Hahaha. Magnus "Sweet Summer Child" Chase. What a naive and delusional boy you are. I love you so much, just as a human being.
Yeah, I'm okay. I feel like I've kind of harassed you about my feelings enough in the past, though, and given my behavior over the past couple of days, I think it would be pretty inappropriate of me to take advantage of your kind ear right now. You should be pissed at me, not asking me questions like that. Thanks, though.
dude there isn't like a quota on that stuff. like you can only tell me five feelings a day and any more than that and you get friend fired. that's stupid, don't assume that of me.
Oh, Magnus. You majestic flaxen-haired mountain ox. So strong, so gold. I know you're not limited by some imaginary capacity of affection when it comes to your friends. I know that when I worry about being annoying, or about being a burden, I'm just valuing my self-pity over our relationship and (insultingly) assuming you need to have a break from me for your own self-preservation. But I am tired and feel like shit for basically everything I've done over the past week and I don't really have the energy to move past this whole self-inflicted martyr shtick I've got going on.
it's ok if you're tired and don't want to talk about it. as long as that's the main reason. you don't need to feel like shit. i just have a lot of stuff to work out, and i'd rather do it on my own with alex.
archie told me that the house was full of fucked up illusion magic, basically. [...] and about what scared you. he was just worried about you.
Thus the cake. And the apology. And the magic, which I've since learned made things an unpleasant experience. I will make a non-magical apology apology cake. An apology cake for the apology cake. Apology cake.
Me and Archie had an okay time at first. Solving puzzles and fighting monsters and stuff. But there was this one room that was filled with the undead. They weren't exactly the same as the kind that killed my parents, but they were close. When I killed them, it was sloppy, made the room smell acrid and blurred what little focus I had. Archie died the same way my mom did. He was focused on someone who was too weak to defend themselves or understand what was going on - in this case, me - and one of risen who looked like my dad bit him. Another tore his throat apart. I think that one was supposed to be my mom, but I don't know, I tried not to look. It had blonde hair just like she did. He was relying on me to protect him, because I had experience fighting these things - worse versions of these things, actually - and he could barely hold the bat in his hand. I had time to save him and stop him from getting hurt, but I just shook, made things worse, grabbed his hand and inevitably stopped running with him and let him go so that he could stay in the crowd when I couldn't do it anymore. [ left him to the wolves, so to speak, ha ha ] He turned into one of them and attacked me. I've had over ten years to stop being a coward over them. I was. I don't know why I'm not, now.
And now he's checking in on me and asking if I'm okay, and so are you, even though he's the one who died and I'm the one who let it happen. I get why you're doing it, because you're my friends, and I'm not the most emotionally stable guy around, so of course you wanna check in. But I sort of wish I could just be left alone to rot with it. Beat myself up until I'm better. Even though everything I just talked about was pretty damn fucked up, Archie needs so much more care than I do right now. I can get over this, but I don't know him well enough to know if he'll be able to or not.
[Magnus isn't deterred by the ringing, ringing, ringing, and is rewarded with the glum greeting]
-- I don't either. Give it up, already, and just call me when you're having a bad time.
[a pause, as Magnus gets his thoughts in order. finally;]
I'm afraid all the time. Things -- happened, and now I can't turn that part of me off. The part that's afraid, and weak. So I don't like being touched. So sometimes I can't think of what to do, or how to talk, or be around people.
[...]
But some days I'm not as afraid. I don't really think there'll be a day when I'm not afraid at all, but when I'm with people I love a lot, I feel close to it.
[...]
None of that shit in the house happened, Odin. It was illusions based around the theme of "bad shit that happened to you already." How you reacted doesn't say anything about you, because it wasn't real. It's stuff in your past, that just... feels real, still. But you're already walking forward. Archie's alive. You're alive. You have more chances, tons of them, to have days where you're less scared.
I don't think I knew any of that about you. You know so much about me, yet I don't think I knew that.
[ there's a bit of quiet before Odin tries to talk again, so focused as he is on, for fucking once, expressing himself in a way that just makes sense to Magnus. ]
I'm gonna try to be better to you. More respectful. I haven't been, I don't think, not since the start. I've been excited to know you since the first time you spoke to me, and that feeling has only grown since I've learned more about you and seen the kind of heart you have. I want to treat you like a human being instead of as some kid I valiantly try to protect, or some hero I admire and want to be like, or some stand-in for my Lord back home. I've always loved you as Magnus, the cool friend I have who plays along with my shit, but I want to love you as Magnus, the boy who means the world to me. Real family. Not just - a title I give to you because I'm excited just to be a part of your life. I want it to be real.
Sorry - that's a bit off topic? I don't know. I don't think you're weak, though. Even if you think there's a part of you that is, I think that's just - a vulnerability. Damage. There's no part of you that needs to be handled with kid gloves, or with delicacy, and that's what weakness is. You're more than that.
