It's... It's worse - than before. [A little bit gasping, sight unseen is Peter massaging the center of his chest after a pang of pain. Unlike before when it felt slow and sluggish, this is like anxiety turned up to max volume. His heart pounds and his head hurts and, oh - good - his hand starts to throb after he curls his fingers into a fist.
Shuffling, he tries again. Let's breathe. Just do what Magnus says and breathe.] Talk... talk to me about something. Anything.
[he racks his brain for something to say. like always in a time when it's important, he gets tongue-tied for a moment, forgets everything he's ever done or heard or read or said in his life -- before finally seizing on something. it's just a scatter of details from his life, for some reason at the top of his memories]
When I was little, before I died, or, um, was homeless, one time I just like, left school in the middle of the day, at like six years old. And I decided I was going to teach myself to ice skate. So I got on a city bus and went across town to this place in Boston, um, called Frog Pond. And I rented skates. Who the hel rents skates out to a six year old alone? So I put them on, and just, went. It took 10 minutes for me to fall on my face and knock out a tooth, spurt blood everywhere, it was a total murder scene.
I didn't want to get in trouble, so I buried the tooth in the snow, so my mom wouldn't know. Like the bloody clothes and gap smile wouldn't give me away.
[Peter tries to focus on listening to Magnus' voice, half to the story and half just to the tone of his voice for something to grasp on to. The high and the low notes, the feel of the moment. Cool winter air, something chilly to combat the flush of heat in his skin from his heart beating too fast. Skates on ice, the feel of... blood. He's bleeding, he remembers, looking at his hand and loosening his fist after blood drops speckle the floor.
His voice is hollowed out and distant, but Peter replies:] What did she say when she saw?
[His breath catches and it could almost have been a laugh, though he follows it with deep breaths. He reaches down to run his fingers through the droplets of blood, smearing them like paint across the floor. His hand alternates between throbbing with pain and feeling nothing; he wraps the rag around it again and sighs.]
Yeah. That'd be cool. Would... would Alex come? Odin too, maybe?
[This conversation feels so distant. Like someone else is talking for him and he just gets to sit back and listen to his own autopilot.]
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It's not stupid and you won't die. I promise it helps. I get these. I used to get them all the time.
[he's always had trouble breathing; panic attacks, asthma. in both cases, related to death, somehow]
It'll calm you down. Keep trying. Take a breath, Peter.
[almost there. not long now, but too long]
no subject
Shuffling, he tries again. Let's breathe. Just do what Magnus says and breathe.] Talk... talk to me about something. Anything.
[Deep breath, ragged exhale:] Please.
no subject
[he racks his brain for something to say. like always in a time when it's important, he gets tongue-tied for a moment, forgets everything he's ever done or heard or read or said in his life -- before finally seizing on something. it's just a scatter of details from his life, for some reason at the top of his memories]
When I was little, before I died, or, um, was homeless, one time I just like, left school in the middle of the day, at like six years old. And I decided I was going to teach myself to ice skate. So I got on a city bus and went across town to this place in Boston, um, called Frog Pond. And I rented skates. Who the hel rents skates out to a six year old alone? So I put them on, and just, went. It took 10 minutes for me to fall on my face and knock out a tooth, spurt blood everywhere, it was a total murder scene.
I didn't want to get in trouble, so I buried the tooth in the snow, so my mom wouldn't know. Like the bloody clothes and gap smile wouldn't give me away.
no subject
His voice is hollowed out and distant, but Peter replies:] What did she say when she saw?
no subject
[he runs his hand through his hair]
And then she took me ice skating the next day again. It was fun. We should go sometime, while it's cold...
no subject
Yeah. That'd be cool. Would... would Alex come? Odin too, maybe?
[This conversation feels so distant. Like someone else is talking for him and he just gets to sit back and listen to his own autopilot.]