Thanksgiving's the thing with the dead bird you cut open and stuff with other things and then cook it? Even though you can do that any time and there doesn't need to be a whole day about shoving leaves in bird corpses? I saw people talking about it. God, Earth is so weird.
it's actually a fucked up propaganda bandaid over atrocities against indigenous people but. yeah now it's more about shoving stuff up a turkey ass and american football.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Hey speaking of America being a bad place to live, I told a dude I was in love with him and got rejected on national TV. It was humiliating and depressing.
[Magnus walks back to Alex's studio, where she's been sketching new ideas for paintings on the walls, for new pottery designs. ever since they finished the studio, it's like she's a woman possessed. he kisses her head, makes a request, leaves with her phone in his hand. paces back to his bedroom, snatches up one of Alex's hoodies rumpled at the edge of the bed, and climbs the ladder up from his bed to the skylight, texting in his other hand]
i'm sorry, odin. you're really lovable. it's not your fault, that that guy can't see that.
[climbing out onto the roof of the treehouse, Magnus finds a spot to sit, and props Alex's phone up in his lap. he puts it on mute, finds the Big Brother stream from space. starts rewinding, looking for blond hair]
[ cool. as much as he loves magnus, he's glad he can't see him right now - the warmth magnus and alex have shared for what feels like pretty much as long as odin has known them would just exacerbate that quiet, acidic sadness that's been burning in his gut all evening. if he could see them, he might wonder if that's the kind of warmth poe shares with whoever it is he loves more than odin. it probably is. ]
I'd like to talk about it? If that's okay.
He loves someone else. I wish he hadn't told me that but it's my fault that he did. I said "I want to know why I'm not what you want" because he just kept saying things like "I can't do that to you" without telling me why, and eventually he said "I already know who I want" and it was pretty much the worst I've ever felt. So yeah. He didn't do anything wrong, but I don't know what to do now. Archie said I have to suck it up, and to be an adult, and to move on, but, Even though it hurts to be around him, and I don't think I can just get over this and be his friend again, I love him. It's going to hurt even more saying goodbye, if I have to. And,
Sometimes I would look at him and I would be overwhelmed with how much I care about him, and I thought I saw something like that in his eyes, too, sometimes? Not-- not love, exactly, not like it was with me, I think, but maybe something close. I don't know how I could have been so stupid to think that. I dunno.
[he loves someone else. Magnus has no experience with this, but he clutches his phone with determination. he will do his best, because that's what Odin deserves. even if he can't help, he wants to be able to be there for him, in support. sometimes you just needed to listen, encourage. not everything was fixable; not everything was easily healed, like a broken bone]
i think it's too early to figure out the next step. sometimes you just have to sit around feeling shitty, for a while. don't worry about what you can or can't be to him. it's ok to feel your feelings, whatever they are. i mean, it sucks, bc they're shitty ones. but sucking it up is a bad idea.
and i think it's not stupid to think someone could be in love with you. you're an incredible guy. it's harder to believe someone wouldn't fall in love with you.
Man. I'm not incredible. I'm just a really stupid dude. I knew when I was going into the confession that it was a fucked up and selfish thing to do, and I've been trying so hard not to be so fucked up and selfish all the time - you've seen it first hand, with how hard I've tried to treat you better. But I still went through with it? I put so much pressure on him, in front of so many people. I told him all of that in public, he even tried to turn off the comms, it was just-- I might have fucked up something between him and whoever he's with, because, like - if he's already dating them, I must have crossed some kind of boundary, right? And if he's not, I made him admit he's got feelings for someone in front of the whole of America? I backed him into a corner and made him uncomfortable and put him in such a terrible, awful position, just because I wanted something from him. Incredible people don't do that. Actually, people who care about other people don't do that. I don't know how I can claim I love him when I might have really, really hurt him tonight. You don't do that to people you love. My mom and dad never would have hurt each other like I might have hurt Poe tonight.
your mom and dad were once young and unsure too. no offense, but i bet they fucked up with eachother, sometimes. people aren't perfect, odin. fucking up, especially with people you love, doesn't make you anything but human. later you can apologise and make amends.
what makes you incredible is how you always want to be better. that you know when you should apologise because you've hurt someone. and how much you really, actually care, about people. none of that changes, just because this went bad.
i'm sorry your first confession didn't go good, man. that really, really sucks.