[ he mumbles something a little awkward under his breath - a quick apology about how maybe he's saying too much, or assuming too much about Magnus, or claiming to understand him more than he does. for once, he doesn't dwell on it or make it the focus of what he's trying to say. ]
Ah, but - like I said, I'll get over the house. I know it was all an illusion, and I know I'll get through it. I'm tougher than I act, you know. It's just... Archie, I'm worried about him. He always looks so tired, and the way he looked when he died - scared, confused, like he didn't understand why I couldn't save him. I don't know how he's going to cope with the thought of me abandoning him, if he thinks that that's what I did, but I think he's such a freshly wounded person that me going up to him and saying "hey, I didn't abandon you, sorry if you thought I did" is just going to fall on incredibly deaf ears. I'm going to spend more time with him, when I can, so he knows that I never tried to hurt him on purpose, and I'm going to be there when he inevitably confronts me about how I failed to protect him, but -- I don't know.
Just. We spend so much time together during the night, because he's already awake on the nights my insomnia gets to me. I have insomnia primarily because I have anxiety issues, and I freak out over little things, but him - I don't know. I think he's weighed down by something far worse, and he can't ever sleep because it's such a constant, heavy pull in the back of his mind. He works so many jobs, and I'm sure that's to keep his mind off of things. He's spent so much time taking care of me, even when I didn't need it, and I think it's because he treats me as something he can help or fix because his own life is such a mess. And-- god.
I just don't know what to do about it, I guess. About him.
[Magnus listens as Odin gets a lot off of his meshed chest, laying down in the grass. it's a little cool out today, but he doesn't notice; takes comfort and strength, as he does in a very real way, from the nature around him]
[he smiles, hearing Odin work through their own relationship. it's not just on Odin, that Odin hasn't really learned too much about him, Magnus thinks. for somebody as empathetic as he is, he's -- bad at expressing himself, when it comes to himself. who heals the healer, etc. maybe Odin hasn't seen him, but Magnus hasn't shown himself, either]
[the problem Odin's concerned most about isn't one he's unsympathetic to; the feeling of being unable to save someone you love is, quite possibly, the very worst Magnus has ever experienced. even if it was just an illusion, it's a lot to go through]
...Archie's someone I can't be unbiased about. There's just some stuff in our pasts that kind of, um, conflicts, in a bad way, for both of us. I don't mind talking about him, I like Archie, but -- you should know that.
[that being said]
If you want to keep being his friend, you have to let him fight his battle. You can support him, obviously, but what he's dealing with is huge, and it's his, and it's never going away. Some people can't be around other people in pain like that, and that's -- fine. Nobody really owes anything to each other, I think. Sometimes you need to decide what's good for you, so you can survive.
[...]
I'd give him some space. But then I'd talk with him about the house, when you've both had a little distance from the illusions. You need to both get back into reality or you'll keep going in circles. I think you already know all this, or I wouldn't say it.
[ Odin laughs when Magnus calls himself biased against Archie - it's a warm and clear sound, like a bell, like Lissa's laugh, and maybe he shouldn't be so amused when he's going through some pretty dark worries, but. Magnus is sweet. Odin likes him. ]
I'm not opening up to you because I want you to be unbiased, Magnus. I'm opening up to you because I trust you, and I trust your advice. If part of that is condemning him for the things he's done, I mean - so be it. My relationship with him isn't going to be influenced by any thoughts other than my own, but that doesn't mean your feelings can't help me find mine.
[ that being said. ]
I don't know if what he's dealing with is just - [ he hesitates, unsure just how much Magnus knows about Archie. It's... pretty god damn obvious he knows enough, but it's not Odin's place to openly confess Archie's sins for him. ]
I don't know if what he's dealing with is just based on what happened in his homeworld. He's been here for a long, long time. I don't know what other ways he might have been hurt in the eight or so months he's been stuck here, and I don't know if this is going to be some kind of final straw for his sanity. I get that I might be overthinking things, but I'm - responsible.
I won't ask you to keep an eye on him, if it makes you uncomfortable. Like you said, you can like him without being obligated to do more. Just, you know, if he needs space, I don't want him to be alone. I'll ask someone else. [ he sighs. ]
It's hard taking care of people, sometimes. I never know if I'm doing okay or not.
[Magnus is quiet for a few moments, before he reminds Odin]
It won't get to some dramatic final straw if I'm around. If it seems like he's getting there, of course I'll help him. That doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's the thing I can do, so.
[so he'll do it. adjusting to life as Magnus Chase, viking paramedic slash mental crisis hotline, has been a little strange, but. when it came down to it, he's not sure he could turn anybody away, if they were hurting, if they were breaking]
I think somebody trying to take care of anybody else at all is special. It matters that you're trying. You're not always going to be brave or doing a good job or whatever. [...] And you're only going to find out what's up with him if he tells you. You're not responsible, the shitty fucked up house is. Just be his friend, not his hero.
[ he just wanted to give Magnus an out, man. he lets it go, though - if he's willing to help, that's all Odin needs. ]
I keep forgetting how young you are. You're so much more mature than I was at your age, even after all the things I had been through by then. You've got an old soul, Magnus Chase.
