I made a joke and it was just a joke but you took it seriously and you didn't need to take it seriously because there was nothing to take seriously. I'm not weird about being apologized to when I need the apology but I don't need the apology and you need the apology so I'm here to put us both in our places using calm and level-headed logic.
[ he takes his sword out and holds it up to Magnus. ]
Accept that I love you and that you've done nothing wrong and that I've done something wrong or I won't let you leave here in one piece!
[Magnus stares down at the sword, stares back at Odin. then he turns to the mess of his tent, searching through sheaths of ripped fabric to -- find his phone. he opens it, scrolls for a few moments, letting Odin's Challenge hang anti-climatically in the air while cute boop beep sounds come from his phone]
[after a moment, he sticks the phone back in his hoodie pocket, goes back to fixing his tent and surveying the damage]
Yeah, I genuinely thought you were talking about a grudge match. Like with your wrestling character -- what's his name again? The Big Cock?
[there's a 99.9% chance Magnus knows it's not The Big Cock]
-- You didn't need to feel weird about, uh, your... magic carpet ride.
[he's flush again, and this time it's not because he wants to give Odin a wedgie. this is why he hung up instead of calling back but here we are!]
I felt weird about you apologizing to me! Specifically! In this instance! I felt weird about you saying sorry to me! Because I called you out on being involved in my personal life and you took it all real! Which you shouldn't have! Because I MESSED UP. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Magnus.
Magnus.
[ he steps forward, raising his arms, but then just stops dead in his tracs. this is normally where he would dive on Magnus for a hug, but he just stops and grips his sword instead. he's been getting the impression that Magnus is a private dude, finally, somehow, somehow he's gotten that impression, finally, somehow, somehow, finally, and the last thing he wants to do is make him uncomfortable by hugging him without permission. ... especially as he's already making him uncomfortable about something else. ]
I'm gonna hug the air and you can pretend that I'm hugging you, okay? Unless you don't want to do that. Then you can pretend I'm hugging a cool celebrity who wants me to be their best friend.
[ he hugs the air. ]
My wrestling character is in fact called The Big Cock.
[and the gesture -- the air hug -- hits abruptly home in a way that surprises him. that's what he and Sam do, back in Valhalla, back in Boston. holding torn tarp in his hand, fingers pressing at the threads, Magnus bites his bottom lip for a moment, looking vaguely caught]
[Magnus and Sam do air hugs because of Sam's boundaries with touch, but it incidentally works out for Magnus, to have a best friend who doesn't expect touch from him as a matter of course. Odin touches everyone, and the fact that he isn't right now -- says a lot. it also makes Magnus think, it's not all about his own boundaries]
[this is probably not the desired result, but Magnus tends towards emotional honesty when he can muster it over his walls;]
...Sorry I keep think you getting personal isn't okay. That's kind of weird of me? And me pushing my stuff on you, I think. [pause] This isn't an apology for an apology, I promise. I just mean, I should have gotten the joke, because you're you. You wouldn't mind if I did ask a personal question, 'cuz you're an open guy, like that. I like that about you.
[a pause]
Thanks for the air hug. You didn't mess up. Aside from you fucking up our tent, which by the way, is going to result in Alex coming for you like a heat-seeking missile.
[ odin is thrown by the sudden shift in the air, and he nervously lowers his hands again, staring at Magnus like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to, like, hit Odin, or tell him "anyway, even though i like you, it's time to back off and stop hanging out with me all the time, because it's weird", or something. When that doesn't come, he just tilts his head, sorta just... confused by the apology. ]
No, it's-- first, I'm sorry for overreacting. Again. In this specific instance, but also in all of the other ones? The other instances. The other over-reacty instances. The ones that have happened literally every time we've interacted, ever, as people. As human beings.
