[there's a soft snicker (wet and damp is what he hears, about Peter Maximoff's kissing skills), but Magnus quiets, as Odin talks. confesses. apologises. struggles, with how to live outside a war that's defined his entire existence. it makes him think of Thor, clumsy in his comfortable home and with his beautiful wife, but in his element, in the unforgiving snows of Jotunheim, hostility around every ice-tipped corner. survival changed people. causes changed people. it feels unfair, that Odin hadn't gotten the chance to grow up, become his own person, without being a lord in a nation at war or fighting for his life, his family, his cause]
[none of those things are here. Magnus, who has nothing but the people in his afterlife and a crushing weight of responsibility he finds no great nobility in, is of course doing better. war didn't structure his afterlife; it intrudes on it, disrupts it. he's a chosen warrior who hates to war]
You're just becoming a person.
[it sounds -- kind of stupid, probably, but Magnus doesn't think Odin minds, if he sounds stupid. Magnus gently knocks Odin's head back onto his shoulder]
That's what it's like, if you're not stuck in a war or surviving or trying to live up to some nuts ideals. It's just you, fucking up, figuring stuff out. Working out how you need to live, what kind of people should be around you. Or not be around you.
[his fingers fall to Odin's hair, gently tug, like a reminder]
It's hard to find good in yourself, sometimes, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. All the time, not just when you're -- being loved, for what you are or do. Sometimes no one loves you. But you're still you, and you're still good. You have to fight for that. [grey eyes slide to meet Odin's, sharp and peregrine] That's why Alex is so... amazing. Admirable. He knows how to love himself. He fought for himself. So now he's beautiful and strong. You -- and that ass, Poe -- fight for everybody but yourselves.
[he shakes his head, blowing long blond hair out of his face. calm, gentle Magnus says, calmly and gently]
I wanna punch that idiot's jaw off. I might, if I see him around. But it won't change anything, if you don't let yourself matter.
[ It hits him like a hammer to the ribs. You're just becoming a person. He's winded by it, the blow sending everything he's thinking into disarray. He stares, wide eyed, at Magnus, as he struggles to piece two thoughts together. ]
I've never... I haven't ever-- I've never thought of it. Like that. Even though I've been fighting since I was little. That there might be more to me.
[ He lets his head rest against Magnus's shoulder, grateful for the fact that his face his hidden. He feels like crying, honestly, in a way so much different to how he's felt like crying, recently. There's a catharsis, behind the way his eyes burn and behind the way he feels like his throat is closing up. Maybe this is why his dad tried so hard to spend weeks surrounded by nature, with him, or why his mom worked so hard to teach him about the arts. To help him find who he was, before the inevitability of war took ahold of him.
He shakes his head. He can't think about that on top of everything else, but he thinks, maybe, that he will, when all of this is over, and it will help. ]
Poe's not an ass. Or an idiot. Everything that happened between us is my fault.
[ He flicks his eyes to Magnus's, then away. There are a few things he could say, all things he's been able to say at least once before - i'm not good enough for him, he doesn't love me as much as i do him and that's not his fault, there's someone out there worth more to him than i could ever be, he's kind enough to lie like you and think that i matter but a lie's still just a lie-- but it's harder to put all of those thoughts into words, to Magnus, who goes to these great lengths to remind him how special and important he is so often when they speak. So he shuts it down, shrugging his shoulders and leaning a little closer. ]
I wouldn't feel the way I do for him if he wasn't perfect, for me. I wish more of my friends could see what I see in him. I feel like I'm the only one who gets it, sometimes. Or - I did, before I found out someone... I guess-- sees it more? I don't think that's right. I don't think anyone could see him better than I can. But before I found out someone-- before I found out there was someone he sees clearer than he sees me.
But-- yeah. You're right. He, uh. He handles things... very differently to how Alex does.
[ He thinks of the way Alex held him, when he was staying in Fauxhalla, and he considers bringing it up, but he doesn't - maybe Alex has already told Magnus about it, and Odin won't resent him for it if he has, but he'd like to keep it a moment shared just between the two of them. ]
... I don't think anybody is as smart as Alex, though.
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Re: action - new years
[none of those things are here. Magnus, who has nothing but the people in his afterlife and a crushing weight of responsibility he finds no great nobility in, is of course doing better. war didn't structure his afterlife; it intrudes on it, disrupts it. he's a chosen warrior who hates to war]
You're just becoming a person.
[it sounds -- kind of stupid, probably, but Magnus doesn't think Odin minds, if he sounds stupid. Magnus gently knocks Odin's head back onto his shoulder]
That's what it's like, if you're not stuck in a war or surviving or trying to live up to some nuts ideals. It's just you, fucking up, figuring stuff out. Working out how you need to live, what kind of people should be around you. Or not be around you.
[his fingers fall to Odin's hair, gently tug, like a reminder]
It's hard to find good in yourself, sometimes, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. All the time, not just when you're -- being loved, for what you are or do. Sometimes no one loves you. But you're still you, and you're still good. You have to fight for that. [grey eyes slide to meet Odin's, sharp and peregrine] That's why Alex is so... amazing. Admirable. He knows how to love himself. He fought for himself. So now he's beautiful and strong. You -- and that ass, Poe -- fight for everybody but yourselves.
[he shakes his head, blowing long blond hair out of his face. calm, gentle Magnus says, calmly and gently]
I wanna punch that idiot's jaw off. I might, if I see him around. But it won't change anything, if you don't let yourself matter.
Re: action - new years
I've never... I haven't ever-- I've never thought of it. Like that. Even though I've been fighting since I was little. That there might be more to me.
[ He lets his head rest against Magnus's shoulder, grateful for the fact that his face his hidden. He feels like crying, honestly, in a way so much different to how he's felt like crying, recently. There's a catharsis, behind the way his eyes burn and behind the way he feels like his throat is closing up. Maybe this is why his dad tried so hard to spend weeks surrounded by nature, with him, or why his mom worked so hard to teach him about the arts. To help him find who he was, before the inevitability of war took ahold of him.
He shakes his head. He can't think about that on top of everything else, but he thinks, maybe, that he will, when all of this is over, and it will help. ]
Poe's not an ass. Or an idiot. Everything that happened between us is my fault.
[ He flicks his eyes to Magnus's, then away. There are a few things he could say, all things he's been able to say at least once before - i'm not good enough for him, he doesn't love me as much as i do him and that's not his fault, there's someone out there worth more to him than i could ever be, he's kind enough to lie like you and think that i matter but a lie's still just a lie-- but it's harder to put all of those thoughts into words, to Magnus, who goes to these great lengths to remind him how special and important he is so often when they speak. So he shuts it down, shrugging his shoulders and leaning a little closer. ]
I wouldn't feel the way I do for him if he wasn't perfect, for me. I wish more of my friends could see what I see in him. I feel like I'm the only one who gets it, sometimes. Or - I did, before I found out someone... I guess-- sees it more? I don't think that's right. I don't think anyone could see him better than I can. But before I found out someone-- before I found out there was someone he sees clearer than he sees me.
But-- yeah. You're right. He, uh. He handles things... very differently to how Alex does.
[ He thinks of the way Alex held him, when he was staying in Fauxhalla, and he considers bringing it up, but he doesn't - maybe Alex has already told Magnus about it, and Odin won't resent him for it if he has, but he'd like to keep it a moment shared just between the two of them. ]
... I don't think anybody is as smart as Alex, though.