[on the screen, muted, Magnus watches the captions, of Odin confessing to a clearly flummoxed Poe. it's hard to watch. he hates it, feels guilty and invasive. but Odin's in pain, and Magnus needs to see how much]
[ He flares up with anger, but it dies fast, smothered under all his lethargy. Magnus has a point, it's just - one that's hard to acknowledge. It takes a minute before he replies. ]
Before I was born, my dad was so scared of touching my mom that even when he served as her bodyguard he wouldn't come within a few feet of her. He-- had his reasons, but she didn't know them back then, and they would get in fights all the time over it. "How are you supposed to protect me from all the way back there?!" "Stay back, woman! Hands where I can see them!"... things like that. I think they hated each other for a while.
[ odin is typing. odin is typing. odin is typing. ]
I just really thought we could have been something. Something big. I thought, ten years from now, if I woke up with him - here, or in my world, or in his, wherever we would be - I would feel as happy as I do now, whenever he smiles at me. Shit sucks.
[no way, Odin says, and then proves his point. it's not the time, but -- Magnus starts, a little, learning that Lon'qu also had problems, touching other people. even the ones he loved. it's something to ask about later, maybe. right now, all he cares about is getting Odin through this painful heartache]
you'll get something big. maybe not with him. but there's someone out there for you, that's just perfect. don't disagree with me. i'm pulling the divine prophecy card. it's fate.
[ He curls up in his chair, shutting his eyes. He wishes, for the thousandth time, that he didn't have such bad insomnia. ]
I think I want to come home, yeah. I'd have to talk to Peter first, but two more weeks of seeing Poe and knowing he's probably resenting me or wishing he was back with... whoever, just... I'll have to talk to Peter, but yeah, maybe. I don't want to take over your house when you're just moving in, though. And you're still in the middle of painting everything...
[ they didn't do shit to the shower. psychological warfare on one of his very best friends for no reason. ]
Thank you for talking to me through all of this.
Don't you get tired of hearing from me all the time? And from everyone else, for that matter. I know that you're a private person and you don't like getting involved with other people's business. I'm trying to balance that a little better with my unerring needs for attention and praise and reassurance.
i don't. i like being there for people, if they need it and it's not invasive. it's one of the things i'm not totally useless at i think? and it feels nice to do. like having a family.
[he peers over the ledge of his roof at the outdoor shower. they haven't used it yet, for obvious chilly reasons. it probably shoots fireworks, he thinks, snorting]
I mean - you know how much I rely on you. You help clear my head just by being near me. It blows my mind that you think you could be totally useless at anything, though. I mean - look at everything you just built with Alex! Like, yeah, we all helped, but so much of that treehouse is you, you know? You did so good! And, like,
[ He pauses. He was going to go into another one of his big, long, stupid paragraphs about how much he loves Magnus and how happy he is to know him and about how amazing Magnus is in every part of his life, but the reminder that he built a home for himself and the girl he loves, it just-- hurts? He's envious, all of a sudden, and he finds himself just kind of dropping his phone into his lap and leaving the message there. He'll just be curled up in his chair for a while, the confessional pod's camera callously zoomed in on his face as he tries to hide it behind his arm. Eventually, though: ]
If you'd confessed to Alex, and she'd been like, "sorry, I love somebody else" or whatever - would you have given up on her? Would you have been, like, "okay - I guess that's that" and put her out of your mind? Because-- because I can't tell if it's fucked up of me to hope that maybe one day something might change. I think it might be? But the thought of letting go of him hurts. So I don't know.
[Magnus sees the shift in tone for what it is, understand where Odin's mind was, and where it went. he considers his response a long time before replying]
i don't know, odin. they're different situations, with different people and factors. and immortal dating's really different for a bunch of reasons. but mostly, this is my first relationship. so i don't have any experience, really, and i don't know what i would actually do in any hypothetical like that. imagining isn't the same. it'd just be me pulling shit out of my ass. you deserve better than that.