[ he nods. yeah. nailed it. ]
Second - I just want to do right by you. Your boundaries are important to me, as is "your stuff", whatever that might be. It's okay to tell me if I'm being too personal, or if whatever I'm doing isn't okay, I'm just-- clumsy? I need help finding the right footing, sometimes, and I panic and throw stupid tantrums when I'm worried or scared of something, and if I'm not specifically told something like "hey, Odin, maybe don't swing your sword in the air and ruin my house" I'll end up doing exactly that. Because I don't have any common sense, really? But I-- I hope I've been improving. In how to deal with you. I hope I'm becoming a better friend. Despite all the-- um. The-- Alex-provoking tent ruination. And the too much talking? Yeah.
[Magnus listens with a fairly neutral expression, and nods, and eventually;]
Hey, Odin, maybe don't swing your sword in the air and ruin my house.
[looks at his tent]
Ah. Hm.
[his mouth quirks in a small smile; Odin is becoming a better friend, improving. Magnus hopes he's improving too, stepping more outside of his comfort zone]
I mean... okay. But, like. I can't? I literally can't do that, because I already did that, and now you don't have a house. So. Idiot? Learn to think before you speak. Idiot.
[ he leans on his sword like it's a cane, crossing his ankle behind his other leg and just kinda staring at the tent. ]
You could stay w-- [ nope. nope. not going to offer to let magnus and alex stay in his house. he already knows that's a firm, firm rejection just waiting to be thrown at him with the most derisive derision possible. ]
[now that his anger's passed, Magnus seems relatively unconcerned. Magnus and Alex are transients, and they've been transients for a while. a few nights spent elsewhere isn't much to be concerned over, in the long run, even if it is an annoyance in the short term. it'd be a different story if Odin lit their soon-to-be-constructed treehouse on fire, or a place that was more long term]
Help me clean this up and get our stuff out of here first, though. -- What's with that sword, by the way? You changing classes from mage?
[ thankfully, he'll have - without a doubt - enchanted a few surprise odin-specific wards at the base of Magnus's tree house just in case. probably just mines that set off gusts of wind if when odin's in range and his heartrate is elevated and he has something in his hands, like a sword or a knife that will be knocked to the ground by the spell. he knows himself.
he does as he's asked, though, leaping to Magnus's side and helping him collect pieces of tent, pointedly refusing to acknowledge Jack who still hurt him by not choosing love over loyalty. he gets it, though. ]
Um, more like changing back? When I was a kid, and the-- the world ended, I fought with a sword, like my dad. He taught me everything he knew. I changed to a more fabulous magery proficiency to express myself in a more shadowy and stylish way, and also because my mom used to heal people and I wanted to be like that. I'm-- not good at healing, though. I could never do it like she could. So. Yeah. Destructive magic, instead. At least that's some kind of tie to her.
[while Odin collects tent, Magnus collects the stuff inside -- it is, all jokes aside, their house, and Magnus excavates first his and Alex's backpacks (which serve as their closets and toiletry holders), next a smattering of library books, and -- with much more care and concern, the spillover of Alex's clothes out of her hiking bag, which is Considerable]
[he cocks his head, as he carefully checks for harm and sections off Alex's clothes from -- well, Odin -- listening to his friend talk. the sword thing reminds him of his own dad, a little (who's apparently one of the best swordsmen in the pantheon, even though he's a god of peace -- he was still Norse, after all), but his eyebrows crease at the second part. he never knew Odin wanted to heal, and for such a personal reason]
[Magnus can definitely relate to wanting to feel close to a mother that's been ripped out of one's life, so his response is a careful;]
How does healing work in your world? ...Maybe I could help you?
It's just - blessings. Goodness. White magic. She was light. I'm not. I don't have the connection I need with staves, the weapons that channel recovery, that she had. She was just - good? And I'm - I don't know.
[ he's stumbling through words, now, not really making a lot of sense because he was kind of thrown by the offer of help. he's not sure if he wants to take it, or not, so he just focuses on picking up tent scraps and quickly changes topic. ]
[so he needs a magical item to channel healing magic -- and there sounds like some weird baggage, about White and Dark magic going on, which as an avid reader of genre fiction and a White Mage dating a Demigod of Chaos, Magnus thinks is bullshit and stupid. he keeps these thoughts to himself for now, answering the question posed as he folds a cute pink sweater with a giant middle finger on it in sequins]
Um. My healing powers are from Frey, so they technically come from summer and the sun and like, life growth and nature? No staves. So, I heal and come back from the dead quickly. I'm much better at healing other people than myself for bigger stuff, though, it's a concentration thing.
