[ alex fierro is never an idiot, and yet he's a hundred percent sure he's being a complete moron right now. magnus smiles at him like he's never seen anything better, he gets soft and flustered every time alex kisses him, and he's seemed so happy lately. he loves alex, he knows that. and even if he didn't, he knows magnus well enough to know that he'd talk to him, tell him if he was unhappy.
but there's that jagged, nagging, ugly place inside alex that just won't. shut. up. and they talk, they always talk about things that bother them. alex loves magnus, too, and he trusts him, and he shouldn't hide when he's worried or scared, no matter how instinctive it is to bury it so that no one else ever sees him when he's vulnerable.
he shifts, picking at the ragged hem of his shorts, not quite able to look at magnus when he knows he's about to ask something that he has no damn business being so nervous about. ]
I-- [ the paint is chipping on his nails. he resists the urge to peel the rest of it off. ] You're still figuring things out for yourself, right? I mean.. that's why you don't really want people knowing about us yet. It's not because you're.. embarrassed to be with me. Right? [ something like shame snakes its way into his chest even as the last word leaves his mouth, coiling tight and painful. he hates that he's so damaged he has to ask this, when magnus is the best thing that's ever happened to him. ]
[the question turns all thoughts of dinner from Magnus' mind, and even his stomach, which instantly sinks. he looks up at Alex, setting the bowl down. there's an awkward beat, before he just -- does what his instinct says, instead of all the things his second-thoughts say (because he has that voice inside him too -- less aggressive, more insidious, constantly whispering you'll fail and you're weak and you're never enough and people can't depend on a useless person like you). he steps over to Alex, kneels down in front of him with grey eyes earnest]
[quietly]
Neither of those things are true. [he pauses, and reaches for the hand tearing at frayed denim like a blue wound. he loves Alex's hands, nimble and narrow, artists's hands, in contrast to his own square, clumsy, useless ones. he loves everything about Alex's shape, no matter what shape that is] If you want to tell people, I'll tell everyone. I've just been... I feel safe, figuring things out with you. I don't feel safe, with anyone else. I don't want to talk about it, or get anyone else's opinions, or, or whatever. Yours is the only one that matters to me. I don't want to let you down, or embarrass you.
[a pause, and he continues]
-- And. And a part of me is afraid. That if people know, they'll talk about it, and you'll realise... [he trails off, head bowing, hair falling in his face] ...I don't know. That you could do a lot better. I'm a coward, compared to a brave person like you. [he finishes, shoulders sloping, hand squeezing] ...I just want to be with you. I'd never be embarrassed of that. It's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.
[ everything goes still around them as magnus steps closer and kneels, and that gnawing, tearing ugliness in his chest gets worse for a moment at the look on his boyfriend's face. he doesn't resist the hand taking his own, though, twining his fingers with magnus's and squeezing in silent apology. he hates that he brought this up, but maybe-- maybe they both need to talk about it.
he takes a breath, then another, and shifts on the chair, unfolding his legs and scooting closer, nearly into magnus's lap. ] You-- dummy, I don't know how you don't realize how incredible you are. And you're not a coward. [ isn't that kind of part of magnus's charm, though? he's oblivious to how lovely he is, how he brings so much sunlight into people's lives just being himself.
his free hand reaches up, pushing the hair out of magnus's face and behind his ear, and he leans in to bump his brow against the other teen's. ] I don't need people to know, I just-- I'm sorry. I know you better than this, I really do. It's just that.. [ he trails off, sitting up again, glancing down at his hand still curled with his boyfriend's. ] I don't.. have the best luck, and I'm not easy to love, and being.. who I am.. [ trans, genderfluid, loki's child, many things. ]
[Alex presses their foreheads together, and Magnus' chest fills with a deep protectiveness. it's a feeling he only gets, around his found family, but it sharpens to something like a vice gripping his heart, when it's about Alex. he can't stand the thought of the people who made him feel this way -- who made him feel like he's not easy to be loved because of who he is. his arm curls around Alex's waist, holding him in place, near him]
You're easy to love, for me. [he bares himself, easily, with a wry smile] -- It just took you looking at me, once. That first night in the feast hall, when you came to Valhalla.
