a little after he turned me down, he sent me a message to try to clear things up, with the express interest in becoming close again. right? it was a heavy talk. he said a lot of heavy things. what it boiled down to was - i told him i'm still in love with him, and if he's okay with that, then i'll stay his friend. because i don't want to lose him. but i don't want to be a burden, either. and he said his life would be a lot lesser without me in it. and so yeah, friends. but i apologized for falling in love with him, and for crossing that boundary. he said "i crossed that boundary line too". but i didn't know what that meant, and still don't, because it sounded like-- you know? "sorry i fell in love with you" "i did too". or. idk. he wouldnt tell me what he meant, said he was making things worse and left.
you know the guy that gets the most shit in valhalla? it's not the guy that stays in his room during the fights playing videogames. it's not the guy that overcompensates with a huge battle ax he doesn't know how to use. it's not even the guy that gets his ass kicked and dies like twenty minutes in (me).
it's the guy that says he's gonna throw down, in the mead hall, but complains about not being ready when somebody actually meets him on the field, ready to fight.
words are words. actions are actions. his words can try to cover it, but his actions are selfish.
thoughts acknowledged. and not necessarily disagreed with. but i dont know if poe is mead hall guy or if i'm just too-- needy. and reading into things that aren't there. which is what i've been doing for months. thinking he felt something and then finding out he feels those things for someone else. anyway. i would totally be battleaxe guy.
so my friend said finding a hobby might help me with anxiety. and that i should do artistic stuff, like my writing, but more physical. because i used to do weapon and armor maintenance to keep my hands busy, but there's no medieval army here for me to smith for. it is something i would like to talk to alex about when i'm back. i made a music tape thing the way peter did? to help me get over the rejection. it had sad breakup stuff on it. i showed it to poe, because i was like, i do not think you understand the gravity of my feelings if you can just be like "yeah hey lets stay friends i wont even notice ell oh ell". i wanted him to Get It. he'd either come clean about the boundary thing and something would happen or he'd push me away or smth. hey? Bad Plan
he was sad. he held me very tight in a way that felt big. and said he couldnt bear the idea of anyone hurting me, least of all him. i nearly kissed him and i think he would have been receptive. aaaand then i got rejected again. while he said nothing is worth losing me. so. friends.
but also,
whAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING MY HEAD IN AND I HATE IT I DONT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND DOES IS EQUAL PARTS HE CARES FOR ME MORE THAN HE SHOULD AND EQUAL PARTS HE JUST DOESNT WANT ME NEAR HIM BECAUSE HE HAS THIS OTHER DUDE LIKE?????? WHAT EVEN AM I TO HIM I KEEP JUMPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN "HE'S GIVING ME A REASON TO THINK WE MIGHT END UP TOGETHER" AND "OH HE BASICALLY LITERALLY JUST SAID HE'S NEVER THOUGHT OF ME AS ANYTHING BUT A DICK ATTACHED TO A WORTHLESS SHITTY PERSON WHO IS INFERIOR IN ALL WAYS TO MYSTERY GUY" AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaahaaaaaadfgdsaaaa
him trying to be your friend right now is selfish. it's him avoiding confronting how bad he hurt you by telling himself "it's ok bc i'll be there for him as a friend." it isn't ok. he needs to own up that he led you on and is still leading you on. he can talk about caring for you all he wants, but his actions aren't showing that. if he cared, he'd give you space to process being rejected and stop trying to prove to you he cares, so he doesn't feel so bad about rejecting you. if he cared he'd tell you to get lost.
he's a coward and a trainwreck. you're not overcompensating with a big ax, you have a big heart. and a friend would know that, about you. that's what i think.
archie said i should have tried for space, too. i just, don't want to be away from him. he makes me unbelievably happy. i don't have the words to say how much better and brighter i feel when he even so much as looks at me. i think the fucked up thing right now, is that even if we're in the worst case scenario and he's just leading me on because he likes the attention - which i don't think is what's happening - i think i'm willing to let it happen, just so that i don't have to lose him. which isn't noble, and it doesn't make me a tragic romantic martyr. it's just stupid? and yet i don't know how to not feel that way.
but i think also. regardless of whatever his feelings are based in - cowardice or a genuine desire to be my friend - he is going to drop me like a sack of fucking bricks the second he hooks up with this guy he loves. it is an inevitability that he and i will never see each other again, because there is no way the guy he loves won't be in love with him back. i mean, he's poe. so maybe it would be better if i just backed away now. which is something i'm saying despite knowing full well i wont because until that day comes i'm still gonna be hoping there's a slim possibility he loves me somehow despite it all.
also,
i fucking love you? i seriously fucking love you. i hope you know that. you probably do. i'm not usually very shy about saying it.
of course you don't want to be apart from him. you're in love with him. he's not in love with you. that's why he needs to quit being a coward and tell you to screw off. that's the kind thing, not breaking your heart by degrees.
even if he loves you a little, enough to keep you on the hook, he doesn't love you the way you want, odin. the other guy doesn't really matter.
i'm sorry. i hate saying this stuff. but i do love you.
i love you too. thanks. i'm still coming to fauxhalla when i get back? i'm living there for like the rest of the month. i've already decided. because poe's my next door neighbour and he's always around. so. i'm gonna bring peter too. i love peter. i also love alex. also nacho. magnus i love your whole little family. magnus i love fauxhalla. magnus i'm going to marry your entire fauxhalla family yourself included.