[another sweater]
I can heal people physically and also, like, I guess emotionally and mentally? On a kind of crisis basis. I can keep people from having panic attacks or mental breakdowns or rage-outs or help with insomnia, that kind of thing. I've been healing a lot of that kind of stuff lately.
[what with the House; what with every imPort being mildly to severely traumatized]
I'm still learning. But I'm -- it's something I'm getting pretty good at. So I wouldn't mind helping you.
[ Odin drops all his tent pieces. he frowns, putting his hands on his hips, staring at Magnus dead in the eye. as always, there's that ominous beat of anticipation where it looks like his mind is coming up with a thousand different ways to talk about the sun and summer and how beautiful magnus is or whatever the fuck, but then he's got his arms over his chest, then back on his hips, then his chest again, like he's struggling to say whatever it is he wants to say. eventually he settles on-- ]
Doesn't that take a lot out of you? I'm-- good at listening to people. Contrary to popular belief. And it's hard, sometimes, hearing about the people I love going through some of the things they've been through. Having a raw connection to their emotional state, or-- or being there for them when they're doing, like, really poorly? That seems-- stressful. To me. And-- you're doing it a lot... even though you have all this stuff in your own life to focus on, like-- like Alex, and building your own place, and-- hey. Hey.
[ he points his sword at magnus again. vaguely threateningly, but his face has so much concern in it that it just looks weird. ]
Are you carrying all of that weight okay? I totally take back anything I said about checking in on Archie.
I already healed him. He came to visit me in Shenandoah a few days ago.
[weight isn't something Magnus thinks about; it'd bowed his shoulders in life from a very young age, and it's 9 whole realms heavy in death. Magnus Chase can always take more weight, and he doesn't seem to know his limits. it's never stopped him, but then, he'd also died young]
[he looks with some wry amusement at the bodily action that Odin finally appears to settle on, which is of course extending his rainbow sword, and then turns to make a nice neat stack of the clothes he's folded. he's methodical about it, calm]
I'm fine. [he'd leave it at that, because talking about his own burdens and emotions is the place his emotional aptitude fails him. (he can't concentrate, on healing himself.) but he realises that's probably not sufficient] I'm used to it. Having a lot of -- [he waves a hand in the air, an ambiguous gesture meaning precisely nothing] -- stuff. That's how life is. Afterlife, whatever.
[life is weight; life is trauma, and pain, and people you love at the mercy of powers beyond your ability to combat. life is losing your family, life is dying at sixteen, hungry and tired and furious. life is hard, hard enough, for everyone, not just him. he doesn't think Odin, who's had an equally rough go of it, will disagree]
[ Odin huffs, suddenly rather frustrated. Granted, he understands what Magnus is trying to say on a very basic, fundamental level - he knows what it's like to just deal with the things expected of him, the pressures he had to find a way to thrive under. He's been a prince of a dying world, a soldier of a war-hungry nation, a "hero of time", and he spent the better part of his life learning not to buckle under all of that - but if any of those experiences taught him something, it was that when he was worried someone had too much weight on their shoulders, he had to take it Very Fucking Seriously. Given how he... handled things when he was Magnus's age, back when he longed to die and thoughts he didn't deserve the blood in his veins filling his head and completely shaping who he is as a person even now, it's hard for Odin to just accept "that's how life is" as an answer. He gets that the kid is stronger than him, he gets what it's like not to focus on yourself when you need to, but-- ]
I just don't want you burning out? I don't want you burning out. I don't want to contribute to you burning out. [ he focuses on the tent scraps again, picking them up with a kind of focused, concentrated bitterness so as not to send this rising, overly-personal and vaguely insulting panic at magnus's way. ] I guess that kind of sentiment would be more meaningful if I hadn't sicced Archie on you. Or destroyed your tent. Or if I would stop constantly panicking at you about one thing or another, but. If things ever change, I'm here to talk. I guess. I dunno. Sorry.