[ but - still, this is a lot. he's not going to apologize for all this weight he and archie have put on magnus's shoulders, because - well, honestly, it's because he doesn't want to be sassed about how magnus can totally handle it and how wow don't assume i can't handle things ODIN don't think so little of me ODIN as has become the running theme, but. he feels bad enough that he's gonna try to change the subject. there's not much more he can say here, anyway, other than a long spiel about how grateful he is for magnus grounding him and other shit that magnus is probably tired of hearing by now. ]
How did you and Peter meet? I've been spending a bit of time with him, since that imPress profile you both made for me. He's a funny guy. Funnier than me, which means I'll have to eat his liver one day to gain his powers, but so be it. Life is nothing without roadbumps to eat the livers of.
[Odin should be starting to learn that despite often complaining he'd like an out, Magnus rarely takes the out. proving this, he could move right on to cracking jokes about Peter, but he doesn't. Odin wants to respect and know him; Magnus is going to give him the benefit of the doubt, and be realer]
I was raised to be independent, and then I was homeless and taking care of myself by thirteen, and then I was dead on my sixteenth birthday and stressing about the end of the world. It sort of speeds up the maturing process.
[his soul might have started out a little old -- he's always been a 90's grunge band nerd -- but it got a lot older, through all the things that happened to him. he's omitted a big one, but baby steps]
Peter and I met at his dad's BBQ the second week or so I got here. We didn't start hanging out until after we had a bunch of fights on the internet about candy corn and started working on this truck my friend and I crashed, though. His liver probably tastes like pizza.
[ a small part of Odin feels like he could start a pissing contest here - i was raised to be fourth in line to the throne for the biggest and most powerful nation in my homeland, got everyone I love killed and proceeded to watch zombies tear apart my family and my people by the time I was, like, thirteen would be a pretty good way to show that he has no excuse for being so much more immature than Magnus is even now, but. Overwhelmingly, he just feels a lightness in his heart that drives every other thought from his head. He's just happy he's being opened up to. ]
Being homeless isn't fun. I'd forgotten what it was like, as an adult, when I'd started to take for granted the castle that housed me. But I know what it's like. And the end of the world thing. It's a lot for you to have gone through and I know you don't need my pity, or my sympathy, but I hope it's okay for me to say that I think you're too good a person to have gone through half the things you've been through.
Can't say I know what it's like to be dead at sixteen, though.
[ baby steps are fine. odin just hopes he's not going to fuck up and scare the guy off from talking to him like this again one day. ]
I had no idea his dad was here. [ bites back a comment about wondering if he'll ever see his own again. ] I imagine there isn't a part of him that doesn't taste like pizza. His liver. His soul. He does deliveries, yeah? I think it's appropriate. He just kinda feels like a pizza, in his, like. Aura. You know? Like how I feel like a raven, or something majestic like that. He just screams "my spirit is that of a pizza's". Probably with pineapple on it, the heathen.
[Magnus, for once, doesn't know how to take Odin's sincere response; he's mostly depressingly aware of how often bad things happen to good people, since that describes nearly everyone he knew while he was homeless, his entire current friend group back in Asgard and Midgard, and most of the undead warriors he knows, if not all of them. it's hard to get starry-eyed, as a dead Norse demigod; good people, heroes, died. that's how you met them in the first place]
[so he mumbles something indeterminate, frankly -- showcasing the degree of difference in his saga-hero eloquence when it's About Him versus About Literally Anything Else]
Um. Dying sucked. Being dead's okay, apart from the constantly dying, and Ragnarok, really. It's kind of better than being alive was, which is a depressing thing I don't usually tell people? Um.
I like pineapple pizza but I also do count as a heathen. Like textbook heathen.
[ Odin, of course, being Odin, interprets Magnus's indeterminate mumbling as him feeling uncomfortable and Odin just Fucking Everything Up again. it hurts, a little, but not really as much as it used to? he's kind of getting used to feeling like this around Magnus, so THAT'S cool. when he's up tonight reflecting on this like he always does with conversations that he thinks he could have handled better, he'll be able to piece together what was actually going through magnus's head just now, but as it is he just stumbles a bit. ]
I, uh - I don't think that's depressing. I think there's something warm about that, actually. You had a really hard time when you were alive, but when it came to an end, you managed to find some... I dunno. Peace? Relative peace, at least. Everything I know about your afterlife is like-- I mean, it hasn't ever exactly sounded peaceful, but it's-- do you know what I mean? I think it's nice that you came out of things with, like, a home, or-- gods, nevermind.
[ blalgm. blahalgabalahb. he's tired he'll just talk about pizza ]
I can forgive a lot of things, but I can't forgive that.
[this, at least, he can speak about with some certainty (because it's not really, wholly, about him);]
No, you're right. That's how I feel. Valhalla isn't really a home -- it's a hotel, it's temporary, until Ragnarok -- but I got there and I wasn't alone anymore. I have a family there. So as another place that isn't really a home, it's better.