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so.
a little after he turned me down, he sent me a message to try to clear things up, with the express interest in becoming close again. right?
it was a heavy talk. he said a lot of heavy things.
what it boiled down to was - i told him i'm still in love with him, and if he's okay with that, then i'll stay his friend. because i don't want to lose him. but i don't want to be a burden, either. and he said his life would be a lot lesser without me in it. and so yeah, friends.
but i apologized for falling in love with him, and for crossing that boundary. he said "i crossed that boundary line too". but i didn't know what that meant, and still don't, because it sounded like-- you know? "sorry i fell in love with you" "i did too". or.
idk.
he wouldnt tell me what he meant, said he was making things worse and left.
theres more. but.
thoughts???
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it's the guy that says he's gonna throw down, in the mead hall, but complains about not being ready when somebody actually meets him on the field, ready to fight.
words are words. actions are actions. his words can try to cover it, but his actions are selfish.
Re: text
which is what i've been doing for months.
thinking he felt something and then finding out he feels those things for someone else.
anyway.
i would totally be battleaxe guy.
so my friend said finding a hobby might help me with anxiety. and that i should do artistic stuff, like my writing, but more physical. because i used to do weapon and armor maintenance to keep my hands busy, but there's no medieval army here for me to smith for. it is something i would like to talk to alex about when i'm back.
i made a music tape thing the way peter did? to help me get over the rejection. it had sad breakup stuff on it. i showed it to poe, because i was like,
i do not think you understand the gravity of my feelings if you can just be like "yeah hey lets stay friends i wont even notice ell oh ell". i wanted him to Get It. he'd either come clean about the boundary thing and something would happen or he'd push me away or smth.
hey? Bad Plan
he was sad. he held me very tight in a way that felt big. and said he couldnt bear the idea of anyone hurting me, least of all him. i nearly kissed him and i think he would have been receptive.
aaaand then i got rejected again. while he said nothing is worth losing me.
so.
friends.
but also,
whAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING MY HEAD IN AND I HATE IT I DONT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND DOES IS EQUAL PARTS HE CARES FOR ME MORE THAN HE SHOULD AND EQUAL PARTS HE JUST DOESNT WANT ME NEAR HIM BECAUSE HE HAS THIS OTHER DUDE
LIKE??????
WHAT EVEN AM I TO HIM I KEEP JUMPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN "HE'S GIVING ME A REASON TO THINK WE MIGHT END UP TOGETHER" AND "OH HE BASICALLY LITERALLY JUST SAID HE'S NEVER THOUGHT OF ME AS ANYTHING BUT A DICK ATTACHED TO A WORTHLESS SHITTY PERSON WHO IS INFERIOR IN ALL WAYS TO MYSTERY GUY"
AAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaahaaaaaadfgdsaaaa
Re: text
he's a coward and a trainwreck. you're not overcompensating with a big ax, you have a big heart. and a friend would know that, about you. that's what i think.
Re: text
i just, don't want to be away from him. he makes me unbelievably happy. i don't have the words to say how much better and brighter i feel when he even so much as looks at me.
i think the fucked up thing right now,
is that even if we're in the worst case scenario and he's just leading me on because he likes the attention - which i don't think is what's happening -
i think i'm willing to let it happen, just so that i don't have to lose him. which isn't noble, and it doesn't make me a tragic romantic martyr. it's just stupid? and yet i don't know how to not feel that way.
but i think also.
regardless of whatever his feelings are based in - cowardice or a genuine desire to be my friend -
he is going to drop me like a sack of fucking bricks the second he hooks up with this guy he loves.
it is an inevitability that he and i will never see each other again, because there is no way the guy he loves won't be in love with him back. i mean, he's poe.
so maybe it would be better if i just backed away now.
which is something i'm saying despite knowing full well i wont because until that day comes i'm still gonna be hoping there's a slim possibility he loves me somehow despite it all.
also,
i fucking love you?
i seriously fucking love you.
i hope you know that.
you probably do.
i'm not usually very shy about saying it.
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even if he loves you a little, enough to keep you on the hook, he doesn't love you the way you want, odin. the other guy doesn't really matter.
i'm sorry. i hate saying this stuff. but i do love you.
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i love you too. thanks.
i'm still coming to fauxhalla when i get back? i'm living there for like the rest of the month. i've already decided.
because poe's my next door neighbour and he's always around. so.
i'm gonna bring peter too.
i love peter.
i also love alex.
also nacho.
magnus i love your whole little family.
magnus i love fauxhalla.
magnus i'm going to marry your entire fauxhalla family yourself included.
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you can stay as long as you want.
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i'll stay until you're sick of me.
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and it definitely doesn't mean i don't want you around.
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[ painful? painful??? painful??????????????????????? ]
okay. thanks
i'm glad that you like me around you because i also like when i'm around you
bed time
see you soon
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