[he thinks hard before;]
i do think it's important to listen to what people tell you, if you care for them. so it wouldn't be okay to try and push anything on him, after he's said what he's said. that would be selfish. and hoping for a long time for something that someone else may never want would just suck for everybody.
but, it also just happened. of course you still hope maybe one day something might change. and maybe it will. but slow down. you don't have to think about letting him go or if you'll be friends or maybe more one day or whatever shit yet. take a breath. take a rest. you just went through something that sucked. time to turn your brain off and maybe cry some and watch bad tv.
[ That's all he says, for a while. It's important for him that Magnus knows - or at least hears him say - that Odin isn't going to do that kind of thing anymore. He's not going to put people on a pedestal, projecting what he wants onto them and acting however he likes even at the cost of their comfort. He's not going to treat Poe like some prize to win, the way a legendary sword or a forbidden grimoire might be - he's not going to tell Poe how he feels, if this feeling keeps going and going and going as long as he thinks it might. He just wanted to know if those feelings were okay, maybe. ]
sorry for asking that. It was kind of fucked up? I just wanted to know your thoughts I guess.
I'm gonna go I think. I wanna talk to Peter - I need to see if he thinks I should come home. I need to hug him, too? He gives these amazing hugs, it's-- mind-blowing that someone so stupid could be so good at hugs. I think he's asleep so I'm going to make him regret letting his guard down around me.
[did I make it worse, Magnus worries, shutting Alex's phone off and putting it into his thieved hoodie pocket. he's not sure, bites at his lip. the looming trees around him don't offer any answers, even if they do offer a sense of peace and comfort he wishes he could share with his friend, stuck up somewhere cold and distant]
i know you wouldn't, odin. and it wasn't fucked up to ask. i'm sorry i don't know much about relationships and stuff. alex is still up and probably will be for a bunch more hours, if it would help to talk to somebody with more experience.
i never had a peter hug. i'm glad he gives good ones. make sure you get a bunch. you can pretend one is from me, i think he'd be cool with me spiritually borrowing his hug skills.
you never have to apologise for being upset and needing help. i'm glad you messaged me even though i have a dumb sleepy baby bedtime. you're one of my best friends, and i want to be there for you. let me know what you and peter decide whenever, okay?
No, it's okay. I'm not asking you because I expect you to have all the answers. I'm asking you because - I love you, I guess? We've both got roughly the same amount of experience with all this, you're just also, like - The Happy End version. So. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about? I just wanted, Magnus. Words. Because you're Magnus.
[ stupid. he's stupid. odin stares down at the message he just sent, bitterly angry with himself. he can't even talk to his friends right. ]
I'll hit you up later after I talk to Peter, or if I decide to come home, or something. Thank you again for the offer. Try and get some sleep?
you don't need to explain. it's ok. and yeah, i'll try.
[except he's not doing that. he'll be climbing down the ladder, pacing back out to Alex's studio, to give her back her phone and curl up on some throw pillows near her. not on her -- she's trying to paint, working on the invitations for their house warming party. he'd like to try and stay up, to get Odin's text back; if he doesn't, dozes off in the warmth of the warm studio and to the sound of bristles on paper, Alex will hear the buzz and attend to it]
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i'm warming up some tamales from thanksgiving to eat in the dark in the kitchen. we went to 2 1/2 thanksgivings.
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earth is weird.
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Hey speaking of America being a bad place to live,
I told a dude I was in love with him and got rejected on national TV.
It was humiliating and depressing.
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[Magnus walks back to Alex's studio, where she's been sketching new ideas for paintings on the walls, for new pottery designs. ever since they finished the studio, it's like she's a woman possessed. he kisses her head, makes a request, leaves with her phone in his hand. paces back to his bedroom, snatches up one of Alex's hoodies rumpled at the edge of the bed, and climbs the ladder up from his bed to the skylight, texting in his other hand]
i'm sorry, odin. you're really lovable. it's not your fault, that that guy can't see that.
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[climbing out onto the roof of the treehouse, Magnus finds a spot to sit, and props Alex's phone up in his lap. he puts it on mute, finds the Big Brother stream from space. starts rewinding, looking for blond hair]
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I'd like to talk about it? If that's okay.