[Magnus isn't very upfront about his timeline, even though it often seems like he is; he paints in two colours, "alive/alone" and "dead/family." but he's been to school, he's had normal experiences; they just come up a lot more infrequently, and rarely does anyone point out the contradictions]
Mortals don't usually understand that, though. It's nice that you do.
[a soft huff of air]
Even if you're completely wrong in your pizza-opinions, I mean.
I'm a pretty understanding guy, dude! It's hard to tell under all the poor planning and skeleton talk, but it's true. As far as I'm concerned - you went somewhere better than wherever you were. The circumstances behind why don't matter so much, so long as you're happier there. That's what I think, at least.
[ given the contradictions in the stories he tells about his own past, odin's in no place to comment on magnus's, let alone notice them in the first place. besides, he's a simple guy. despite the nerves and the anxiety and the sadness at confronting the fact that magnus was alone and went through A Lot when he was young, odin knows just how happy he is now, and learning that things are okay for magnus back home as well despite it all is just... worth it. ]
Thanks for opening up to me. [ those words are quick and rushed out, smoothed over a second later just in case he shouldn't have said them. ] Pizza comment discarded into the trash, though. With the pizza itself. We should ask Peter to tiebreak this, one day. Except we shouldn't, because if he sides with you I'm going to burn my bridges to this family and go brother-adopt, like, Alex or something.
[Odin gets a hum of agreement -- he is happier, an acknowledgement of Odin's own acknowledging of his Trying, and there isn't much more he feels he needs to say -- followed by a snort]
Um, he's still pretty annoyed about the -- [GROSS INVASION INTO OUR PERSONAL LIFE] uh, fuss, about -- yeah. [BONING. which isn't even happening? mostly because Magnus is damaged and inexperienced and so they're taking it incredibly slow? not that he's sharing any of that with literally anyone, because there was opening up about being an idiot teen corpse and there was opening up about, you know, stuff that mattered (yikes)] I'd maybe just get a cool fish, if it comes to that, dude.
Yeah, I kind of figured he wasn't gonna let that go any time soon. Not that I blame him. He was really cute the last time I talked to him about you, though, which at least semi-sort of indicates that he doesn't entirely hate me, and-- actually, you know what? Nevermind. Not really appropriate for me to talk about him behind his back. Your relationship and its various varying cuteness variables are none of my business.
[ odin said that something about magnus is none of his business, so that's a cool first that heralds the end of times. He does whisper something to himself that sounds suspiciously like holy shit, a cool fish? i could turn my whole bedroom into an aquarium for a whale, so that's something to worry about, but he presses on to the more serious conversation before he gets a chance to dwell on the thought. good. probably forgotten it already. ]
Uh, honest answer? No. As comforted as I am by you hearing me out and promising to step in where you can, I fucked up big and it's my responsibility to make things okay again. I won't feel better until I can do that. [ he pauses, mulling this next thought over in his head before he refines it enough to put words to it. ] I think I'll feel better when he talks to me honestly about how he's feeling. If I could force people to be honest with me - which I could, technically, with magic, if I lacked all these pesky morals - things would be easier, but. You know. I can't even get most people to be honest with me when we're getting along, let alone after I've let them die.
[there's a short, consternated silence from Magnus before;]
They're my business. The varying variables of cuteness. Um, put that thought on hold for a second, though? 'Cuz the other stuff you said is more important.
[and this is why it's taken him so long to get a boyfriend -- damn, shit always just kept coming up, didn't it?]
[and Magnus' voice is stronger, firmer; for once, you could almost believe he's the son of the Lord of Lords, with how certain it is]
You didn't let him die. You weren't fighting real things. Illusions can do whatever, every gods damned giant in Jotunheim pulls that shit. I'm not hanging up until you say that to me. That you didn't let him die. He's alive, and that stuff wasn't real. Even if you had saved him, you could have been deluded into thinking you didn't.
[ he holds on, as ordered. he's only half-listening to Magnus's stern but kind of necessary advice, primarily because he's dwelling on not cutting off his stupid fucking motormouth before bringing up alex. whatever. thankfully, he thinks every word from magnus chase is a precious treasure and pays enough attention to treat them as such, and he nods along on the other side of the phone call, that red prickly shame that comes with getting advice, however innocuous, creeping up his neck again. ]
Well, joke's on you, because you're my friend and I don't want you to hang up on me because I like talking to my friends. [ he pauses. ] But - look I get it, I do. This one time, back in Nohr, this guy enchanted a bunch of villagers to look like these monsters we called Faceless, and we cut them down without knowing we were killing innocent people. I know how illusions work and I know how to compartmentalize my guilt when they fuck me over.