[he's never told him that; was... worried, that Alex would think his feelings were trivial given how instant they were, looking back on it. but he feels sure Alex knows his feelings are anything but trivial, now; and Magnus cups his boyfriend's cheek and guides his face down, to brush a kiss against Alex's lips, soft and careful]
[during that kiss, he makes a decision, and his tone is surprisingly resolute]
Let's be open about us, Alex. I can figure it out as we go, and I have you to lean on, if it gets weird and invasive.
[they're both private -- but Alex is someone who wears bright colours, who throws himself into situations like a javelin, who has to be proud of himself or risk crumbling altogether, from the cracks other people have left in him. Magnus doesn't want to be the reason for another crack opening down Alex's confidence]
-- If you're not embarrassed to be publicly dating a clueless guy like me.
No, I do. I mean, I want to be more open with you. You're my boyfriend, I want you to know more about me. It's just-- hard.
[ he's kept himself so private for so long, armored up against his father, against his mother, against the whole goddamn world. he doesn't know how to peel all that armor off-- he's not even sure how much of it he's capable of removing at this point.
-- and it doesn't really seem possible for magnus to have cared about him like that so quickly. he hadn't made the best first impression on him. but maybe that's a trait of frey's children, that they love like their father loves. that's-- terrifying, overwhelming, to think that he could have this much hold over magnus. that he could hurt him so badly so easily. gods, it makes this all the more precious, too, knowing what his boyfriend is trusting him with.
he uncurls his hand from the blond's, sliding both arms up over his shoulders instead, returning the kiss just a little shakily. when magnus pulls back and speaks up again, though, mismatched eyes widen faintly. ]
Are you sure? You don't-- [ a breath of laughter, startled. ] You're kidding, right? You're ridiculous and you wear stupid t-shirts and have questionable taste in sci-fi, but.. [ he presses another kiss to magnus's mouth, then his nose, then his brow. ] There's no way I'd ever be embarrassed about dating you.
[it is hard, to express themselves; and maybe that's why, apart from his own considerable baggage, Alex has found space to even doubt Magnus would ever feel anything less for him than a quiet but overtaking love. there's a powerlessness to Magnus a lot of the time (not everybody could be a howling berserker, alright), but it's never so pronounced as when he's with Alex. he's utterly captivated by him, every touch affecting him not just because it's touch, a sense for him that's been vaguely scrambled by trauma, but because it's Alex's touch. he could shatter with a word; he could melt in his arms; he could be utterly blown away by a look. and -- it's been that way the whole time, since that first night in the hall, if he's being honest with himself]
[Magnus hadn't meant to put so much power over him into Alex's hands, but now -- he's doing so intentionally, grey eyes deep and trusting, intent on the boy he fell for almost instantly. he never feels safer than when Alex is around him, and he wants to make Alex feel safe, and celebrated, and loved -- it makes him want to try harder, like Alex is, to express himself and that burning warmth that surges through his whole body, every time Alex walks into a room. Alex kisses his lips and his nose and his brow, and each brief touch makes his heart hammer against his chest, more weighty than Mjolnir]
I love everything about you. [spoken much like a confession, in a tone something like quiet awe. he's never going to get over how incredible it is that Alex could feel even the faintest affectionate way about him, even if he has 100 more years to try and understand it] I love you. -- I'm definitely, totally sure.
[he hasn't said it yet, in quite those words. it'd been too hard, too terrifying, to try and express that same love, so close to helplessness, Alex is now coming to understand in him. but he's saying it now, trying to be brave, like Alex always is, and like Alex deserves]
[ it's nothing he hasn't said to magnus before, that he loves him, that he loves all the things about him, but-- when was the last time he's heard the words directed at himself? not since before his grandfather had died, and that had been.. a long time ago.
it makes his breath hitch in his chest, tight and frightened and painful, because a part of him is so afraid that he's fooling magnus. that he's not really worth his love, that he's just like his mother-- but that part of him quiets beneath his boyfriend's hands, drowned out by his certainty, their eyes meeting.
he curls his fingers in blond hair, surging forward to kiss him again, hard and searing and certain. he kisses him until the breath is burning in his lungs, and pulls away with a skittering, trembling breath. ]
I love you, too. I didn't think I was capable of-- of feeling like this for anyone.
