[ Odin huffs, suddenly rather frustrated. Granted, he understands what Magnus is trying to say on a very basic, fundamental level - he knows what it's like to just deal with the things expected of him, the pressures he had to find a way to thrive under. He's been a prince of a dying world, a soldier of a war-hungry nation, a "hero of time", and he spent the better part of his life learning not to buckle under all of that - but if any of those experiences taught him something, it was that when he was worried someone had too much weight on their shoulders, he had to take it Very Fucking Seriously. Given how he... handled things when he was Magnus's age, back when he longed to die and thoughts he didn't deserve the blood in his veins filling his head and completely shaping who he is as a person even now, it's hard for Odin to just accept "that's how life is" as an answer. He gets that the kid is stronger than him, he gets what it's like not to focus on yourself when you need to, but-- ]
I just don't want you burning out? I don't want you burning out. I don't want to contribute to you burning out. [ he focuses on the tent scraps again, picking them up with a kind of focused, concentrated bitterness so as not to send this rising, overly-personal and vaguely insulting panic at magnus's way. ] I guess that kind of sentiment would be more meaningful if I hadn't sicced Archie on you. Or destroyed your tent. Or if I would stop constantly panicking at you about one thing or another, but. If things ever change, I'm here to talk. I guess. I dunno. Sorry.
[Magnus gives Odin a wry, half-confused look, and he's quiet for another few moments, sorting out his thoughts, opening his bag to try and shove Alex's nicely folded clothes into]
Helping people in that way... is exhausting. [it's an admission; unknown to most of his "patients," he spends long hours napping after they leave (in turn unknown to him, Alex hovering outside the tent)] I'm still learning how to do it properly. But I want to, because it feels like the right thing to do. Or at least a good thing, to do, if I can. I've been -- [that's a carefully constructed sentence. Magnus tries again] -- that is, I still... get panic attacks sometimes. Not as much as I used to. So, I don't want other people to have to go through that kind of stuff, if I can help them though it, a little. I dunno.
[he makes a face after he's said all this, like he has no idea what he's produced, if it makes sense. his own feelings are vaguely unintelligible, vaguely incommunicable. he concludes, with an easy shrug]
If I start to feel burnt out... [a pause] I'll spend time with Alex, or you, or my friends. That's what recharges me.
I get it. You want to help people because you can, and because you're kind. It's an admirable attitude to have. [ he hesitates. ] That's what got my mother killed. She took on more than she could carry, stopped taking care of herself in order to take care of others and was struck down because of it. I just don't want you to let your guard down, and often, letting our guard down means valuing others at such a high priority that we lose sight of ourselves. Sometimes we need to take a step back and notice our own suffering. You don't have to talk about it, or put it in anyone else's hands, just - notice it. That's all.
[ He's quiet, going through everything he's saying with a kind of rehearsed, methodical precision. this is something he's told himself time and time again, so it comes easy to him, as does the quiet acknowledgment of knowing how much panic attacks fucking suck to deal with. magnus has probably had more than one text from him in the late hours of the morning after he'd had a particularly bad night and needed a shoulder to lean on. ]
Unnecessary lecture regarding things you probably already understand is over. You can spend time with me whenever you want, obviously, if that's what you like doing. For whatever fucking garbage reason in that messed up zombie head of yours.
[for some time now, Magnus has known Odin's parents were killed; he also has known it was traumatic, obviously, and that Odin was there when it happened. he knows Odin was on his own for a while, and worked as a sell-sword. these are details that perhaps Valhalla has numbed him slightly to -- most of his best friends in Valhalla lost their mortal parents and family long ago, and most everyone in Valhalla had to confront that feeling of being the last man standing, making their own way in their after/life]
[for all his maturity and empathy, for all the repetitive numbness of everyday atrocity he's seen in his friends (whether in Valhalla or the mortal world), Magnus doesn't know what it's like, to be outside of that pain. Odin speaks about his mother in the same bittersweet way Magnus thinks about his own; as someone who stopped taking care of herself to take care of others. in his case, just one other, in particular, which lead directly to -- well. he appreciates Odin's sharing his painful past with him, like he usually does]
[also like usual, he isn't really ready to talk about that, yet, to focus on his own suffering (it took him two full years to properly mourn his mother, the first time. he doesn't know how long it might take, to mourn himself)]
I...