But - the core of all of this is that Archie trusted me and I didn't save him. Whether it was possible for me to save him or not, the fact is, I didn't do it. Maybe it was always going to be that way because we were stuck in a fucking house with a bullshit puppetmaster playing with us for three days, I don't know, but it's how it happened. And, like. I'm really not worried about myself, or my guilt, or about anything like that. I'm a soldier, I was killing bandits for coin when I was fourteen, I can deal with seeing death, however real or fake it may be. I can move past it. I just want him to be okay. It doesn't matter how fake or temporary his death might have been, it doesn't matter if what we experienced in there "doesn't count" because we all walked out of it okay, it just-- it shouldn't have happened. That's all.
[Magnus frowns, and frowns more, as Odin makes clear in no uncertain terms how much trauma and death has impacted his life, shaped him into -- frankly -- someone Magnus understands as being composed almost entirely of the same live-wire, exposed nerves of many of the warriors in Valhalla. in every way he's talked about letting Archie down, Magnus sees how much every failure weighs on him, even if he says he's "moving past it." every step is a struggle, Magnus knows, and he just doesn't see this thing that happened in the house as remotely connecting to that realer one, that he'd be returning to]
[but Archie's not from a place like they are. even if he almost brought the end of the world, he didn't; he didn't get eaten, hasn't died, hasn't watched his friends and family get slaughtered. if Odin has a point Magnus must concede, it's that Archie will need looking after -- and if looking after Archie would help Odin put another foot forward, so be it]
I'm not saying he isn't gonna be fucked up. [from the consequences of his own actions, he thinks a little bitterly, but doesn't say. he's still actually alive, he also thinks, with some resentment, which he doesn't like in himself. he'd said it upfront: he can't be unbiased, about Archie] I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe just... if you're going to look after him, I hope it's not because you're trying to undo something that never happened. Or getting caught up in stuff you've moved forward from, giving those illusions the time of day. It's a waste of time to talk about anything except what's real, I think.
[he exhales, messy]
I think that's all I want to say about that, for now. Um. Yeah.
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uh also. are you ok, odin? archie told me about the house.
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What a naive and delusional boy you are. I love you so much, just as a human being.
Yeah, I'm okay.
I feel like I've kind of harassed you about my feelings enough in the past, though, and given my behavior over the past couple of days, I think it would be pretty inappropriate of me to take advantage of your kind ear right now.
You should be pissed at me, not asking me questions like that.
Thanks, though.
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dude there isn't like a quota on that stuff. like you can only tell me five feelings a day and any more than that and you get friend fired. that's stupid, don't assume that of me.
and it's not inappropriate if i say it isn't, so.
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I know you're not limited by some imaginary capacity of affection when it comes to your friends.
I know that when I worry about being annoying, or about being a burden, I'm just valuing my self-pity over our relationship and (insultingly) assuming you need to have a break from me for your own self-preservation.
But I am tired and feel like shit for basically everything I've done over the past week and I don't really have the energy to move past this whole self-inflicted martyr shtick I've got going on.
What'd Archie tell you, exactly?
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archie told me that the house was full of fucked up illusion magic, basically. [...] and about what scared you. he was just worried about you.
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And the magic, which I've since learned made things an unpleasant experience.
I will make a non-magical apology apology cake. An apology cake for the apology cake.
Apology cake.
Me and Archie had an okay time at first. Solving puzzles and fighting monsters and stuff.
But there was this one room that was filled with the undead. They weren't exactly the same as the kind that killed my parents, but they were close.
When I killed them, it was sloppy, made the room smell acrid and blurred what little focus I had.
Archie died the same way my mom did. He was focused on someone who was too weak to defend themselves or understand what was going on - in this case, me - and one of risen who looked like my dad bit him. Another tore his throat apart. I think that one was supposed to be my mom, but I don't know, I tried not to look. It had blonde hair just like she did.
He was relying on me to protect him, because I had experience fighting these things - worse versions of these things, actually - and he could barely hold the bat in his hand.
I had time to save him and stop him from getting hurt, but I just shook, made things worse, grabbed his hand and inevitably stopped running with him and let him go so that he could stay in the crowd when I couldn't do it anymore. [ left him to the wolves, so to speak, ha ha ]
He turned into one of them and attacked me.
I've had over ten years to stop being a coward over them. I was. I don't know why I'm not, now.
And now he's checking in on me and asking if I'm okay, and so are you, even though he's the one who died and I'm the one who let it happen.
I get why you're doing it, because you're my friends, and I'm not the most emotionally stable guy around, so of course you wanna check in.
But I sort of wish I could just be left alone to rot with it. Beat myself up until I'm better.
Even though everything I just talked about was pretty damn fucked up,
Archie needs so much more care than I do right now.
I can get over this, but I don't know him well enough to know if he'll be able to or not.
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You're so bad at having serious conversations over text. I dunno why I keep trying to pull it off.
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-- I don't either. Give it up, already, and just call me when you're having a bad time.
[a pause, as Magnus gets his thoughts in order. finally;]
I'm afraid all the time. Things -- happened, and now I can't turn that part of me off. The part that's afraid, and weak. So I don't like being touched. So sometimes I can't think of what to do, or how to talk, or be around people.