[searing as it is, the kiss ignites him; makes that vulnerability they've created between them toughen up, into something solid and physically grabbable. which Magnus does, the arms around Alex's hips tightening, drawing him to the very edge of his seat as they kiss. Magnus thinks he might have just passed out instead of break apart, because the moment they do, he wants to swallow Alex's shivering breaths. he drags his eyes up from his boyfriend's lips to those beautiful, striking eyes, and feels -- luckier than anyone's ever felt in all the nine realms, he's sure of it]
[he wants to pull Alex that last inch, right into his lap, and hold him close and kiss him in gratitude and pure, unfettered happiness. his forearms tremble once behind Alex, but he can't quite make the move. not yet, but soon; soon he'll find the courage to press the two of them as close as he wants their hearts to be]
[a warm, loving smile finds its way to his face, unbidden]
Are you gonna push me if I say something cheesy like, I'm honoured.
[he's trying to pitch it like a joke, a soft place for Alex to land with all his broken feelings, but it comes out far too truthful, without the proper intonation, and not a joke at all. there's no hiding how he feels, in this respect -- he is honoured; he's not deserving, but then, he can't focus on that, doesn't care about that. not while he can wrap his arms around Alex Fierro, scourge of the 19th floor, beheader of men, and his boyfriend, who he desperately loves. Magnus tilts his head up, raining kisses on any skin he can reach, shy and insistent all at once]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
but there's that jagged, nagging, ugly place inside alex that just won't. shut. up. and they talk, they always talk about things that bother them. alex loves magnus, too, and he trusts him, and he shouldn't hide when he's worried or scared, no matter how instinctive it is to bury it so that no one else ever sees him when he's vulnerable.
he shifts, picking at the ragged hem of his shorts, not quite able to look at magnus when he knows he's about to ask something that he has no damn business being so nervous about. ]
I-- [ the paint is chipping on his nails. he resists the urge to peel the rest of it off. ] You're still figuring things out for yourself, right? I mean.. that's why you don't really want people knowing about us yet. It's not because you're.. embarrassed to be with me. Right? [ something like shame snakes its way into his chest even as the last word leaves his mouth, coiling tight and painful. he hates that he's so damaged he has to ask this, when magnus is the best thing that's ever happened to him. ]
no subject
[quietly]
Neither of those things are true. [he pauses, and reaches for the hand tearing at frayed denim like a blue wound. he loves Alex's hands, nimble and narrow, artists's hands, in contrast to his own square, clumsy, useless ones. he loves everything about Alex's shape, no matter what shape that is] If you want to tell people, I'll tell everyone. I've just been... I feel safe, figuring things out with you. I don't feel safe, with anyone else. I don't want to talk about it, or get anyone else's opinions, or, or whatever. Yours is the only one that matters to me. I don't want to let you down, or embarrass you.
[a pause, and he continues]
-- And. And a part of me is afraid. That if people know, they'll talk about it, and you'll realise... [he trails off, head bowing, hair falling in his face] ...I don't know. That you could do a lot better. I'm a coward, compared to a brave person like you. [he finishes, shoulders sloping, hand squeezing] ...I just want to be with you. I'd never be embarrassed of that. It's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.
no subject
he takes a breath, then another, and shifts on the chair, unfolding his legs and scooting closer, nearly into magnus's lap. ] You-- dummy, I don't know how you don't realize how incredible you are. And you're not a coward. [ isn't that kind of part of magnus's charm, though? he's oblivious to how lovely he is, how he brings so much sunlight into people's lives just being himself.
his free hand reaches up, pushing the hair out of magnus's face and behind his ear, and he leans in to bump his brow against the other teen's. ] I don't need people to know, I just-- I'm sorry. I know you better than this, I really do. It's just that.. [ he trails off, sitting up again, glancing down at his hand still curled with his boyfriend's. ] I don't.. have the best luck, and I'm not easy to love, and being.. who I am.. [ trans, genderfluid, loki's child, many things. ]
no subject
[Alex presses their foreheads together, and Magnus' chest fills with a deep protectiveness. it's a feeling he only gets, around his found family, but it sharpens to something like a vice gripping his heart, when it's about Alex. he can't stand the thought of the people who made him feel this way -- who made him feel like he's not easy to be loved because of who he is. his arm curls around Alex's waist, holding him in place, near him]
You're easy to love, for me. [he bares himself, easily, with a wry smile] -- It just took you looking at me, once. That first night in the feast hall, when you came to Valhalla.
