, snatches up one of Alex's hoodies rumpled at the edge of the bed, and climbs the ladder up from his bed to the skylight, texting in his other hand]
i'm sorry, odin. you're really lovable. it's not your fault, that that guy can't see that.
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[climbing out onto the roof of the treehouse, Magnus finds a spot to sit, and props Alex's phone up in his lap. he puts it on mute, finds the Big Brother stream from space. starts rewinding, looking for blond hair]
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I'd like to talk about it? If that's okay.
He loves someone else. I wish he hadn't told me that but it's my fault that he did.
I said "I want to know why I'm not what you want" because he just kept saying things like "I can't do that to you" without telling me why, and eventually he said "I already know who I want" and it was pretty much the worst I've ever felt.
So yeah. He didn't do anything wrong, but I don't know what to do now.
Archie said I have to suck it up, and to be an adult, and to move on, but,
Even though it hurts to be around him, and I don't think I can just get over this and be his friend again, I love him. It's going to hurt even more saying goodbye, if I have to.
And,
Sometimes I would look at him and I would be overwhelmed with how much I care about him, and I thought I saw something like that in his eyes, too, sometimes? Not-- not love, exactly, not like it was with me, I think, but maybe something close.
I don't know how I could have been so stupid to think that. I dunno.
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i think it's too early to figure out the next step. sometimes you just have to sit around feeling shitty, for a while. don't worry about what you can or can't be to him. it's ok to feel your feelings, whatever they are. i mean, it sucks, bc they're shitty ones. but sucking it up is a bad idea.
and i think it's not stupid to think someone could be in love with you. you're an incredible guy. it's harder to believe someone wouldn't fall in love with you.
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I'm not incredible. I'm just a really stupid dude.
I knew when I was going into the confession that it was a fucked up and selfish thing to do, and I've been trying so hard not to be so fucked up and selfish all the time - you've seen it first hand, with how hard I've tried to treat you better. But I still went through with it? I put so much pressure on him, in front of so many people. I told him all of that in public, he even tried to turn off the comms, it was just--
I might have fucked up something between him and whoever he's with, because, like - if he's already dating them, I must have crossed some kind of boundary, right? And if he's not, I made him admit he's got feelings for someone in front of the whole of America?
I backed him into a corner and made him uncomfortable and put him in such a terrible, awful position, just because I wanted something from him. Incredible people don't do that. Actually, people who care about other people don't do that.
I don't know how I can claim I love him when I might have really, really hurt him tonight. You don't do that to people you love.
My mom and dad never would have hurt each other like I might have hurt Poe tonight.
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what makes you incredible is how you always want to be better. that you know when you should apologise because you've hurt someone. and how much you really, actually care, about people. none of that changes, just because this went bad.
i'm sorry your first confession didn't go good, man. that really, really sucks.
[on the screen, muted, Magnus watches the captions, of Odin confessing to a clearly flummoxed Poe. it's hard to watch. he hates it, feels guilty and invasive. but Odin's in pain, and Magnus needs to see how much]
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[ He flares up with anger, but it dies fast, smothered under all his lethargy. Magnus has a point, it's just - one that's hard to acknowledge. It takes a minute before he replies. ]
Before I was born, my dad was so scared of touching my mom that even when he served as her bodyguard he wouldn't come within a few feet of her. He-- had his reasons, but she didn't know them back then, and they would get in fights all the time over it. "How are you supposed to protect me from all the way back there?!" "Stay back, woman! Hands where I can see them!"... things like that. I think they hated each other for a while.
[ odin is typing. odin is typing. odin is typing. ]
I just really thought we could have been something. Something big. I thought, ten years from now, if I woke up with him - here, or in my world, or in his, wherever we would be - I would feel as happy as I do now, whenever he smiles at me.
Shit sucks.
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you'll get something big. maybe not with him. but there's someone out there for you, that's just perfect. don't disagree with me. i'm pulling the divine prophecy card. it's fate.
do you want to come home and stay with us?
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[ He curls up in his chair, shutting his eyes. He wishes, for the thousandth time, that he didn't have such bad insomnia. ]
I think I want to come home, yeah.
I'd have to talk to Peter first, but two more weeks of seeing Poe and knowing he's probably resenting me or wishing he was back with... whoever, just...
I'll have to talk to Peter, but yeah, maybe.
I don't want to take over your house when you're just moving in, though. And you're still in the middle of painting everything...
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talking to peter sounds like a good idea. whatever you decide, our place is your place. your name's on the deck, remember?
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Did you find the rat prints?
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[ they didn't do shit to the shower. psychological warfare on one of his very best friends for no reason. ]
Thank you for talking to me through all of this.
Don't you get tired of hearing from me all the time? And from everyone else, for that matter.
I know that you're a private person and you don't like getting involved with other people's business. I'm trying to balance that a little better with my unerring needs for attention and praise and reassurance.
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[he peers over the ledge of his roof at the outdoor shower. they haven't used it yet, for obvious chilly reasons. it probably shoots fireworks, he thinks, snorting]
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