[Magnus gives Odin a wry, half-confused look, and he's quiet for another few moments, sorting out his thoughts, opening his bag to try and shove Alex's nicely folded clothes into]
Helping people in that way... is exhausting. [it's an admission; unknown to most of his "patients," he spends long hours napping after they leave (in turn unknown to him, Alex hovering outside the tent)] I'm still learning how to do it properly. But I want to, because it feels like the right thing to do. Or at least a good thing, to do, if I can. I've been -- [that's a carefully constructed sentence. Magnus tries again] -- that is, I still... get panic attacks sometimes. Not as much as I used to. So, I don't want other people to have to go through that kind of stuff, if I can help them though it, a little. I dunno.
[he makes a face after he's said all this, like he has no idea what he's produced, if it makes sense. his own feelings are vaguely unintelligible, vaguely incommunicable. he concludes, with an easy shrug]
If I start to feel burnt out... [a pause] I'll spend time with Alex, or you, or my friends. That's what recharges me.
I get it. You want to help people because you can, and because you're kind. It's an admirable attitude to have. [ he hesitates. ] That's what got my mother killed. She took on more than she could carry, stopped taking care of herself in order to take care of others and was struck down because of it. I just don't want you to let your guard down, and often, letting our guard down means valuing others at such a high priority that we lose sight of ourselves. Sometimes we need to take a step back and notice our own suffering. You don't have to talk about it, or put it in anyone else's hands, just - notice it. That's all.
[ He's quiet, going through everything he's saying with a kind of rehearsed, methodical precision. this is something he's told himself time and time again, so it comes easy to him, as does the quiet acknowledgment of knowing how much panic attacks fucking suck to deal with. magnus has probably had more than one text from him in the late hours of the morning after he'd had a particularly bad night and needed a shoulder to lean on. ]
Unnecessary lecture regarding things you probably already understand is over. You can spend time with me whenever you want, obviously, if that's what you like doing. For whatever fucking garbage reason in that messed up zombie head of yours.
[for some time now, Magnus has known Odin's parents were killed; he also has known it was traumatic, obviously, and that Odin was there when it happened. he knows Odin was on his own for a while, and worked as a sell-sword. these are details that perhaps Valhalla has numbed him slightly to -- most of his best friends in Valhalla lost their mortal parents and family long ago, and most everyone in Valhalla had to confront that feeling of being the last man standing, making their own way in their after/life]
[for all his maturity and empathy, for all the repetitive numbness of everyday atrocity he's seen in his friends (whether in Valhalla or the mortal world), Magnus doesn't know what it's like, to be outside of that pain. Odin speaks about his mother in the same bittersweet way Magnus thinks about his own; as someone who stopped taking care of herself to take care of others. in his case, just one other, in particular, which lead directly to -- well. he appreciates Odin's sharing his painful past with him, like he usually does]
[also like usual, he isn't really ready to talk about that, yet, to focus on his own suffering (it took him two full years to properly mourn his mother, the first time. he doesn't know how long it might take, to mourn himself)]
I...
[continue to be bad at expressing myself. Magnus visibly struggles, like he's forgotten the mechanics of speech. eventually]
I had to not notice. To survive. I still... [his eyebrows screw up, and his mouth thins. he amends whatever he was about to say, words stilted and fragmented like split stone, instead of the smooth, slow, cynic tones of a boy who's always quick on his feet to accept and adapt] This is, a weird, break. This place. I'm going back to a -- lot of, pressure... I can't focus on that stuff, yet. [...] So I'll try to learn to notice again, here. While I can. With help.
[he can't do it -- can't do much of anything, apart from fall into an empty stasis -- alone]
I'm sorry about your mom. She sounds like she was a good one, though.