[continue to be bad at expressing myself. Magnus visibly struggles, like he's forgotten the mechanics of speech. eventually]
I had to not notice. To survive. I still... [his eyebrows screw up, and his mouth thins. he amends whatever he was about to say, words stilted and fragmented like split stone, instead of the smooth, slow, cynic tones of a boy who's always quick on his feet to accept and adapt] This is, a weird, break. This place. I'm going back to a -- lot of, pressure... I can't focus on that stuff, yet. [...] So I'll try to learn to notice again, here. While I can. With help.
[he can't do it -- can't do much of anything, apart from fall into an empty stasis -- alone]
I'm sorry about your mom. She sounds like she was a good one, though.
[ Odin... Odin would like to say he understands the pressure that Magnus is under back home. In a way, he can - he, Severa and Inigo were pulled by a god into brand new lives, lauded as they were by Anankos as the most powerful heroes of their timeline. They were given a quest to end the life of a creator, to save existence, and that's the kind of pressure Odin will be returning home to, but -
His own world is already gone. Anything that happens to Nohr has already happened to Ylisse, the version of it he grew up in, where his mother's royal blood stained the dirt of her homeland red and where his father's hands shook and slowed as the arrow that shot through his back brought his heart to a stop. He's through the window of someone else's world, back home, and there's a surreal safety blanket in knowing that if everybody there dies - the people he loves, the people he cares about - they're not his people. It's... callous, but he's already killed so many others, severed their ties to consciousness with each stab or cut of his blade, each spell flung from his wrist, that it's hard for him to feel the same pressure he did when people only knew him as Owain.
So he bites down on those platitudes, the "i understand"s and the "i'm sorry"s, disgusting and empty things that swell up in him like a riptide. He focuses on Magnus as just the man he is - too young to feel what he feels, too small for such big things. There's danger in being fragile, and while Magnus isn't so brittle to fall for those traps, Odin thinks he's something close to it. Magnus is too gentle to be like broken glass, but too strong to be fully whole - there are cracks in him, Odin thinks, and they don't need to be filled, necessarily, but they need to be observed. Odin wants to handle Magnus with the care and the respect he deserves, and if all he can do is tell him "please, fucking lean on me, you're my family, I want someone so bright and so radiant and so caring as you to shine with more than just your brilliance, I want you to shine with joy", then that's what he'll do. ]
Take your time. Don't force these things. You don't need to be in any rush to... notice, or to get better, or-- or reach whatever goal it is you settle on, whatever it is you decide to do to help yourself be more comfortable. There's nothing to suggest you won't have years to spend with me, and with the Alex you know here, and with all the other people who love you. If you want to notice, you will, with time. I'll help you. Everyone'll help you, honestly. I think all your friends want of you is your happiness.
But - yeah. You would've liked her. My mom. She was a lot like you, I think. Not just-- the healing, but-- her soul? She inspired hope in people, made them want to be better. I think you're like that. To me, you are, in any case.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
But--
[ Odin huffs, suddenly rather frustrated. Granted, he understands what Magnus is trying to say on a very basic, fundamental level - he knows what it's like to just deal with the things expected of him, the pressures he had to find a way to thrive under. He's been a prince of a dying world, a soldier of a war-hungry nation, a "hero of time", and he spent the better part of his life learning not to buckle under all of that - but if any of those experiences taught him something, it was that when he was worried someone had too much weight on their shoulders, he had to take it Very Fucking Seriously. Given how he... handled things when he was Magnus's age, back when he longed to die and thoughts he didn't deserve the blood in his veins filling his head and completely shaping who he is as a person even now, it's hard for Odin to just accept "that's how life is" as an answer. He gets that the kid is stronger than him, he gets what it's like not to focus on yourself when you need to, but-- ]
I just don't want you burning out? I don't want you burning out. I don't want to contribute to you burning out. [ he focuses on the tent scraps again, picking them up with a kind of focused, concentrated bitterness so as not to send this rising, overly-personal and vaguely insulting panic at magnus's way. ] I guess that kind of sentiment would be more meaningful if I hadn't sicced Archie on you. Or destroyed your tent. Or if I would stop constantly panicking at you about one thing or another, but. If things ever change, I'm here to talk. I guess. I dunno. Sorry.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Helping people in that way... is exhausting. [it's an admission; unknown to most of his "patients," he spends long hours napping after they leave (in turn unknown to him, Alex hovering outside the tent)] I'm still learning how to do it properly. But I want to, because it feels like the right thing to do. Or at least a good thing, to do, if I can. I've been -- [that's a carefully constructed sentence. Magnus tries again] -- that is, I still... get panic attacks sometimes. Not as much as I used to. So, I don't want other people to have to go through that kind of stuff, if I can help them though it, a little. I dunno.