He loves someone else. I wish he hadn't told me that but it's my fault that he did.
I said "I want to know why I'm not what you want" because he just kept saying things like "I can't do that to you" without telling me why, and eventually he said "I already know who I want" and it was pretty much the worst I've ever felt.
So yeah. He didn't do anything wrong, but I don't know what to do now.
Archie said I have to suck it up, and to be an adult, and to move on, but,
Even though it hurts to be around him, and I don't think I can just get over this and be his friend again, I love him. It's going to hurt even more saying goodbye, if I have to.
And,
Sometimes I would look at him and I would be overwhelmed with how much I care about him, and I thought I saw something like that in his eyes, too, sometimes? Not-- not love, exactly, not like it was with me, I think, but maybe something close.
I don't know how I could have been so stupid to think that. I dunno.
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i think it's too early to figure out the next step. sometimes you just have to sit around feeling shitty, for a while. don't worry about what you can or can't be to him. it's ok to feel your feelings, whatever they are. i mean, it sucks, bc they're shitty ones. but sucking it up is a bad idea.
and i think it's not stupid to think someone could be in love with you. you're an incredible guy. it's harder to believe someone wouldn't fall in love with you.
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I'm not incredible. I'm just a really stupid dude.
I knew when I was going into the confession that it was a fucked up and selfish thing to do, and I've been trying so hard not to be so fucked up and selfish all the time - you've seen it first hand, with how hard I've tried to treat you better. But I still went through with it? I put so much pressure on him, in front of so many people. I told him all of that in public, he even tried to turn off the comms, it was just--
I might have fucked up something between him and whoever he's with, because, like - if he's already dating them, I must have crossed some kind of boundary, right? And if he's not, I made him admit he's got feelings for someone in front of the whole of America?
I backed him into a corner and made him uncomfortable and put him in such a terrible, awful position, just because I wanted something from him. Incredible people don't do that. Actually, people who care about other people don't do that.
I don't know how I can claim I love him when I might have really, really hurt him tonight. You don't do that to people you love.
My mom and dad never would have hurt each other like I might have hurt Poe tonight.
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what makes you incredible is how you always want to be better. that you know when you should apologise because you've hurt someone. and how much you really, actually care, about people. none of that changes, just because this went bad.
i'm sorry your first confession didn't go good, man. that really, really sucks.
[on the screen, muted, Magnus watches the captions, of Odin confessing to a clearly flummoxed Poe. it's hard to watch. he hates it, feels guilty and invasive. but Odin's in pain, and Magnus needs to see how much]
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[ He flares up with anger, but it dies fast, smothered under all his lethargy. Magnus has a point, it's just - one that's hard to acknowledge. It takes a minute before he replies. ]
Before I was born, my dad was so scared of touching my mom that even when he served as her bodyguard he wouldn't come within a few feet of her. He-- had his reasons, but she didn't know them back then, and they would get in fights all the time over it. "How are you supposed to protect me from all the way back there?!" "Stay back, woman! Hands where I can see them!"... things like that. I think they hated each other for a while.
[ odin is typing. odin is typing. odin is typing. ]
I just really thought we could have been something. Something big. I thought, ten years from now, if I woke up with him - here, or in my world, or in his, wherever we would be - I would feel as happy as I do now, whenever he smiles at me.
Shit sucks.
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you'll get something big. maybe not with him. but there's someone out there for you, that's just perfect. don't disagree with me. i'm pulling the divine prophecy card. it's fate.
do you want to come home and stay with us?
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[ He curls up in his chair, shutting his eyes. He wishes, for the thousandth time, that he didn't have such bad insomnia. ]
I think I want to come home, yeah.
I'd have to talk to Peter first, but two more weeks of seeing Poe and knowing he's probably resenting me or wishing he was back with... whoever, just...
I'll have to talk to Peter, but yeah, maybe.
I don't want to take over your house when you're just moving in, though. And you're still in the middle of painting everything...
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talking to peter sounds like a good idea. whatever you decide, our place is your place. your name's on the deck, remember?
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Did you find the rat prints?
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[ they didn't do shit to the shower. psychological warfare on one of his very best friends for no reason. ]
Thank you for talking to me through all of this.