[ Odin... Odin would like to say he understands the pressure that Magnus is under back home. In a way, he can - he, Severa and Inigo were pulled by a god into brand new lives, lauded as they were by Anankos as the most powerful heroes of their timeline. They were given a quest to end the life of a creator, to save existence, and that's the kind of pressure Odin will be returning home to, but -
His own world is already gone. Anything that happens to Nohr has already happened to Ylisse, the version of it he grew up in, where his mother's royal blood stained the dirt of her homeland red and where his father's hands shook and slowed as the arrow that shot through his back brought his heart to a stop. He's through the window of someone else's world, back home, and there's a surreal safety blanket in knowing that if everybody there dies - the people he loves, the people he cares about - they're not his people. It's... callous, but he's already killed so many others, severed their ties to consciousness with each stab or cut of his blade, each spell flung from his wrist, that it's hard for him to feel the same pressure he did when people only knew him as Owain.
So he bites down on those platitudes, the "i understand"s and the "i'm sorry"s, disgusting and empty things that swell up in him like a riptide. He focuses on Magnus as just the man he is - too young to feel what he feels, too small for such big things. There's danger in being fragile, and while Magnus isn't so brittle to fall for those traps, Odin thinks he's something close to it. Magnus is too gentle to be like broken glass, but too strong to be fully whole - there are cracks in him, Odin thinks, and they don't need to be filled, necessarily, but they need to be observed. Odin wants to handle Magnus with the care and the respect he deserves, and if all he can do is tell him "please, fucking lean on me, you're my family, I want someone so bright and so radiant and so caring as you to shine with more than just your brilliance, I want you to shine with joy", then that's what he'll do. ]
Take your time. Don't force these things. You don't need to be in any rush to... notice, or to get better, or-- or reach whatever goal it is you settle on, whatever it is you decide to do to help yourself be more comfortable. There's nothing to suggest you won't have years to spend with me, and with the Alex you know here, and with all the other people who love you. If you want to notice, you will, with time. I'll help you. Everyone'll help you, honestly. I think all your friends want of you is your happiness.
But - yeah. You would've liked her. My mom. She was a lot like you, I think. Not just-- the healing, but-- her soul? She inspired hope in people, made them want to be better. I think you're like that. To me, you are, in any case.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ he takes his sword out and holds it up to Magnus. ]
Accept that I love you and that you've done nothing wrong and that I've done something wrong or I won't let you leave here in one piece!
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[after a moment, he sticks the phone back in his hoodie pocket, goes back to fixing his tent and surveying the damage]
Yeah, I genuinely thought you were talking about a grudge match. Like with your wrestling character -- what's his name again? The Big Cock?
[there's a 99.9% chance Magnus knows it's not The Big Cock]
-- You didn't need to feel weird about, uh, your... magic carpet ride.
[he's flush again, and this time it's not because he wants to give Odin a wedgie. this is why he hung up instead of calling back but here we are!]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Magnus.
[ he steps forward, raising his arms, but then just stops dead in his tracs. this is normally where he would dive on Magnus for a hug, but he just stops and grips his sword instead. he's been getting the impression that Magnus is a private dude, finally, somehow, somehow he's gotten that impression, finally, somehow, somehow, finally, and the last thing he wants to do is make him uncomfortable by hugging him without permission. ... especially as he's already making him uncomfortable about something else. ]
I'm gonna hug the air and you can pretend that I'm hugging you, okay? Unless you don't want to do that. Then you can pretend I'm hugging a cool celebrity who wants me to be their best friend.
[ he hugs the air. ]
My wrestling character is in fact called The Big Cock.
[ it isn't. he keeps hugging the air. ]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[Magnus and Sam do air hugs because of Sam's boundaries with touch, but it incidentally works out for Magnus, to have a best friend who doesn't expect touch from him as a matter of course. Odin touches everyone, and the fact that he isn't right now -- says a lot. it also makes Magnus think, it's not all about his own boundaries]
[this is probably not the desired result, but Magnus tends towards emotional honesty when he can muster it over his walls;]
...Sorry I keep think you getting personal isn't okay. That's kind of weird of me? And me pushing my stuff on you, I think. [pause] This isn't an apology for an apology, I promise. I just mean, I should have gotten the joke, because you're you. You wouldn't mind if I did ask a personal question, 'cuz you're an open guy, like that. I like that about you.