[he makes a face after he's said all this, like he has no idea what he's produced, if it makes sense. his own feelings are vaguely unintelligible, vaguely incommunicable. he concludes, with an easy shrug]
If I start to feel burnt out... [a pause] I'll spend time with Alex, or you, or my friends. That's what recharges me.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ He's quiet, going through everything he's saying with a kind of rehearsed, methodical precision. this is something he's told himself time and time again, so it comes easy to him, as does the quiet acknowledgment of knowing how much panic attacks fucking suck to deal with. magnus has probably had more than one text from him in the late hours of the morning after he'd had a particularly bad night and needed a shoulder to lean on. ]
Unnecessary lecture regarding things you probably already understand is over. You can spend time with me whenever you want, obviously, if that's what you like doing. For whatever fucking garbage reason in that messed up zombie head of yours.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[for all his maturity and empathy, for all the repetitive numbness of everyday atrocity he's seen in his friends (whether in Valhalla or the mortal world), Magnus doesn't know what it's like, to be outside of that pain. Odin speaks about his mother in the same bittersweet way Magnus thinks about his own; as someone who stopped taking care of herself to take care of others. in his case, just one other, in particular, which lead directly to -- well. he appreciates Odin's sharing his painful past with him, like he usually does]
[also like usual, he isn't really ready to talk about that, yet, to focus on his own suffering (it took him two full years to properly mourn his mother, the first time. he doesn't know how long it might take, to mourn himself)]
I...
[continue to be bad at expressing myself. Magnus visibly struggles, like he's forgotten the mechanics of speech. eventually]
I had to not notice. To survive. I still... [his eyebrows screw up, and his mouth thins. he amends whatever he was about to say, words stilted and fragmented like split stone, instead of the smooth, slow, cynic tones of a boy who's always quick on his feet to accept and adapt] This is, a weird, break. This place. I'm going back to a -- lot of, pressure... I can't focus on that stuff, yet. [...] So I'll try to learn to notice again, here. While I can. With help.
[he can't do it -- can't do much of anything, apart from fall into an empty stasis -- alone]
I'm sorry about your mom. She sounds like she was a good one, though.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
His own world is already gone. Anything that happens to Nohr has already happened to Ylisse, the version of it he grew up in, where his mother's royal blood stained the dirt of her homeland red and where his father's hands shook and slowed as the arrow that shot through his back brought his heart to a stop. He's through the window of someone else's world, back home, and there's a surreal safety blanket in knowing that if everybody there dies - the people he loves, the people he cares about - they're not his people. It's... callous, but he's already killed so many others, severed their ties to consciousness with each stab or cut of his blade, each spell flung from his wrist, that it's hard for him to feel the same pressure he did when people only knew him as Owain.
So he bites down on those platitudes, the "i understand"s and the "i'm sorry"s, disgusting and empty things that swell up in him like a riptide. He focuses on Magnus as just the man he is - too young to feel what he feels, too small for such big things. There's danger in being fragile, and while Magnus isn't so brittle to fall for those traps, Odin thinks he's something close to it. Magnus is too gentle to be like broken glass, but too strong to be fully whole - there are cracks in him, Odin thinks, and they don't need to be filled, necessarily, but they need to be observed. Odin wants to handle Magnus with the care and the respect he deserves, and if all he can do is tell him "please, fucking lean on me, you're my family, I want someone so bright and so radiant and so caring as you to shine with more than just your brilliance, I want you to shine with joy", then that's what he'll do. ]
Take your time. Don't force these things. You don't need to be in any rush to... notice, or to get better, or-- or reach whatever goal it is you settle on, whatever it is you decide to do to help yourself be more comfortable. There's nothing to suggest you won't have years to spend with me, and with the Alex you know here, and with all the other people who love you. If you want to notice, you will, with time. I'll help you. Everyone'll help you, honestly. I think all your friends want of you is your happiness.
But - yeah. You would've liked her. My mom. She was a lot like you, I think. Not just-- the healing, but-- her soul? She inspired hope in people, made them want to be better. I think you're like that. To me, you are, in any case.