[...]
But some days I'm not as afraid. I don't really think there'll be a day when I'm not afraid at all, but when I'm with people I love a lot, I feel close to it.
[...]
None of that shit in the house happened, Odin. It was illusions based around the theme of "bad shit that happened to you already." How you reacted doesn't say anything about you, because it wasn't real. It's stuff in your past, that just... feels real, still. But you're already walking forward. Archie's alive. You're alive. You have more chances, tons of them, to have days where you're less scared.
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[ there's a bit of quiet before Odin tries to talk again, so focused as he is on, for fucking once, expressing himself in a way that just makes sense to Magnus. ]
I'm gonna try to be better to you. More respectful. I haven't been, I don't think, not since the start. I've been excited to know you since the first time you spoke to me, and that feeling has only grown since I've learned more about you and seen the kind of heart you have. I want to treat you like a human being instead of as some kid I valiantly try to protect, or some hero I admire and want to be like, or some stand-in for my Lord back home. I've always loved you as Magnus, the cool friend I have who plays along with my shit, but I want to love you as Magnus, the boy who means the world to me. Real family. Not just - a title I give to you because I'm excited just to be a part of your life. I want it to be real.
Sorry - that's a bit off topic? I don't know. I don't think you're weak, though. Even if you think there's a part of you that is, I think that's just - a vulnerability. Damage. There's no part of you that needs to be handled with kid gloves, or with delicacy, and that's what weakness is. You're more than that.
[ he mumbles something a little awkward under his breath - a quick apology about how maybe he's saying too much, or assuming too much about Magnus, or claiming to understand him more than he does. for once, he doesn't dwell on it or make it the focus of what he's trying to say. ]
Ah, but - like I said, I'll get over the house. I know it was all an illusion, and I know I'll get through it. I'm tougher than I act, you know. It's just... Archie, I'm worried about him. He always looks so tired, and the way he looked when he died - scared, confused, like he didn't understand why I couldn't save him. I don't know how he's going to cope with the thought of me abandoning him, if he thinks that that's what I did, but I think he's such a freshly wounded person that me going up to him and saying "hey, I didn't abandon you, sorry if you thought I did" is just going to fall on incredibly deaf ears. I'm going to spend more time with him, when I can, so he knows that I never tried to hurt him on purpose, and I'm going to be there when he inevitably confronts me about how I failed to protect him, but -- I don't know.
Just. We spend so much time together during the night, because he's already awake on the nights my insomnia gets to me. I have insomnia primarily because I have anxiety issues, and I freak out over little things, but him - I don't know. I think he's weighed down by something far worse, and he can't ever sleep because it's such a constant, heavy pull in the back of his mind. He works so many jobs, and I'm sure that's to keep his mind off of things. He's spent so much time taking care of me, even when I didn't need it, and I think it's because he treats me as something he can help or fix because his own life is such a mess. And-- god.
I just don't know what to do about it, I guess. About him.
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[he smiles, hearing Odin work through their own relationship. it's not just on Odin, that Odin hasn't really learned too much about him, Magnus thinks. for somebody as empathetic as he is, he's -- bad at expressing himself, when it comes to himself. who heals the healer, etc. maybe Odin hasn't seen him, but Magnus hasn't shown himself, either]
[the problem Odin's concerned most about isn't one he's unsympathetic to; the feeling of being unable to save someone you love is, quite possibly, the very worst Magnus has ever experienced. even if it was just an illusion, it's a lot to go through]
...Archie's someone I can't be unbiased about. There's just some stuff in our pasts that kind of, um, conflicts, in a bad way, for both of us. I don't mind talking about him, I like Archie, but -- you should know that.
[that being said]
If you want to keep being his friend, you have to let him fight his battle. You can support him, obviously, but what he's dealing with is huge, and it's his, and it's never going away. Some people can't be around other people in pain like that, and that's -- fine. Nobody really owes anything to each other, I think. Sometimes you need to decide what's good for you, so you can survive.
[...]
I'd give him some space. But then I'd talk with him about the house, when you've both had a little distance from the illusions. You need to both get back into reality or you'll keep going in circles. I think you already know all this, or I wouldn't say it.
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I'm not opening up to you because I want you to be unbiased, Magnus. I'm opening up to you because I trust you, and I trust your advice. If part of that is condemning him for the things he's done, I mean - so be it. My relationship with him isn't going to be influenced by any thoughts other than my own, but that doesn't mean your feelings can't help me find mine.
[ that being said. ]
I don't know if what he's dealing with is just - [ he hesitates, unsure just how much Magnus knows about Archie. It's... pretty god damn obvious he knows enough, but it's not Odin's place to openly confess Archie's sins for him. ]
I don't know if what he's dealing with is just based on what happened in his homeworld. He's been here for a long, long time. I don't know what other ways he might have been hurt in the eight or so months he's been stuck here, and I don't know if this is going to be some kind of final straw for his sanity. I get that I might be overthinking things, but I'm - responsible.