[a pause]
Thanks for the air hug. You didn't mess up. Aside from you fucking up our tent, which by the way, is going to result in Alex coming for you like a heat-seeking missile.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
No, it's-- first, I'm sorry for overreacting. Again. In this specific instance, but also in all of the other ones? The other instances. The other over-reacty instances. The ones that have happened literally every time we've interacted, ever, as people. As human beings.
[ he nods. yeah. nailed it. ]
Second - I just want to do right by you. Your boundaries are important to me, as is "your stuff", whatever that might be. It's okay to tell me if I'm being too personal, or if whatever I'm doing isn't okay, I'm just-- clumsy? I need help finding the right footing, sometimes, and I panic and throw stupid tantrums when I'm worried or scared of something, and if I'm not specifically told something like "hey, Odin, maybe don't swing your sword in the air and ruin my house" I'll end up doing exactly that. Because I don't have any common sense, really? But I-- I hope I've been improving. In how to deal with you. I hope I'm becoming a better friend. Despite all the-- um. The-- Alex-provoking tent ruination. And the too much talking? Yeah.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Hey, Odin, maybe don't swing your sword in the air and ruin my house.
[looks at his tent]
Ah. Hm.
[his mouth quirks in a small smile; Odin is becoming a better friend, improving. Magnus hopes he's improving too, stepping more outside of his comfort zone]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ he leans on his sword like it's a cane, crossing his ankle behind his other leg and just kinda staring at the tent. ]
You could stay w-- [ nope. nope. not going to offer to let magnus and alex stay in his house. he already knows that's a firm, firm rejection just waiting to be thrown at him with the most derisive derision possible. ]
You could stay with Peter, probably.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[now that his anger's passed, Magnus seems relatively unconcerned. Magnus and Alex are transients, and they've been transients for a while. a few nights spent elsewhere isn't much to be concerned over, in the long run, even if it is an annoyance in the short term. it'd be a different story if Odin lit their soon-to-be-constructed treehouse on fire, or a place that was more long term]
Help me clean this up and get our stuff out of here first, though. -- What's with that sword, by the way? You changing classes from mage?
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
he does as he's asked, though, leaping to Magnus's side and helping him collect pieces of tent, pointedly refusing to acknowledge Jack who still hurt him by not choosing love over loyalty. he gets it, though. ]
Um, more like changing back? When I was a kid, and the-- the world ended, I fought with a sword, like my dad. He taught me everything he knew. I changed to a more fabulous magery proficiency to express myself in a more shadowy and stylish way, and also because my mom used to heal people and I wanted to be like that. I'm-- not good at healing, though. I could never do it like she could. So. Yeah. Destructive magic, instead. At least that's some kind of tie to her.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[he cocks his head, as he carefully checks for harm and sections off Alex's clothes from -- well, Odin -- listening to his friend talk. the sword thing reminds him of his own dad, a little (who's apparently one of the best swordsmen in the pantheon, even though he's a god of peace -- he was still Norse, after all), but his eyebrows crease at the second part. he never knew Odin wanted to heal, and for such a personal reason]
[Magnus can definitely relate to wanting to feel close to a mother that's been ripped out of one's life, so his response is a careful;]
How does healing work in your world? ...Maybe I could help you?
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ he's stumbling through words, now, not really making a lot of sense because he was kind of thrown by the offer of help. he's not sure if he wants to take it, or not, so he just focuses on picking up tent scraps and quickly changes topic. ]
What kind of healing stuff can you do, exactly?
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Um. My healing powers are from Frey, so they technically come from summer and the sun and like, life growth and nature? No staves. So, I heal and come back from the dead quickly. I'm much better at healing other people than myself for bigger stuff, though, it's a concentration thing.
[another sweater]
I can heal people physically and also, like, I guess emotionally and mentally? On a kind of crisis basis. I can keep people from having panic attacks or mental breakdowns or rage-outs or help with insomnia, that kind of thing. I've been healing a lot of that kind of stuff lately.