Don't you get tired of hearing from me all the time? And from everyone else, for that matter.
I know that you're a private person and you don't like getting involved with other people's business. I'm trying to balance that a little better with my unerring needs for attention and praise and reassurance.
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[he peers over the ledge of his roof at the outdoor shower. they haven't used it yet, for obvious chilly reasons. it probably shoots fireworks, he thinks, snorting]
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[ He pauses. He was going to go into another one of his big, long, stupid paragraphs about how much he loves Magnus and how happy he is to know him and about how amazing Magnus is in every part of his life, but the reminder that he built a home for himself and the girl he loves, it just-- hurts? He's envious, all of a sudden, and he finds himself just kind of dropping his phone into his lap and leaving the message there. He'll just be curled up in his chair for a while, the confessional pod's camera callously zoomed in on his face as he tries to hide it behind his arm. Eventually, though: ]
If you'd confessed to Alex, and she'd been like, "sorry, I love somebody else" or whatever - would you have given up on her?
Would you have been, like, "okay - I guess that's that" and put her out of your mind?
Because-- because I can't tell if it's fucked up of me to hope that maybe one day something might change. I think it might be? But the thought of letting go of him hurts. So I don't know.
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i don't know, odin. they're different situations, with different people and factors. and immortal dating's really different for a bunch of reasons. but mostly, this is my first relationship. so i don't have any experience, really, and i don't know what i would actually do in any hypothetical like that. imagining isn't the same. it'd just be me pulling shit out of my ass. you deserve better than that.
[he thinks hard before;]
i do think it's important to listen to what people tell you, if you care for them. so it wouldn't be okay to try and push anything on him, after he's said what he's said. that would be selfish. and hoping for a long time for something that someone else may never want would just suck for everybody.
but, it also just happened. of course you still hope maybe one day something might change. and maybe it will. but slow down. you don't have to think about letting him go or if you'll be friends or maybe more one day or whatever shit yet. take a breath. take a rest. you just went through something that sucked. time to turn your brain off and maybe cry some and watch bad tv.
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[ That's all he says, for a while. It's important for him that Magnus knows - or at least hears him say - that Odin isn't going to do that kind of thing anymore. He's not going to put people on a pedestal, projecting what he wants onto them and acting however he likes even at the cost of their comfort. He's not going to treat Poe like some prize to win, the way a legendary sword or a forbidden grimoire might be - he's not going to tell Poe how he feels, if this feeling keeps going and going and going as long as he thinks it might. He just wanted to know if those feelings were okay, maybe. ]
sorry for asking that. It was kind of fucked up?
I just wanted to know your thoughts I guess.
I'm gonna go I think. I wanna talk to Peter - I need to see if he thinks I should come home. I need to hug him, too? He gives these amazing hugs, it's-- mind-blowing that someone so stupid could be so good at hugs.
I think he's asleep so I'm going to make him regret letting his guard down around me.
Thanks, again.
Sorry.
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i know you wouldn't, odin. and it wasn't fucked up to ask. i'm sorry i don't know much about relationships and stuff. alex is still up and probably will be for a bunch more hours, if it would help to talk to somebody with more experience.
i never had a peter hug. i'm glad he gives good ones. make sure you get a bunch. you can pretend one is from me, i think he'd be cool with me spiritually borrowing his hug skills.
you never have to apologise for being upset and needing help. i'm glad you messaged me even though i have a dumb sleepy baby bedtime. you're one of my best friends, and i want to be there for you. let me know what you and peter decide whenever, okay?
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[ stupid. he's stupid. odin stares down at the message he just sent, bitterly angry with himself. he can't even talk to his friends right. ]
I'll hit you up later after I talk to Peter, or if I decide to come home, or something. Thank you again for the offer.
Try and get some sleep?
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[except he's not doing that. he'll be climbing down the ladder, pacing back out to Alex's studio, to give her back her phone and curl up on some throw pillows near her. not on her -- she's trying to paint, working on the invitations for their house warming party. he'd like to try and stay up, to get Odin's text back; if he doesn't, dozes off in the warmth of the warm studio and to the sound of bristles on paper, Alex will hear the buzz and attend to it]
talk to you soon odin.