I won't ask you to keep an eye on him, if it makes you uncomfortable. Like you said, you can like him without being obligated to do more. Just, you know, if he needs space, I don't want him to be alone. I'll ask someone else. [ he sighs. ]
It's hard taking care of people, sometimes. I never know if I'm doing okay or not.
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It won't get to some dramatic final straw if I'm around. If it seems like he's getting there, of course I'll help him. That doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's the thing I can do, so.
[so he'll do it. adjusting to life as Magnus Chase, viking paramedic slash mental crisis hotline, has been a little strange, but. when it came down to it, he's not sure he could turn anybody away, if they were hurting, if they were breaking]
I think somebody trying to take care of anybody else at all is special. It matters that you're trying. You're not always going to be brave or doing a good job or whatever. [...] And you're only going to find out what's up with him if he tells you. You're not responsible, the shitty fucked up house is. Just be his friend, not his hero.
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I keep forgetting how young you are. You're so much more mature than I was at your age, even after all the things I had been through by then. You've got an old soul, Magnus Chase.
[ but - still, this is a lot. he's not going to apologize for all this weight he and archie have put on magnus's shoulders, because - well, honestly, it's because he doesn't want to be sassed about how magnus can totally handle it and how wow don't assume i can't handle things ODIN don't think so little of me ODIN as has become the running theme, but. he feels bad enough that he's gonna try to change the subject. there's not much more he can say here, anyway, other than a long spiel about how grateful he is for magnus grounding him and other shit that magnus is probably tired of hearing by now. ]
How did you and Peter meet? I've been spending a bit of time with him, since that imPress profile you both made for me. He's a funny guy. Funnier than me, which means I'll have to eat his liver one day to gain his powers, but so be it. Life is nothing without roadbumps to eat the livers of.
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I was raised to be independent, and then I was homeless and taking care of myself by thirteen, and then I was dead on my sixteenth birthday and stressing about the end of the world. It sort of speeds up the maturing process.
[his soul might have started out a little old -- he's always been a 90's grunge band nerd -- but it got a lot older, through all the things that happened to him. he's omitted a big one, but baby steps]
Peter and I met at his dad's BBQ the second week or so I got here. We didn't start hanging out until after we had a bunch of fights on the internet about candy corn and started working on this truck my friend and I crashed, though. His liver probably tastes like pizza.
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Being homeless isn't fun. I'd forgotten what it was like, as an adult, when I'd started to take for granted the castle that housed me. But I know what it's like. And the end of the world thing. It's a lot for you to have gone through and I know you don't need my pity, or my sympathy, but I hope it's okay for me to say that I think you're too good a person to have gone through half the things you've been through.
Can't say I know what it's like to be dead at sixteen, though.
[ baby steps are fine. odin just hopes he's not going to fuck up and scare the guy off from talking to him like this again one day. ]
I had no idea his dad was here. [ bites back a comment about wondering if he'll ever see his own again. ] I imagine there isn't a part of him that doesn't taste like pizza. His liver. His soul. He does deliveries, yeah? I think it's appropriate. He just kinda feels like a pizza, in his, like. Aura. You know? Like how I feel like a raven, or something majestic like that. He just screams "my spirit is that of a pizza's". Probably with pineapple on it, the heathen.
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[so he mumbles something indeterminate, frankly -- showcasing the degree of difference in his saga-hero eloquence when it's About Him versus About Literally Anything Else]
Um. Dying sucked. Being dead's okay, apart from the constantly dying, and Ragnarok, really. It's kind of better than being alive was, which is a depressing thing I don't usually tell people? Um.
I like pineapple pizza but I also do count as a heathen. Like textbook heathen.
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I, uh - I don't think that's depressing. I think there's something warm about that, actually. You had a really hard time when you were alive, but when it came to an end, you managed to find some... I dunno. Peace? Relative peace, at least. Everything I know about your afterlife is like-- I mean, it hasn't ever exactly sounded peaceful, but it's-- do you know what I mean? I think it's nice that you came out of things with, like, a home, or-- gods, nevermind.
[ blalgm. blahalgabalahb. he's tired he'll just talk about pizza ]
I can forgive a lot of things, but I can't forgive that.
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No, you're right. That's how I feel. Valhalla isn't really a home -- it's a hotel, it's temporary, until Ragnarok -- but I got there and I wasn't alone anymore. I have a family there. So as another place that isn't really a home, it's better.
[Magnus isn't very upfront about his timeline, even though it often seems like he is; he paints in two colours, "alive/alone" and "dead/family." but he's been to school, he's had normal experiences; they just come up a lot more infrequently, and rarely does anyone point out the contradictions]
Mortals don't usually understand that, though. It's nice that you do.
[a soft huff of air]
Even if you're completely wrong in your pizza-opinions, I mean.