[he's never told him that; was... worried, that Alex would think his feelings were trivial given how instant they were, looking back on it. but he feels sure Alex knows his feelings are anything but trivial, now; and Magnus cups his boyfriend's cheek and guides his face down, to brush a kiss against Alex's lips, soft and careful]
[during that kiss, he makes a decision, and his tone is surprisingly resolute]
Let's be open about us, Alex. I can figure it out as we go, and I have you to lean on, if it gets weird and invasive.
[they're both private -- but Alex is someone who wears bright colours, who throws himself into situations like a javelin, who has to be proud of himself or risk crumbling altogether, from the cracks other people have left in him. Magnus doesn't want to be the reason for another crack opening down Alex's confidence]
-- If you're not embarrassed to be publicly dating a clueless guy like me.
no subject
[ he's kept himself so private for so long, armored up against his father, against his mother, against the whole goddamn world. he doesn't know how to peel all that armor off-- he's not even sure how much of it he's capable of removing at this point.
-- and it doesn't really seem possible for magnus to have cared about him like that so quickly. he hadn't made the best first impression on him. but maybe that's a trait of frey's children, that they love like their father loves. that's-- terrifying, overwhelming, to think that he could have this much hold over magnus. that he could hurt him so badly so easily. gods, it makes this all the more precious, too, knowing what his boyfriend is trusting him with.
he uncurls his hand from the blond's, sliding both arms up over his shoulders instead, returning the kiss just a little shakily. when magnus pulls back and speaks up again, though, mismatched eyes widen faintly. ]
Are you sure? You don't-- [ a breath of laughter, startled. ] You're kidding, right? You're ridiculous and you wear stupid t-shirts and have questionable taste in sci-fi, but.. [ he presses another kiss to magnus's mouth, then his nose, then his brow. ] There's no way I'd ever be embarrassed about dating you.
no subject
[Magnus hadn't meant to put so much power over him into Alex's hands, but now -- he's doing so intentionally, grey eyes deep and trusting, intent on the boy he fell for almost instantly. he never feels safer than when Alex is around him, and he wants to make Alex feel safe, and celebrated, and loved -- it makes him want to try harder, like Alex is, to express himself and that burning warmth that surges through his whole body, every time Alex walks into a room. Alex kisses his lips and his nose and his brow, and each brief touch makes his heart hammer against his chest, more weighty than Mjolnir]
I love everything about you. [spoken much like a confession, in a tone something like quiet awe. he's never going to get over how incredible it is that Alex could feel even the faintest affectionate way about him, even if he has 100 more years to try and understand it] I love you. -- I'm definitely, totally sure.
[he hasn't said it yet, in quite those words. it'd been too hard, too terrifying, to try and express that same love, so close to helplessness, Alex is now coming to understand in him. but he's saying it now, trying to be brave, like Alex always is, and like Alex deserves]
O-okay?
no subject
it makes his breath hitch in his chest, tight and frightened and painful, because a part of him is so afraid that he's fooling magnus. that he's not really worth his love, that he's just like his mother-- but that part of him quiets beneath his boyfriend's hands, drowned out by his certainty, their eyes meeting.
he curls his fingers in blond hair, surging forward to kiss him again, hard and searing and certain. he kisses him until the breath is burning in his lungs, and pulls away with a skittering, trembling breath. ]
I love you, too. I didn't think I was capable of-- of feeling like this for anyone.
no subject
[he wants to pull Alex that last inch, right into his lap, and hold him close and kiss him in gratitude and pure, unfettered happiness. his forearms tremble once behind Alex, but he can't quite make the move. not yet, but soon; soon he'll find the courage to press the two of them as close as he wants their hearts to be]
[a warm, loving smile finds its way to his face, unbidden]
Are you gonna push me if I say something cheesy like, I'm honoured.
[he's trying to pitch it like a joke, a soft place for Alex to land with all his broken feelings, but it comes out far too truthful, without the proper intonation, and not a joke at all. there's no hiding how he feels, in this respect -- he is honoured; he's not deserving, but then, he can't focus on that, doesn't care about that. not while he can wrap his arms around Alex Fierro, scourge of the 19th floor, beheader of men, and his boyfriend, who he desperately loves. Magnus tilts his head up, raining kisses on any skin he can reach, shy and insistent all at once]