[what with the House; what with every imPort being mildly to severely traumatized]
I'm still learning. But I'm -- it's something I'm getting pretty good at. So I wouldn't mind helping you.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ Odin drops all his tent pieces. he frowns, putting his hands on his hips, staring at Magnus dead in the eye. as always, there's that ominous beat of anticipation where it looks like his mind is coming up with a thousand different ways to talk about the sun and summer and how beautiful magnus is or whatever the fuck, but then he's got his arms over his chest, then back on his hips, then his chest again, like he's struggling to say whatever it is he wants to say. eventually he settles on-- ]
Doesn't that take a lot out of you? I'm-- good at listening to people. Contrary to popular belief. And it's hard, sometimes, hearing about the people I love going through some of the things they've been through. Having a raw connection to their emotional state, or-- or being there for them when they're doing, like, really poorly? That seems-- stressful. To me. And-- you're doing it a lot... even though you have all this stuff in your own life to focus on, like-- like Alex, and building your own place, and-- hey. Hey.
[ he points his sword at magnus again. vaguely threateningly, but his face has so much concern in it that it just looks weird. ]
Are you carrying all of that weight okay? I totally take back anything I said about checking in on Archie.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[weight isn't something Magnus thinks about; it'd bowed his shoulders in life from a very young age, and it's 9 whole realms heavy in death. Magnus Chase can always take more weight, and he doesn't seem to know his limits. it's never stopped him, but then, he'd also died young]
[he looks with some wry amusement at the bodily action that Odin finally appears to settle on, which is of course extending his rainbow sword, and then turns to make a nice neat stack of the clothes he's folded. he's methodical about it, calm]
I'm fine. [he'd leave it at that, because talking about his own burdens and emotions is the place his emotional aptitude fails him. (he can't concentrate, on healing himself.) but he realises that's probably not sufficient] I'm used to it. Having a lot of -- [he waves a hand in the air, an ambiguous gesture meaning precisely nothing] -- stuff. That's how life is. Afterlife, whatever.
[life is weight; life is trauma, and pain, and people you love at the mercy of powers beyond your ability to combat. life is losing your family, life is dying at sixteen, hungry and tired and furious. life is hard, hard enough, for everyone, not just him. he doesn't think Odin, who's had an equally rough go of it, will disagree]
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
But--
[ Odin huffs, suddenly rather frustrated. Granted, he understands what Magnus is trying to say on a very basic, fundamental level - he knows what it's like to just deal with the things expected of him, the pressures he had to find a way to thrive under. He's been a prince of a dying world, a soldier of a war-hungry nation, a "hero of time", and he spent the better part of his life learning not to buckle under all of that - but if any of those experiences taught him something, it was that when he was worried someone had too much weight on their shoulders, he had to take it Very Fucking Seriously. Given how he... handled things when he was Magnus's age, back when he longed to die and thoughts he didn't deserve the blood in his veins filling his head and completely shaping who he is as a person even now, it's hard for Odin to just accept "that's how life is" as an answer. He gets that the kid is stronger than him, he gets what it's like not to focus on yourself when you need to, but-- ]
I just don't want you burning out? I don't want you burning out. I don't want to contribute to you burning out. [ he focuses on the tent scraps again, picking them up with a kind of focused, concentrated bitterness so as not to send this rising, overly-personal and vaguely insulting panic at magnus's way. ] I guess that kind of sentiment would be more meaningful if I hadn't sicced Archie on you. Or destroyed your tent. Or if I would stop constantly panicking at you about one thing or another, but. If things ever change, I'm here to talk. I guess. I dunno. Sorry.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
Helping people in that way... is exhausting. [it's an admission; unknown to most of his "patients," he spends long hours napping after they leave (in turn unknown to him, Alex hovering outside the tent)] I'm still learning how to do it properly. But I want to, because it feels like the right thing to do. Or at least a good thing, to do, if I can. I've been -- [that's a carefully constructed sentence. Magnus tries again] -- that is, I still... get panic attacks sometimes. Not as much as I used to. So, I don't want other people to have to go through that kind of stuff, if I can help them though it, a little. I dunno.