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[ given the contradictions in the stories he tells about his own past, odin's in no place to comment on magnus's, let alone notice them in the first place. besides, he's a simple guy. despite the nerves and the anxiety and the sadness at confronting the fact that magnus was alone and went through A Lot when he was young, odin knows just how happy he is now, and learning that things are okay for magnus back home as well despite it all is just... worth it. ]
Thanks for opening up to me. [ those words are quick and rushed out, smoothed over a second later just in case he shouldn't have said them. ] Pizza comment discarded into the trash, though. With the pizza itself. We should ask Peter to tiebreak this, one day. Except we shouldn't, because if he sides with you I'm going to burn my bridges to this family and go brother-adopt, like, Alex or something.
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Um, he's still pretty annoyed about the -- [GROSS INVASION INTO OUR PERSONAL LIFE] uh, fuss, about -- yeah. [BONING. which isn't even happening? mostly because Magnus is damaged and inexperienced and so they're taking it incredibly slow? not that he's sharing any of that with literally anyone, because there was opening up about being an idiot teen corpse and there was opening up about, you know, stuff that mattered (yikes)] I'd maybe just get a cool fish, if it comes to that, dude.
[he pauses, though, and checks;]
Are you feeling any better? About Archie.
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[ odin said that something about magnus is none of his business, so that's a cool first that heralds the end of times. He does whisper something to himself that sounds suspiciously like holy shit, a cool fish? i could turn my whole bedroom into an aquarium for a whale, so that's something to worry about, but he presses on to the more serious conversation before he gets a chance to dwell on the thought. good. probably forgotten it already. ]
Uh, honest answer? No. As comforted as I am by you hearing me out and promising to step in where you can, I fucked up big and it's my responsibility to make things okay again. I won't feel better until I can do that. [ he pauses, mulling this next thought over in his head before he refines it enough to put words to it. ] I think I'll feel better when he talks to me honestly about how he's feeling. If I could force people to be honest with me - which I could, technically, with magic, if I lacked all these pesky morals - things would be easier, but. You know. I can't even get most people to be honest with me when we're getting along, let alone after I've let them die.
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They're my business. The varying variables of cuteness. Um, put that thought on hold for a second, though? 'Cuz the other stuff you said is more important.
[and this is why it's taken him so long to get a boyfriend -- damn, shit always just kept coming up, didn't it?]
[and Magnus' voice is stronger, firmer; for once, you could almost believe he's the son of the Lord of Lords, with how certain it is]
You didn't let him die. You weren't fighting real things. Illusions can do whatever, every gods damned giant in Jotunheim pulls that shit. I'm not hanging up until you say that to me. That you didn't let him die. He's alive, and that stuff wasn't real. Even if you had saved him, you could have been deluded into thinking you didn't.
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[ he holds on, as ordered. he's only half-listening to Magnus's stern but kind of necessary advice, primarily because he's dwelling on not cutting off his stupid fucking motormouth before bringing up alex. whatever. thankfully, he thinks every word from magnus chase is a precious treasure and pays enough attention to treat them as such, and he nods along on the other side of the phone call, that red prickly shame that comes with getting advice, however innocuous, creeping up his neck again. ]
Well, joke's on you, because you're my friend and I don't want you to hang up on me because I like talking to my friends. [ he pauses. ] But - look I get it, I do. This one time, back in Nohr, this guy enchanted a bunch of villagers to look like these monsters we called Faceless, and we cut them down without knowing we were killing innocent people. I know how illusions work and I know how to compartmentalize my guilt when they fuck me over.
But - the core of all of this is that Archie trusted me and I didn't save him. Whether it was possible for me to save him or not, the fact is, I didn't do it. Maybe it was always going to be that way because we were stuck in a fucking house with a bullshit puppetmaster playing with us for three days, I don't know, but it's how it happened. And, like. I'm really not worried about myself, or my guilt, or about anything like that. I'm a soldier, I was killing bandits for coin when I was fourteen, I can deal with seeing death, however real or fake it may be. I can move past it. I just want him to be okay. It doesn't matter how fake or temporary his death might have been, it doesn't matter if what we experienced in there "doesn't count" because we all walked out of it okay, it just-- it shouldn't have happened. That's all.
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[but Archie's not from a place like they are. even if he almost brought the end of the world, he didn't; he didn't get eaten, hasn't died, hasn't watched his friends and family get slaughtered. if Odin has a point Magnus must concede, it's that Archie will need looking after -- and if looking after Archie would help Odin put another foot forward, so be it]
I'm not saying he isn't gonna be fucked up. [from the consequences of his own actions, he thinks a little bitterly, but doesn't say. he's still actually alive, he also thinks, with some resentment, which he doesn't like in himself. he'd said it upfront: he can't be unbiased, about Archie] I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe just... if you're going to look after him, I hope it's not because you're trying to undo something that never happened. Or getting caught up in stuff you've moved forward from, giving those illusions the time of day. It's a waste of time to talk about anything except what's real, I think.
[he exhales, messy]
I think that's all I want to say about that, for now. Um. Yeah.
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