[he makes a face after he's said all this, like he has no idea what he's produced, if it makes sense. his own feelings are vaguely unintelligible, vaguely incommunicable. he concludes, with an easy shrug]
If I start to feel burnt out... [a pause] I'll spend time with Alex, or you, or my friends. That's what recharges me.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[ He's quiet, going through everything he's saying with a kind of rehearsed, methodical precision. this is something he's told himself time and time again, so it comes easy to him, as does the quiet acknowledgment of knowing how much panic attacks fucking suck to deal with. magnus has probably had more than one text from him in the late hours of the morning after he'd had a particularly bad night and needed a shoulder to lean on. ]
Unnecessary lecture regarding things you probably already understand is over. You can spend time with me whenever you want, obviously, if that's what you like doing. For whatever fucking garbage reason in that messed up zombie head of yours.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
[for all his maturity and empathy, for all the repetitive numbness of everyday atrocity he's seen in his friends (whether in Valhalla or the mortal world), Magnus doesn't know what it's like, to be outside of that pain. Odin speaks about his mother in the same bittersweet way Magnus thinks about his own; as someone who stopped taking care of herself to take care of others. in his case, just one other, in particular, which lead directly to -- well. he appreciates Odin's sharing his painful past with him, like he usually does]
[also like usual, he isn't really ready to talk about that, yet, to focus on his own suffering (it took him two full years to properly mourn his mother, the first time. he doesn't know how long it might take, to mourn himself)]
I...
[continue to be bad at expressing myself. Magnus visibly struggles, like he's forgotten the mechanics of speech. eventually]
I had to not notice. To survive. I still... [his eyebrows screw up, and his mouth thins. he amends whatever he was about to say, words stilted and fragmented like split stone, instead of the smooth, slow, cynic tones of a boy who's always quick on his feet to accept and adapt] This is, a weird, break. This place. I'm going back to a -- lot of, pressure... I can't focus on that stuff, yet. [...] So I'll try to learn to notice again, here. While I can. With help.
[he can't do it -- can't do much of anything, apart from fall into an empty stasis -- alone]
I'm sorry about your mom. She sounds like she was a good one, though.
Re: actION MOTHERFUCKER
His own world is already gone. Anything that happens to Nohr has already happened to Ylisse, the version of it he grew up in, where his mother's royal blood stained the dirt of her homeland red and where his father's hands shook and slowed as the arrow that shot through his back brought his heart to a stop. He's through the window of someone else's world, back home, and there's a surreal safety blanket in knowing that if everybody there dies - the people he loves, the people he cares about - they're not his people. It's... callous, but he's already killed so many others, severed their ties to consciousness with each stab or cut of his blade, each spell flung from his wrist, that it's hard for him to feel the same pressure he did when people only knew him as Owain.
So he bites down on those platitudes, the "i understand"s and the "i'm sorry"s, disgusting and empty things that swell up in him like a riptide. He focuses on Magnus as just the man he is - too young to feel what he feels, too small for such big things. There's danger in being fragile, and while Magnus isn't so brittle to fall for those traps, Odin thinks he's something close to it. Magnus is too gentle to be like broken glass, but too strong to be fully whole - there are cracks in him, Odin thinks, and they don't need to be filled, necessarily, but they need to be observed. Odin wants to handle Magnus with the care and the respect he deserves, and if all he can do is tell him "please, fucking lean on me, you're my family, I want someone so bright and so radiant and so caring as you to shine with more than just your brilliance, I want you to shine with joy", then that's what he'll do. ]
Take your time. Don't force these things. You don't need to be in any rush to... notice, or to get better, or-- or reach whatever goal it is you settle on, whatever it is you decide to do to help yourself be more comfortable. There's nothing to suggest you won't have years to spend with me, and with the Alex you know here, and with all the other people who love you. If you want to notice, you will, with time. I'll help you. Everyone'll help you, honestly. I think all your friends want of you is your happiness.
But - yeah. You would've liked her. My mom. She was a lot like you, I think. Not just-- the healing, but-- her soul? She inspired hope in people, made them want to be better. I think you're like that. To me, you are, in any case.